Poll for non-entrants here
Also voting: Derplingtons, Chadomancer
A. Rishi Sunak
"One last trip together" Biddy Cracker said.
Jerry eyed the team waiting for the sun while Chester and Oscus passed out wands and sunglasses.
"When we're finished I donât think the sun is going to shine anymore" he replied. "If the sun goes down it'll be as a black hole sun and therefore an invisible sun. But we'll need to move fast or we'll be trapped in the sun"
"Well, don't let the sun go down on me then." said Biddy.
"If we can reach the third rock from the sun, we'll be safe."
"Here comes the sun", called George.
B. Don_Domat
Heroes in the Kingdom savor astral pilsners and flagons of swills in the Typical Tavern, enjoying ggames, ggossip and misappropriated TortureBot tofu.
Someone shouts "ARmageddon!" A typical barroom brawl ensures, everybody looking under the tables for the ticket. "Sunmageddon?" Call for Adventurers issued! Minimum requirements: 11 King Ralphs saved, level 3 telescope. The Magnificent Six, one of each Class, combine into megathrall- pastazord, use the transfunctioner to collect anti-anti-antipixels (the biggest collection effort since toast), fly the model rocketship to the sun, and BCZ the stats out of it with controlled anti-anti-explosions, shrinking it just below Chandrasekhir radius. Antirafflers rejoice!
C. Poopyfartbutt
Captain Moron called the Sun "just a big campfire." His crew, equipped with marshmallows and swagger, launched their ship, and soon the Sun filled their view. "Prepare for roasting!" Moron bellowed, waving a skewer. In a flash, the marshmallows vaporized, then so did the paint of the ship, and with that, the crew's optimism. As the ship became a glowing streak, Moron laughed: "At least we'll be the brightest shooting star anyone's ever seen!" People later marveled at the bright streak across the sky, never knowing it was a doomed expedition, proof that ignorance can burn you alive. The end.
D. Zabula
Nobody thought anything of it when the first lions started to climb atop each other, as they roared and snarled and climbed higher and higher.
Further and further did the tower get along, the base of the lions was smashed into the ground, yet the lions did not fall, their tower swayed this and that way, but it was impossible to topple.
The first Lion to reach space roared triumpantly, knowing it was still a long way, he couldnt move anymore. After that more lions conquered what few humans could, until finally their eternally enemy lay before them, the sun.
E. scoot heren fro
"You are the sun" you think as you walk through the desert. "You send rays of light and holy blasphemy onto these lands." its been 3 straight weeks of walking, resting in what little shade their seems to be; drinking your own strained sweat and popping pill bugs like christmas candy. Their is no end in sight, however far you keep walking, just endless dunes and the promise of battle. "The moon will eclipse you, as is our sacred duty prescribed in the glorious amber bottle of Wane. For, I, Wax will it." You shuffle on, longing for the night.
F. powerturtle
Entry #13 Log
"They said once the end would encroach upon this world it would be like a cold embrace. Never could they have expected such a thing to happen to our star. Our mission is the first and last of its kind. We make this journey not for ourselves, but for those we desire to see another day. If we succeed we don't expect to make it back. To stop the birth of that creature nested within the Sun, we now approach its event horizon, it's numbing knowing this is all about to end. Goodbye."
Captain Peter Final Entry
G. Adamrune
Jimmy, David and Lorenzo prepped their spacesuits. Upon prepping, they entered the spacecraft aptly named KOL Hero.
"Council do we have clearance to depart on Misson DELETE?" Captain Jimmy radioed?
"You are clear to depart, KOL Hero!" Council said.
The ship launches from The Nearby Plains and makes a direct approach towards the supernova sun. "Igniting Light speed!" David said over comms. The ship slipped into hyperspace and exited near the sun.
The team gunner Lorenzo hit the big red button that fired an anti-supernova missile at the sun. A large flash occured, and the sun's disastrous rise was stopped.
H. Anaeri
They told us to stop the sun. Easy; just reason with a god mid-death. Our ship trembles as dawn cracks, yolk-bright and boiling. Someone prays; another laughs. The captain lights a Crimbo candle, as if wax could outshine a star. We move closer, our hull peeling like burnt paper. I see wings in the light; angels or ash, I can't tell. We launch the net. For a moment, the world holds its breath, listening. Then the sky screams, and all the light turns inside out. I think we were never meant to win. Maybe we were just meant to witness.
I. Foul Demon
"Yikes! The Sun over the Kingdom is about to turn into a supernova! We need to neutralize the danger!
Let's see, what do we need:
- Asbestos spaceship: check.
