A. Anaeri
They told us to stop the sun. Easy; just reason with a god mid-death. Our ship trembles as dawn cracks, yolk-bright and boiling. Someone prays; another laughs. The captain lights a Crimbo candle, as if wax could outshine a star. We move closer, our hull peeling like burnt paper. I see wings in the light; angels or ash, I can't tell. We launch the net. For a moment, the world holds its breath, listening. Then the sky screams, and all the light turns inside out. I think we were never meant to win. Maybe we were just meant to witness.
B. Foul Demon
"Yikes! The Sun over the Kingdom is about to turn into a supernova! We need to neutralize the danger!
Let's see, what do we need:
- Asbestos spaceship: check.
- At least Very Extremely Unthinkable High hot resistance: check.
- Space Helmet: check.
- Adventurers, who are actually stupid enough to risk their lives: of course check.
The heroic and charismatic leader of the group, Foul Demon, had a brilliant idea:
- Let's change the polarity of the neutron flow!
And so they did. And the mood of the supernova went from super to neutral, and it didn't go boom. And there was much rejoicing."
C. Chadomancer
It grew a little hotter every day. The daylight was growing... strange. Scientists said it was a matter of time before our sun went nova, but maybe we could do something. They formed a team. Because of my experience with volatile incidents, I was on it. They built many ships before they figured out how to keep one from melting before it got close enough to complete the mission: Teflon Ore. Up we went. Words cannot describe the heat. Finally, we passed the event horizon. There's the problem. We turned it of, then turned it on again. Click. Kingdom: Saved.
D. Funrmunt
The Sun was too hot. It was an issue that puzzled scientists for years, until one genius suggested that, like people, the Sun might cool down with am ice cream.
So there we were, seven people on a voyage to the sun with the most important cargo ever, a tub of ice cram and a waffle cone.
Being so close to the sun, the heat was penetrating the insulation. I started wondering whether the ice cram would even reach the surface, but we sent it nonetheless, and humanity's last hope for survival was on its way to save us all.
E .TrueTurtle
There has been strange signs from the Star. We thought it was just an unprecedented mass solar flare. So we sent a voyage to the Sun.
Hours later, Captain Susan of the spaceship "Darkest Day"; as new alarms blared and her people screamed in terror, could only think of bees.
Worker Bees, when preparing for their young to hatch, would gather food and make sure sustenance was around them as they hatched.
How else could what she was seeing be explained, as the beast that crawled out of the now empty Star has just feasted on it's first morsal, Mercury?
F. Poopyfartbutt
Captain Moron called the Sun "just a big campfire." His crew, equipped with marshmallows and swagger, launched their ship, and soon the Sun filled their view. "Prepare for roasting!" Moron bellowed, waving a skewer. In a flash, the marshmallows vaporized, then so did the paint of the ship, and with that, the crew's optimism. As the ship became a glowing streak, Moron laughed: "At least we'll be the brightest shooting star anyone's ever seen!" People later marveled at the bright streak across the sky, never knowing it was a doomed expedition, proof that ignorance can burn you alive. The end.
G. powerturtle
Entry #13 Log
"They said once the end would encroach upon this world it would be like a cold embrace. Never could they have expected such a thing to happen to our star. Our mission is the first and last of its kind. We make this journey not for ourselves, but for those we desire to see another day. If we succeed we don't expect to make it back. To stop the birth of that creature nested within the Sun, we now approach its event horizon, it's numbing knowing this is all about to end. Goodbye."
Captain Peter Final Entry
H. CheeseyPickle
The Sun is about 150 million kilometers from Earth.
On average, a person burns 60 kilocalories walking a kilometer.
Therefore, to walk to the Sun, you'd need to consume 9 teracalories.
A McDonald's cheeseburger contains 313 kilocalories.
Thus, you'd need around 29 million cheeseburgers to walk to the Sun.
Every year, McDonald's sells 2.4 billion burgers.
A single slice of cheese takes a half cup of milk to make.
You'd need 150 million gallons of milk to make 2.4 billion cheeseburgers.
Compared to jet fuel, which planes burn at 3 gallons per kilometer, milk is 3 times more efficient.
QED
I. Ryu Gin Verboten Revanant
Testing one...two...
This is Ryu Gin, Sealclubber on all frequencies. My co-pilot Phillip, an alcoholic Disco Bandit who's been drowning himself in vodka since take-off, has proven useless. It's up to me to save the Kingdom once again. Just another Northlander with no fear of death. The Council seemed really happy to hear that last part, actually. Actually it's pretty messed up now that I've read the fine print. I am currently at vector zero mark fifteen...a collision course. If anyone is receiving, have them send my reward to Hangk. I'm about to earn every meat stack.
