Crimbopalooza 2017 stories and results

Here are the stories from this year's Crimbopalooza. Stories are listed on its running order, with the scores next to the entrant name. Semi-final non-qualifiers will be listed by their ranking afterward.

Final:

A. ThatsHowIBeatShaq - 239 points - 5th

Clancy lifted the lid off the wok; a cloud of sweet steam enveloped his face with a warm, satisfying aroma--equal parts hot and spooky, with a hint of citrus. Reduce to low heat and allow sauce to reduce. Clancy licked his chops and opened the refrigerator, releasing a wall of cool air and the sounds of a muffled struggle. “The sauce is simmering. Time to get you in the marinade.” Gordon’s eyes widened in a panic; his pleas of desperation blocked by the gag in his mouth. “You messed with the wrong lamb, Mr. Ramsay. Now hand me that onion.”

B. MaybeBoB - 193 points - 9th

On the night before Crimbo,

And all through Hell's Kitchen

The chefs could not cook

As the lamb sauce was missin'.

They looked through the pantry,

The cupboards, the drawers.

But so it appeared
This sauce was no more.

While the chefs searched,

Ramsay was asleep.

They knew if he woke,

He'd surely say <BLEEP>.

Then it had happened,

What the chefs had all dreaded.

Ramsay had woken;

To them he was headed.

He told them to "Piss off!"

Like they had always hated.

When he finished with them,

Their search accelerated.

Then they had found it... LAMB SAUCE LOCATED.

C. SadOatCakes - 134 points - 13th

Kingdom denizens felt cheerful as Crimbo approached; Uncle Crimbo's enlightenment as the Crimbodhitsattva last year seemed to augur a certain peacefulness for the celebration to come. Life in the Kingdom had been quiet since Crimbo XVI. Sedate, even. When the first advent calendar pressies arrived - undercooked scallops and runny risotto - nobody was alarmed. But then hellfires broke out; unwary adventurers were captured and branded; and an ominous message appeared in the sky: IT'S ALL ABOUT FIRE. Adventurers donned red and blue aprons and grimly readied their best spells and weapons. There would be no peaceful Crimbo: Gordon Ramsay was coming

D. StickStomper - 94 points - 18th

Gordon Ramsey was a complete mess. He promised the townsfolk the best Crimbo Feast of the century, yet with little time remaining, he was missing his final 'pièce de résistance' - the Lamb Sauce! Gordon stopped pacing the room and turned on the television. "There has to be a way to get the final ingredients" he muttered. Without Lamb and children tears, the dish would be a disaster. Suddenly, the PBS children's TV show "Lamb Chop" popped on the television. Gordon's eyes glowered with excitement, his toothy grin twisted on his face, and he bellowed out a sinister crackling laugh..."located!"

E. TheSilhouette - 302 points - 1st

Once upon a time, there was an ugly barnacle! Oh no, but this isn't how this story goes; You see, the chef had always been a short-tempered perfectionist and such dilemmas are no match for his level of expertise... or so he thought. It was a warm Crimbo evening, Ramsay was preparing a fine meal and in order to up his game, he got some barnacles, cooked them up and upon serving, noticed LAMB SAUCE was missing!! So he served them without it! and everybody died, Why?, you ask, The sauce? Pfft, No!, It's because Barnacles are poisonous! THE END!

F. Hunter Horrid - 138 points - 12th

The trap was set, Hunter Horrid hid by the stove tops. Gordon peered through the steam and smoke coming from the kitchen hops, he looked like a man possessed! ''Where is my Lamb Sauce?'' he barked, his voice booming across the room. Hunter sat silently waiting to catch his next familiar, the lamb sauce a perfect lure. Gordons eyes lit up, an evil glare as he saw the sauce. This was going to work, Hunter was about to catch himself a Mad Chef, There was no way Gordon would escape. SNAP!!! ''Familiar caught, Mad Chef... you will call him Gordon.''

G. Noted - 260 points - 2nd

T'was the night before Crimbo and all through the kitchen

the creatures were stirring. There's sauce to enrichen!

Chef Gordon's preparing this fabulous feast

with sous-chefs; a Bird, a Mouse and a Beast.

'Where is the lamb sauce, you miserable runts?'

'Burning your pan? Mouse, you're fired at once!"