- At least Very Extremely Unthinkable High hot resistance: check.
- Space Helmet: check.
- Adventurers, who are actually stupid enough to risk their lives: of course check.
The heroic and charismatic leader of the group, Foul Demon, had a brilliant idea:
- Let's change the polarity of the neutron flow!
And so they did. And the mood of the supernova went from super to neutral, and it didn't go boom. And there was much rejoicing."
J. Who_Are0You
"Arrr, the sun be angry!" Our pirate ship, the SS Yolo, flew straight for it. "Man the cannon's!" the Cap'n yelled.
We loaded our many cannons with tiny bottles of Thrive Sunscreen. The first mate scratched his head. "Cap'n, this ain't nearly enough?"
"It's all they had on sale, anyway. FIRE!" the captain yelled.
We fired. Pathetically wasted into the emptiness void.
Before we could complain, Gary snatched a bottle. "Well, 'tis be a waste," he declared, slathering it on his arms. "I'll not get a burn, at least!"
The world below? Charcoal. But Gary's skin? Perfect like Pirates Treasure.
K. arlos67
I was walking my pet fish when I saw a spaceship just sitting there. I got in it and it took me to the sun. On the way I saw aliens, meteors and a lot more. 3 hours laterrrr. I woke up on a diff ship. I was so scared I had no idea what was happening. Turns out I was on the alien ship. I screamed so loud I jumped on the alien leader and ended him. Then I became the new leader and 4 years later I made it to the sun and took over space, The end
L. TomiokaMeow
“A voyage to the sun,
is surely a lot of fun.”
That is what little Timmy thought,
He wanted to help the elite crew and whatnot.
So he started building with a metal sheet.
He made two metal boxes.
With duct-tape he put together the boxes of metal.
He put gunpowder in one of the boxes and voila, there was a rocket that was quite gentle.
He put himself in the other box,
and with a lucifer he lit the first box.
With a boom the box exploded, he was just eleven years old.
It's ridiculous. It's not even funny.
M. CheeseyPickle
The Sun is about 150 million kilometers from Earth.
On average, a person burns 60 kilocalories walking a kilometer.
Therefore, to walk to the Sun, you'd need to consume 9 teracalories.
A McDonald's cheeseburger contains 313 kilocalories.
Thus, you'd need around 29 million cheeseburgers to walk to the Sun.
Every year, McDonald's sells 2.4 billion burgers.
A single slice of cheese takes a half cup of milk to make.
You'd need 150 million gallons of milk to make 2.4 billion cheeseburgers.
Compared to jet fuel, which planes burn at 3 gallons per kilometer, milk is 3 times more efficient.
QED
N. SirStabsalot
The perfect crew had been assembled, ready to defend the earth from its oldest mortal enemy: the sun, which had inexplicably decided to kill the whole solar system in a fit of blind rage, and they would do so by crashing into it with the best technology available.
"All right men, women, chickens and Jerry (hi jerry (Hi!)) we've been training for months. we've only got 117 years before the world is engulfed in solar hellfire and we can't trust the next generation to remember to do this before its too late. Everyone got their popcorn and industrial grade freezers?"
O. Funrmunt
The Sun was too hot. It was an issue that puzzled scientists for years, until one genius suggested that, like people, the Sun might cool down with am ice cream.
So there we were, seven people on a voyage to the sun with the most important cargo ever, a tub of ice cram and a waffle cone.
Being so close to the sun, the heat was penetrating the insulation. I started wondering whether the ice cram would even reach the surface, but we sent it nonetheless, and humanity's last hope for survival was on its way to save us all.
P. Folk Trance
Icarus-2, ready for lift-off! It is go time!
No more waxed-feather gliders - our ship will be moving so fast you will barely notice any heating. This time we shall orbit the Sun!
Get ready to look through the window! We have just few seconds before we will faint from the intense acceleration forces!
Solar radiation sears the sleek surface of the ship. The space tourists onboard faint on their acceleration couches
Autopilot engaged. Radio contact to Earth is lost for a few minutes.
The captain slowly starts regaining his consciousness.
"Houston, captain reporting back. My vision is completely lost."
Q. Soxfan196o
The sky was a molten furnace screaming as if a giant swallowed a lite bright and belched out a rainbow from the castle in the sky. The air was screamed a like an inferno across the heavens. The Seaside Town was ablaze and "The Council of Loathing" summoned me, soxfan196o a level 255 Pastamancer, to join an elite squad of adventurers including a Sauceror, Disco Bandit, Accordion Thief, and Seal Clubber. We flew by the sun to stop it from exploding on our meat-powered Bricko Airship. At the blazing core, I played my spaghetti-box banjo and the sun chilled out.