Over and out.
J. Trick Deck
Sunamageddon hit the Kingdom when the sun announced it was "about to go kablooey" in a voice that sounded like a tipsy opera singer. Naturally, the King drafted me and three other adventurers who failed their Saving Throw vs. Responsibility.
We boarded Royal Sun-Stopper, a flying stepladder held aloft by duct tape and hope, and climbed into the sky.
The sun wasn't exploding, it just had "severe burnout".
So we offered it the traditional remedy: a motivational poster and a lukewarm energy drink.
The sun sighed, dimmed, and agreed not to explode today.
We earned 3 XP & mild sunburns.
K. Zabula
Nobody thought anything of it when the first lions started to climb atop each other, as they roared and snarled and climbed higher and higher.
Further and further did the tower get along, the base of the lions was smashed into the ground, yet the lions did not fall, their tower swayed this and that way, but it was impossible to topple.
The first Lion to reach space roared triumpantly, knowing it was still a long way, he couldnt move anymore. After that more lions conquered what few humans could, until finally their eternally enemy lay before them, the sun.
L. Nannachi
I always buy raffle tickets. And finally, I won: a one-way mission to save the kingdom. So, there I was, plastered with sunblock and armed with ALL the buckets of water... I fly there; it's hot. The water from the buckets evaporates. Hell, everything does. The heat is unbearable. What was I thinking?? Buckets? Really? As I get more delirious, I decide to park the rocket under a sign saying "SWITCH OFF HERE"... Am I dreaming?? I turn the switch off. BOOM. Sun is back to normal. Day is saved. But me?? I'm stuck there. No fuel to go back...
M. Psyko
'System Alert. External temperature at critical limits.'
The warning blares over the security system of Voyager Class Eden. It has been 2 years since the best of the Kingdom had begun their mission to prevent the sun going Supernova.
The warning repeats.
No one responds. There is no rush of activity. The oxygen system failure months before already extinguished all hope of a reprieve for the planet below.
A silence falls over the bridge as the warning system circuits fry. The ship drifts, carrying humanity's last hope towards its final resting place which gave our Kingdom life for so long.
N. Kol Miners Daughter
The sun's burning too hot
doomsday certainly near!
The council knew not a lot,
yet could feel the sear!
A plan hatched
an idea made
adventurers batched
schemes laid!
"Adventures come and
save the Kingdom whole!
Or all will be sand!
A terrible toll!"
Ready for fame
and the items drop
many came
a fresh crop!
"In a rocket, we'll
place you brave heroes
won't be long 'til
you're no longer zeroes!"
Shot to the sun
they're rocketed!
Homes, and treasure,
left was pocketed.
"Now we've gotten rid
of problem number one:
What do we do
about that blasted sun?"
O. Shellshocker Shen
Once upon a midday summer,
the heat frustrated Trevor;
He's had enough of this bummer,
and decided to end it forever.
He bolted onto his boat some boosters,
in his mission to end this weather;
people think he's off his rocker,
but Trevor thinks he knows better.
He built a ramp with metal and timber,
and wheels, to store after;
He wore his suit of leather,
to withstand the atmospheric pressure.
He pulled the lever, and with a jitter,
off he flew! Higher, higher!;
straight into the giant orb of fire,
and that was the end of Sun-Mad Trevor.
P. Who_Are0You
"Arrr, the sun be angry!" Our pirate ship, the SS Yolo, flew straight for it. "Man the cannon's!" the Cap'n yelled.
We loaded our many cannons with tiny bottles of Thrive Sunscreen. The first mate scratched his head. "Cap'n, this ain't nearly enough?"
"It's all they had on sale, anyway. FIRE!" the captain yelled.
We fired. Pathetically wasted into the emptiness void.
Before we could complain, Gary snatched a bottle. "Well, 'tis be a waste," he declared, slathering it on his arms. "I'll not get a burn, at least!"
The world below? Charcoal. But Gary's skin? Perfect like Pirates Treasure.
Q. SirStabsalot
The perfect crew had been assembled, ready to defend the earth from its oldest mortal enemy: the sun, which had inexplicably decided to kill the whole solar system in a fit of blind rage, and they would do so by crashing into it with the best technology available.
"All right men, women, chickens and Jerry (hi jerry (Hi!)) we've been training for months. we've only got 117 years before the world is engulfed in solar hellfire and we can't trust the next generation to remember to do this before its too late. Everyone got their popcorn and industrial grade freezers?"