"You're done like dinner. Beast! What is this? Straw?'

'Your goose is cooked, Bird. This monstrosity's raw!!'

Preparations are finished, relieved of the clatter.

The lamb sauce is located, that settles the matter.

The Bird, Mouse and Beast Combo-s a sure-fire winner

beside Mary's little lamb, all served up for dinner.

H. Jensational - 161 points - 10th

It was the chicken breast of times. It was the bratwurst of times. Poor Gordon had reached the very top and now there was nowhere left but down. In hindsight there was also left but not right. Never right. Gordon would never entertain such a thought. Poor Gordon. He looked at the jar in his hand. The jar that would be his undoing. He unscrewed the lid, poured the contents over the chicken and served. His guests ate every last morsel. It was another success. For now at least, the jar of Ainsley Harriet's smokey BBQ sauce would remain undiscovered.

I. Firetitan8 - 214 points - 6th

'A British Chef and his Thrilling Quest for Sheep Dressing: Three Rhyming Limericks

there once was a search for a sauce,

that left the head chef very cross,

Acting like a rude warden,

The man's name was Gordon,

Who had lamb that needed a gloss.

It's placement no one did quite know,

Till Gordon's eyes began to glow,

now long awaited,

the lamb sauce located,

his anger had seemed to plateau.

Then suddenly he turned about,

His pupils he then turned to shout,

"Did this meat even thaw?

This lamb's fucking raw! From my kitchen all of you get out!" '

J. cHUNKygnocchi - 252 points - 3rd

Outfit set and blessings received, he left the Uncle's castle and rode his specially-assigned sleigh, ready for his quest. Both weather and chances were unpleasant, but Crimbo was incomplete without his dish, and such incomplete without his lamb sauce. Determination at peak, he slid down the mountain, tasting every unfrozen stream, disappointed at the incorrect blends of it all. Yet, he pursued, shouting graceful expressions to the heavens, to which the RNGsus heard, leading him to his purpose, his cheers heard within a mile's radius. With the lamb sauce located he returned, beaming, and it was truly a wonderful Crimbo.

K. ham6691 - 109 points - 16th

I run out of the burning time machine, and the Prophet's enigmatic prophesy springs to mind. Only three words were discernible in his crazed trance. 'Lamb. Sauce. Crimbo.' The buildings here are decorated with tinsel and mistletoe, as if in celebration. But I can sense something is wrong. Very wrong. It's not until i'm approached by a local that I notice. Their heads... They've all been replaced by gravy boats. And the smell... Lamb sauce! The local exclaims, 'We have come afar! Come to the Tower of Zadhivand!' I feel a sharp impact, and then everything goes dark

L. Deafgeek - 92 points - 19th

A Very Special Crimbo Dinner was at hand, and everyone was cooking for Uncle Crimbo's "Guest". The pastamasters summoned noodles, the seal clubbers procured the meat (don't ask from where), the turtle tamers had protested the original soup, and the disco bandits and accordion thieves argued over the entertainment. All that was left was the saucerors. Combining their power, they brought forth a powerful sauce, sure to please their guest. But as they brought it to him, Gordon Ramsey simply looked at it and shook his head. "This is not lamb sauce!" And that's how everyone ruined Crimbo that year.

M. Schlurp - 106 points - 17th

Adventurer Gor-Don Ramzi awoke in his Newbiesport tent in the Campground. He walked outside and stretched his stiff limbs in the morning light. His calendar revealed that today was Crimbo. “Crimbo.” he mumbled groggily to himself. “Could go for some nice fotelif and lamb sauce.” He smacked his lips.

“Ham sauce?” came a voice from inside the next tent over.

“Lamb sauce,” he repeated gruffly.

“Lamb saws?” came a voice from another nearby tent.

“Sauce!”

“Hoth?” from yet another tent.

“Piss off!” the Adventurer shouted, and stomped off. Disemboweling some orcs would be a better way to celebrate the holiday.

N. Nesman - 198 points - 8th

I was on duty at the Gourd Tower. I shouldn't have been out there without backup. Especially not with the uprising from Mt. McLargeHuge going on lately! I should have recognized how suspiciously bearded the adventurers were that were piling firecrackers below the tower. I shouted down that they were supposed to bring them up to me so I could store them safely with the other dangerous contraband. Suddenly, KAPOW! The entire pile went up, and The Gourd and I were flying. We landed with a splash in goat territory. That's why I'm floating on a Gourd on Ram Sea.