Semi-final 2:
Also voting: Kol Miners Daughter, Nannachi, Zanthia
A. Shellshocker Shen
Once upon a midday summer,
the heat frustrated Trevor;
He's had enough of this bummer,
and decided to end it forever.
He bolted onto his boat some boosters,
in his mission to end this weather;
people think he's off his rocker,
but Trevor thinks he knows better.
He built a ramp with metal and timber,
and wheels, to store after;
He wore his suit of leather,
to withstand the atmospheric pressure.
He pulled the lever, and with a jitter,
off he flew! Higher, higher!;
straight into the giant orb of fire,
and that was the end of Sun-Mad Trevor.
B. TrueTurtle
There has been strange signs from the Star. We thought it was just an unprecedented mass solar flare. So we sent a voyage to the Sun.
Hours later, Captain Susan of the spaceship "Darkest Day"; as new alarms blared and her people screamed in terror, could only think of bees.
Worker Bees, when preparing for their young to hatch, would gather food and make sure sustenance was around them as they hatched.
How else could what she was seeing be explained, as the beast that crawled out of the now empty Star has just feasted on it's first morsal, Mercury?
C. potatolimerance
"Okay, pep talk. This is going to work, I promise. You've got Goggles of Loathing and Lava-Proof Pants on, you used SPF 451 lip balm, Mom gave you Hot Sweat, you synthesized Yummy Tummy beans for sublime hot resistance, and we even found someone to sell you an Industrial Fire Extinguisher to foam yourself. You good?"
"I'm ready."
"LAUNCH!"
The crowd cheers, PotatoLimerance is officially on the surface of the sun cooking up a final Crimbo side dish, a huge twice baked potato...until
"Um, guys, how are we going to get them back from the sun?"
womp, womp.
D. Trick Deck
Sunamageddon hit the Kingdom when the sun announced it was "about to go kablooey" in a voice that sounded like a tipsy opera singer. Naturally, the King drafted me and three other adventurers who failed their Saving Throw vs. Responsibility.
We boarded Royal Sun-Stopper, a flying stepladder held aloft by duct tape and hope, and climbed into the sky.
The sun wasn't exploding, it just had "severe burnout".
So we offered it the traditional remedy: a motivational poster and a lukewarm energy drink.
The sun sighed, dimmed, and agreed not to explode today.
We earned 3 XP & mild sunburns.
E. Aeshma
The sun - there is no sign that it will stop growing. If only we had Spruce Willis and his ragtag group of miscreants.
But there is only us...
And OH BOY are we going to make a mess of things, but we'll kill the sun or die trying! I walk through the halls of the USS Loathing and hand every able-bodied soul the finest bottle of gin that meat can buy (which means it still tastes like Oscus's toilet water).
We all got hammered and blacked out, but I assume we crashed into the sun and saved the world.
F. efot
"Mission status check. Hermit?"
"Propulsion system of banjo strings fueled by catsup is a go."
"Uncle P?"
"Our fancy tuxedo spacesuits are on point."
"Swagger Jack?"
"Huggler radio communication system tested and retested."
"Taco Dan?"
"I don't know why you want them eating my food in a small enclosed space but it's packed and ready."
"Armory and Leggory guy?"
"Weapons locked and loaded. That sun won't know what hit it."
"Meatsmith?"
"Sir, we've tried everything (well, meat anyway) and no shielding material in the Kingdom can withstand the sun's heat. Recommend aborting the mission."
"Screw it, we'll go at night."
G. Psyko
'System Alert. External temperature at critical limits.'
The warning blares over the security system of Voyager Class Eden. It has been 2 years since the best of the Kingdom had begun their mission to prevent the sun going Supernova.
The warning repeats.
No one responds. There is no rush of activity. The oxygen system failure months before already extinguished all hope of a reprieve for the planet below.
A silence falls over the bridge as the warning system circuits fry. The ship drifts, carrying humanity's last hope towards its final resting place which gave our Kingdom life for so long.
Excerpt from a Recent Council of Loathing Community Meeting
Adventurer: "so I think that we go get some Hobofortress blueprints, right? So, we use those transponder elf things, assemble that sucker in space, load up the crew with SPF 451 lip balm plus automatic catapults with double-ice for ammo. Then strap a huge freaking bunch of fireworks to the butt of the fortress, aim at the light and charge that big shiny jerk!"
Council of Loathing: "You're Hired!"
Excerpt from the next Council of Loathing Community Meeting
Council of Loathing: "but we did find several pairs of unburned human lips."