R. Derplingtons
You grimace under your volcano mining suit inside the steam-powered rocket. Well, 500k is 500k. Wait, that's not that mu-
Takeoff!
Last night's emergency margarita sloshes around as you ascend beyond the astral plane.
You open the hatch, taking heavy breaths from your elf-guard scuba tank. Even here, the exploding sun's heat was unbearable.
You retrieve hundreds of limes and coconuts from your backpack, then push them together and away. A flash of darkness and light blinds you as a swarm of tiny black holes floats away.
...how will you stop the black holes? Eh, they'll pay you again.
S. potatolimerance
"Okay, pep talk. This is going to work, I promise. You've got Goggles of Loathing and Lava-Proof Pants on, you used SPF 451 lip balm, Mom gave you Hot Sweat, you synthesized Yummy Tummy beans for sublime hot resistance, and we even found someone to sell you an Industrial Fire Extinguisher to foam yourself. You good?"
"I'm ready."
"LAUNCH!"
The crowd cheers, PotatoLimerance is officially on the surface of the sun cooking up a final Crimbo side dish, a huge twice baked potato...until
"Um, guys, how are we going to get them back from the sun?"
womp, womp.
T. amoebalady
You're late--had to wait for your pilot to finish their standard run. "Be faster, Jenkens!" you think loudly. Couldn't be helped, and at least your steam-powered model rocketship's on its way now. You worry about its hot resistance as sweat drips off your brow. Is it enough? Only one chance. Light blazes through the cabin as you reach your mark and training takes over.
"Engage towel turbans!" you shout. "Release bridge!" (grateful for that non-ascender). "Deploy ice house!"
The sun enters the house. It freezes moments before exploding. Success!
And this newest Museum display warms the land.
U. Zanthia
The crew of the Flying Caipiranha were almost at the nova sun.
It was a race between them and the crew of Rocket Skirt wearing elves organised by Tammy to get there and extinguish it before it melted all the candy in the Kingdom
Captain Marvin Sunny performed a final check on the FLUDA.
As the proximity alarm klaxon filled the airlock, the crew opened the door, shook hands one final time. And stepped out.
Marvin looked straight ahead.
Into the grinning faces of the elven horde.
And spat out the immortal words:
Elven. That's ridiculous. It's not even sunny.
V. Soxfan196o
The sky was a molten furnace screaming as if a giant swallowed a lite bright and belched out a rainbow from the castle in the sky. The air was screamed a like an inferno across the heavens. The Seaside Town was ablaze and âThe Council of Loathingâ summoned me, soxfan196o a level 255 Pastamancer, to join an elite squad of adventurers including a Sauceror, Disco Bandit, Accordion Thief, and Seal Clubber. We flew by the sun to stop it from exploding on our meat-powered Bricko Airship. At the blazing core, I played my spaghetti-box banjo and the sun chilled out.
W. efot
"Mission status check. Hermit?"
"Propulsion system of banjo strings fueled by catsup is a go."
"Uncle P?"
"Our fancy tuxedo spacesuits are on point."
"Swagger Jack?"
"Huggler radio communication system tested and retested."
"Taco Dan?"
"I don't know why you want them eating my food in a small enclosed space but it's packed and ready."
"Armory and Leggory guy?"
"Weapons locked and loaded. That sun won't know what hit it."
"Meatsmith?"
"Sir, we've tried everything (well, meat anyway) and no shielding material in the Kingdom can withstand the sun's heat. Recommend aborting the mission."
"Screw it, we'll go at night."
X. Painterguy
We are going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship.
Saucegeysering through the Hole in the Sky!
The sun's about to explode!
Adventurers come on board, get ready to fight the sun!
Burnt meat you may find. The sun's ready to explode!
All moxious, magical, and beefy guys are ready to fight the sun!
We are riding a vessel made from junk, more junk, and pasta.
Let's hope we don't turn into linguini!
Build up your hot resistance, we are closing the distance.
Being barbecued. No thank you!
With the sweat of our brow the day will be ours.
When it was discovered that the Naughty Sorceress had diminished the sun. A plan was made. Gather the greatest of the classes and send them forth.
The crowds gathered to watch as the Council gave the adventurers the go-ahead.
The Turtle Tamer blessed the Sauceror, the Pastamancer cast a healing cocoon.
The Accordion Thief played and the Disco Bandit danced.
The Seal Clubber bellowed "Batter Up!" and hit the Sauceror so hard, he flew into orbit and towards the sun.
He eventually reached his target.
The Sauceror pulled his wand and smiled.
*POP*
And the Sun turned into a sausage.
No comments:
Post a Comment