O. Disco Stews Party Van - 132 points - 14th

"I need the lamb sauce" Gordon thought, as he went toward It. It had taken all the lamb sauce, and became It.

He came upon what he was looking for- It. A monstrosity of lamb sauce, with a hunger sated by only more lamb sauce. With a battle cry, Gordon ran forward, muscles displayed gloriously in the light, and began his attack.

Gordon and the beast fought hand-to-hand for what felt like hours, with blood hitting lamb sauce and lamb sauce hitting muscle, over and over.

As fast as it started, the brawl was over, Gordon had his lamb sauce.

P. DudeCats - 141 points - 11th

"'Is lamb sauce a sandwich?' Thousands of protestors today are demanding that grocery stores acknowledge that it is indeed a sandwich and should be removed from the condiments aisle in stores. In their efforts, /Games/ brand Lamb Sauce is now skyrocketing in price, and is soon to disappear from shelves entirely. Looks like Crimbo dinner will have to wait until next year. Jamie Oliver, what have you got?"

"Several people are starting to form a cult to counter-protest the missing lamb sauce, led by Gordon Ramsay. As you can hear, they are chanting som- AHH!"

"WHERE. IS. THE LAMB SAUCE."

Q. girlTrex - 211 points - 7th

'Twas the night before Crimbo, all through the house

One man stirred, he rustled about.

Made some fixings, each plated fair,

Hoping his dinner guests would actually care.

Gamers up late, talking in chat.

Speaking of Ramsay, he'd make them fat.

Noobs in outfits, I in a shirt,

Couldn't wait til our stomachs hurt.

When from the kitchen arose such a clatter,

Stopped to ask what was the matter.

The lamb sauce, missing, he shouted so mad.

Check in the fridge, no longer sad.

I heard him exclaim, right as rollover passed

"Happy Crimbo to all, lamb sauce at last!"

R. Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker - 129 ooints - 15th

I pray to the Gordon. Dad, a FoodNetwork dweeb, hears me and calls me a doughnut. I go to sleep hungry. I feel something salty touch me. It's Gordon. I'm so terrified. He whispers in my ear "where's the cabbage?". He grabs me with his chef hands and puts me before a counter. I open my saucepan for Gordon. He shouts in my ear. It burns but I do it for Him. I can feel my eyes watering. He roars cockneyly and fills my pan with lamb sauce. He calls me an idiot sandwich. Ramsay is salt, Ramsay is sauce.

S. Shay HammoWolf - 75 points - 20th

It twas the Night of my first Crimbo, and all through the house,

we were all moving, even the mouse!

We’d checked in the fridge, we examined the stove.

Ramsey was so livid, we accidentally froze.

“WHERE IS THE LAMB SAUCE?” The head chef roared.

“We didn’t make it cause we were forced,” My mother paused.

Everyone ran, screaming in terror

I crashed into a fan, a fatal error.

For on this great Crimbo, holiday delight

A blood splattered window, a terrible sight.

Dismembered head falls, eyes dull of light,

Merry Crimbo to all, and to all a good night.

T. deadleeplatapus - 242 points - 4th

There is a sauce in New Orleans

It's made with pureed lamb

And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy

And God, it's better than ham.

Gordon, he was an upset teacher

He cursed and threw green beans,

The others cried and whimpered quietly

Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a chef really needs

Is creativity and some spunk

Cooking great food with imagination

will get Ramsey out of his funk

Oh mother tell, your children

Not to piss of the boss

Spend all your lives in sin and misery

Forgetting to include the Lamb Sauce.

Non-qualifiers:

Semi-final 1:

Monechetti - 54 points, 5 poll votes - 9th, lost jury pick

Gordon stood opposite the scantily clad sorceress, fear crossing her face. He gripped tightly the Cosmic Ladle, which whispered in the voices of a billion dead galaxies. Lamb sauce. The Voice was barely noticeable. Gordon swatted at the air, trying to dismiss the intrusive speaking. In front of him, the sorceress and the end of his quest. Behind him, the corpses of a thousand-thousand denizens of Loathing. The Sorceress lashed out with the arcane, which Gordon countered easily. He stepped through the Gash, over her body. Lamb sauce. He awoke with no memory. Lamb sauce. “Lamb sauce”, he repeated forever.