I. theMalcolite
The sun was on fire, and it wasn't my fault.
Getting here, to the Chariot of Incineration, was hard enough. The Rocky Peak - the ice having melted - wasn't nearly tall enough. The Penultimate Airship was down for repairs. The Crashed Castle was grounded when the clouds melted. In the end, it was the permanent shroud of gloom surrounding Spookyraven Manor that saved the day, keeping the burning rays at bay long enough to enact a great ritual.
The expedition started strong, up until I found the red lever.
And thus?
The sun was on fire, and it wasn't my fault.
J. Zeko
Redness flooded everything as we left the atmosphere. No longer yellow but red, cruel, growing.
Yet still cold in here. How did I get pulled into this? Not even a fools errand. Is this even real?
It announces: "forty seconds until point of no return."
Bitch. Soothing voice they said. Just burns. Infuriating... it's definitely real.
"Thirty seconds"
Why couldnât the robots have done it alone. Leave me in Peace.
"Twenty seconds"
Just end it now. Why botherâbrvbar; At least better me than the ones back home.
"10 seconds. Prepare."
Yeah, better me. Maybe it'll even work.
I'm feeling warmer
K. heddd
"Sunarmageddon! The Burning!" the Council cried,
"The sun's gone wild, supernova even!"
Onto the Fantasy Airship, me, myself and I,
Clad in double-ice, cool and freezin'.
I squinted up and past the rays,
Now it's time to cool the sun.
I threw ice, ice, ice for days!
And then even more ice, just for fun!
Just when victory seemed assured,
Wait... was the sun... freezing over?
No, surely that was absurd!
But frost was spreading with no closure.
"Sunarfrigiddon! The Freezing!" the Council cried,
Oh, no, not this again!
At least Crimbo was nigh,
Some snow would be nice then.
L. KoaBD
In the Kingdom, the sky burned brighter each day. The Council of Loathing summoned its finest an Accordion Thief, a Sauceror, and a Seal Clubber. Sent on a dire mission. Stop the sun from going supernova. Armed with sunscreen SPF 451, enchanted frozen margaritas, and regret. The elite team boarded the steam powdered rocket ship and took off for the sun. Once there the Sauceror stirred the solar core with a ladle of cooling sauce, while the Accordion Thief played a soothing ballad to lull the sun back to sleep. The Seal Clubber just hit it hard. Somehow it worked.
M. Ryu Gin Verboten Revanant
Testing one...two...
This is Ryu Gin, Sealclubber on all frequencies. My co-pilot Phillip, an alcoholic Disco Bandit who's been drowning himself in vodka since take-off, has proven useless. It's up to me to save the Kingdom once again. Just another Northlander with no fear of death. The Council seemed really happy to hear that last part, actually. Actually it's pretty messed up now that I've read the fine print. I am currently at vector zero mark fifteen...a collision course. If anyone is receiving, have them send my reward to Hangk. I'm about to earn every meat stack.
Over and out.
N. Painterguy
We are going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship.
Saucegeysering through the Hole in the Sky!
The sun's about to explode!
Adventurers come on board, get ready to fight the sun!
Burnt meat you may find. The sun's ready to explode!
All moxious, magical, and beefy guys are ready to fight the sun!
We are riding a vessel made from junk, more junk, and pasta.
Let's hope we don't turn into linguini!
Build up your hot resistance, we are closing the distance.
Being barbecued. No thank you!
With the sweat of our brow the day will be ours.
O. ScotlandsFinest
When it was discovered that the Naughty Sorceress had diminished the sun. A plan was made. Gather the greatest of the classes and send them forth.
The crowds gathered to watch as the Council gave the adventurers the go-ahead.
The Turtle Tamer blessed the Sauceror, the Pastamancer cast a healing cocoon.
The Accordion Thief played and the Disco Bandit danced.
The Seal Clubber bellowed "Batter Up!" and hit the Sauceror so hard, he flew into orbit and towards the sun.
He eventually reached his target.
The Sauceror pulled his wand and smiled.
*POP*
And the Sun turned into a sausage.
P. amoebalady
You're late--had to wait for your pilot to finish their standard run. "Be faster, Jenkens!" you think loudly. Couldn't be helped, and at least your steam-powered model rocketship's on its way now. You worry about its hot resistance as sweat drips off your brow. Is it enough? Only one chance. Light blazes through the cabin as you reach your mark and training takes over.
"Engage towel turbans!" you shout. "Release bridge!" (grateful for that non-ascender). "Deploy ice house!"
The sun enters the house. It freezes moments before exploding. Success!
And this newest Museum display warms the land.
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