Sturnteer - 49 points, 5 poll votes - 11th

Gordon Ramsey is a name that will go down in history but not for the reasons you might expect. Of course, before the trouble began, Gordon was a world famous chef with a dirty mouth and a clean knife but now, well now he's the hero of loathing. Ridiculous as that sounded at the time, he's a modern day folk hero. Dances are held in his honour. Orgies are initiated at the mere mention of his name. Now I know you're wondering just what it is our hero did - well, I'd like to say but I've run out of words.

Coghazard, 42 points, 6 poll votes -13th

Once, as an aging celebrity chef, G had paid handsomely for the privilege of having his consciousness uploaded as a template for the new breed of human-machine hybrids. Despite his sizable, well-managed estate, a blue-collar model was all he could afford -- money was cheap, immortality dear. After a point, G's memories halted, only to branch out into mass-produced oblivion. Better than death, perhaps, but he didn't expect the food to be such fucking rubbish. No matter -- he had all the time in the galaxy, now, for a holiday feast. Under drifting snow, G set his ultraviolet seeker eyes to "lamb".

Devilleboi - 41 points, 6 poll votes - 14th

"Where is it?!" the sous chef screamed, swinging her rolling pin at the young boy's head with a sickening wet smack and a trickle of blood began to trickle down the side of his head "Ah there it is...my lovely little lamb's red sauce" she purred as she dipped a finger in his blood-matted hair and stuck her fat finger in her mouth. Gordon lay there with a white hot pain on the side of his head. He needed the money from this kitchen job. One day though, he would make all chefs in the world feel his boiling hatred.

Tryntius - 37 points, 12 poll votes - 15th

Once upon a time Gordon Ramsey had diarrhea. It burned him deep, deep unto his soul. It was so bad and got everywhere that he didn't know what to do. He saw his doctor but found no help. He saw the butt doctor, but it was no use. He met the Poop Smith, but no help there either. Then he had a marvelous idea. The Gordon got a wonderful, awful idea! He would sell it as lamb sauce. It sold for millions and millions. Now, no longer exclusive to people on his shows, everybody everywhere can deal with Gordon's shit.

DwarfAttack - 25 points, 5 poll votes - 16th

Gordon Ramsey was cooking lam, when suddenly he realized he needed the sauce. He set out to find the Lamb Sauce Crimbo. He quickly whacked the lamb repeatedly until blood came out. Gordon poured it into a cup, but to his dismay it was the Lamb Sauce Crimbo. To find it he had to find the Crimbo Lamb. So Gordon Ramsay went around whacking every lamb in search of the CRIMBO LAMB. The sorceress was jealous of his evil, so she quickly came in to stop him. She used her spell to make Gordon Ramsey turn into a Crimbo Goat. 

Maev - 12 points, 2 poll votes - 17th

"If this lamb was any drier, it would be a f$&king Steven Wright joke!" cursed Ramsey, as Milton quivered in fear. "There's no f$&ing way we're going to serve this crap for Crimbo unless we can pull together more sauce. Are there any drippings left for gravy? Of course s&$ing not! You incompetent hedgehog!" Terrified, Milton scrambled to find a source of gravy. He knew there was no lamb left, and no time to cook it down if there were. He'd have to use the rare Crimbo saketini he had been saving to make a wine sauce like no other.

Eat my grass - 5 points, 8 poll votes - 18th

Lamb sauce crimbo

You go into a restaurant and sit down, waiting for the delicious food that awaits you. But, a loud noise occurs and you find a man screaming for a flavorful ingrediant called "lamb sauce." Your head is spinning, what is this man doing? You say this phrase out loud, hoping for an answer "guacamole" some peaple turn, looking at you.

The yelling man weeps as he sits right next to you "where -sniff- is the lamb sauce" you answer "badonkadonk" you and the man sit in silence contemplating life and existance itself. "chicken strip" you say. -pants

Semi-final 2:

Rudy Mctudy - 66 points, 6 poll votes - 9th, lost jury pick

Once upon a time there was a man named Gordon, whose culinary horizons he wanted to broaden. He set up his own kitchen and made some tasty treats, which he traded to his customers for some mucky meats. Now his kitchen got so famous he ended up on telly, swearing like a dock worker while rubbing on his belly. But the fame, it got too much, and he choked on an orange; but nothing rhymes with orange except of course for door hinge. Now Gordon's underground and down on his luck and all that he can say is "oh fu-".

JXQZ - 57 points, 9 poll votes - 11th

I was nervous when Chef Ramsay looked over my dish. I had prepared the sauce a bit haphazardly and at the last minute, not sure how to cook such a strange and exotic dish. The gentleman at the market looked at me strange when I explained the ingredients so this must be a hard dish to create. We'd see.

The Chef began to look over my presentation, a nice cutlet with the sauce glazed over, without burning.

He took a small bite and crunched through a piece of broken glass and began yelling at me.

Ohhhhh. LAMB sauce. My bad.

Vasaluv - 55 points, 7 poll votes - 12th

T'was the night before Crimbo and all through the kitchen, not a lamb sauce to be found, and there was a bunch of bitchin'. "Where the hell could it be?" "Did you take it?" "Not me!"

And Gordon stood aghast, making an idiot sandwich of Crimbo Past. But with quite a shutter, our hearts stood aflutter - Crimbo Present licked his maw, the Hell's Kitchen all saw the bright ruby gloss of the coveted lamb sauce! With the pounding of a platter, the whole room did clatter and other than for Present, all ended well for that Kitchen in Hell.

UnPro Tony - 38 points, 10 poll votes - 13th

'This is one of the most disgusting things I have ever tasted in my life, and that is saying something!' Chef Gordon Ramsay said, burnt meat falling into the garbage. The woman flinched slightly, her red chef's coat covered in stains from numerous mistakes. 'How do you screw up fried chicken that badly? How do you manage to make it in here if you cant properly cook meat? This is one of the worst meals that has ever been seen on this show! Blue Team, you definitely won this one. Red Team? It. Was. Burned. And that is completely unacceptable."

MrChuckles326 - 33 points, 7 poll votes - 15th

"Good evening, young one. You must be the holy spirit the the Great Spazza has told us during the times of Crimbo," a voice propagated behind him. Jonathan suddenly brimmed with questions. "Excuse me sir, but do you happen to know this place?" The old man replied, "You have not heard of this city? It is great! There is no suffering, no poverty, no hate, and best of all, Lamb Sauce consumption has been made mandatory!" The old man's smile faded. "But you don't belong here! Goodbye." The gunshot's echo was still audible as Jonathan fell to the ground, lifeless.

gorgontamer - 32 points, 8 poll votes - 16th

Gordon had had a long day. 450 adventures in the Mines long day. As he slumped his way back to the patch of earth he called home, there was one thought in his mind. Food. His trusty chef was clicking. When you’re a world renowned ‘cook’, one’s utensils can show their use. Gordon schlepped over to his closet and rummaged for some ingredients. Cheese: check! Mushrooms: for days! Noodles: we got noodles. Now, he heads to the box. And then, a click! Clack! Boom! The planned dinner was doomed, but instead Gordon had created something far better. A broken skull!

Himynameis - 25 points, 7 poll votes - 17th

Back in Nam we were fighting the sauses. The war took 3 years, we had to retreat 7 battles cause we were out numbered. One of the battles i got surrounded there were 10 of em, but my good old friend Gordon helped me out, he through me my weaponry and he fought them off. In the second to last battle Gordon told me that what ever we do is to get him his lamb sause. On the final day we pushed on into the enemy's area. We got Gordon his lamb sause, he went super and won the war.

DemiGum - 21 points, 3 poll votes - 18th

Where was it? He could tell that it was close... he could smell it in the air, he could hear the gentle sizzle of the pan... But everywhere he looked, pale, pathetic imitations of what he desired surrounded him. He staked between the tables, the metal gleaming... and the pale imitations barely shone up at him, sluggishly from the tarnished and imperfect pans. Lamb sauce Where was it? He knew that it was close... the delicate, wonderful scent was getting closer. There! In the furthest corner... away from most of the prying cameras, but bathed in warm light. Lamb sauce!