A. Funrmunt:
The Intra-Imperial Inquisition is a big maze. Seems simple, right? No. This maze is one-of-a-kind (mostly because we change it every event). The maze is designed to represent all of the kingdom, from fully aquatic sections reminiscent of The Sea to eXtreme icy regions replicating our grand mountains. Contestants will compete individually to escape. But they don't only need to find the door, they also need to discover the shrines within each of the sectors. These shrines contain keys, six of the seven are necessary to escape the maze and become the Champion, before they are left to become obstacles.
B. Soxfan196o:
Two teams got ready as zombies and pirates mounted on their broomsticks in the arena with hopes to capture the Quidditch Cup— Wait this is not Harry Potter and it is the wrong universe. In this whimsical world of the Kingdom of Loathing a different sport emerged: "Meatball Dodgeball."
The teams gathered and at the center of the field was a giant meatball, glistening and radiating a savory aroma that made players' mouths water. The objective was simple: dodge, duck, dip and dive in order to outlast and grab the meatball. Only two teams remained, and this was the final.
C. ThoughtfulScarf:
"Art is sport." the Pretentious Artist demands firmly to Susie, blocking the entrance for entering Loathing's Olympics.
"Sir, the other contestants are waiting, pleas-"
"Art is a sport. What of the athletes of the mind? Those who train their hands, their eyes, their souls to capture light, emotion, form, space on a canvas?"
"Sir pleas-"
"What if painters were all treated like the world-class athletes they are, competing not for medals, but for the acclaim of pushing culture forward in a single brushstroke? The craft of an artist is as much willpower as the muscle of a marathoner."
"Please leave."
D. Zanthia:
And as Abuela dropped the snowflake into the waters of the cove, a Crimbo miracle happened. Never before had the entire water surface around the pirate vessel frozen solid.
As the residents of the Land watched, Abuela pulled a bell rope, and a vast TOLL went out.
Ninja snowman assassins rollerskated from the North, which was a little odd as the skates were on their heads.
And from a gangplank, Obligatory Pirates leapt to the surface, on rollerblades.
Goals appeared at either side, and with a CLANG, a snow covered metal ball dropped from the sky.
ROLLERSNOWBALL season had begun!
E. Sauceror Vitalysis:
I couldn't afford to miss this shot. The Loathing Cup winner was in my hands. if I missed this shot, what would I tell my family at Crimbo? what would they think of me? Sauceror Vitalysis, the top 2 football player, is a disappointment? The stakes were too high. everything moved in slow motion as the last few milliseconds went down on the clock. I was just meters away from the goal. but in the last moment, I snapped out of it. I decided there was no time to think. I aimed best I could at the goal, and kicked.
F. Blobster111
Loathing Sports
The excitement of the Annual Undead Games had risen to an all time high, with this year including a new event. Lord Spookyraven hurled a wine-bomb into the air, signalling the beginning of the final event, Cannonball Chaos. Immediately, the athletes began firing their cannons as fast as they could at each other, pulverizing skeletons into dust and crushing the bodies of zombies. Vampires were (temporarily) exorcised with crude silver projectiles and ghosts were dissipated with showers of saltpeter. Eventually, a winner arose amongst these titans of the undead world. A little skeleton armed with a viking hat.
G. SirStabsaLot:
Evening sports fans! Councilman #3 here live from the loathing battle dome as we prepare to show off the first ever match of shadow rift showdown! The west plains Knob Goblins, versus the Southtown Warwelfs! worwolves? wolfmens? Whatever they are the furry giants are going wild (someone call security) and we're excited to see which side can fend off our horrible shadow monsters longer before running screaming like the little babies we know them to be! Honestly this should be a war crime, but most entertainment is! Today's show is sponsored by Guzzlr: Guzzle it up you shamless dog you!
H. LysVail:
Here she comes, The seducing evil in the tower aboveground.
She steps into Seas to conquer.
No one oppose her, all enchanted by beauty.
'Your form! Challenge our leader!' a monkee, said.
But. What's this?
<clues> pops into her mind. She realized she can't speak; she fumbled.
"Beat her, Dad!" the monkee said.
Looking at her reflection, she got angry.
She tried to murmur <spell> but nothing.
She Dempsey roll her way to strike dad down, barrages come yet it can't penetrate Dad.
Dad didn't even move yet like a balloon popping.
Her figure popped, transforming into phase -.
'DOWN!'
I. Kame Crush:
In the kingdom, residents hold certain events at times. One event is a golf tournament: but it's the entire kingdom. In this, they will have to evade obstacles such as the monsters encountered in it, defend themselves against alleged loitering charges (some of them might even have to finish in prison and hit the ball off the prisoners' slop! Ewwww) and try finish this death-defying, intense, and very comical course across the kingdom! Who will win? That will obviously be the council so who will lose first? You or the monsters running that course like their lives depend on it.
J. Borntoclubseals:
"You! Catch!" an imp hurled me a rock, and shouted, "Attention, the Annual Loathing Sports has commenced! Beat his crap or crap his beat, and take his badge to win 100 million meat!"
Suddenly, wave of living (and non-living) things rushed towards me. Quickly, I grabbed the imp, flipped him, and screamed, "Bash my head or tail?"
"Head!"
The imp landed on his tails, and everything stopped. "Aw man," dejected, they turn to return. "Wait!" I flung the imp into the mob. "Make the imp limp or gimp! Winning side gets 100 blimp!" I declared, skedaddling as they howled warcry.
K. Murnjendoof:
Welcome back, folks! If you're just tuning in, I'm John Sportscaster with tonight's game. We've got one heck of a game lined up for you tonight. The Knob Goblin Knob Gobblers will be facing off against The Innumerable Tentacles Of Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl. Looks like the game is starting, and-- what a development, folks! Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl has opened its horrible eye and is casting despair directly into the minds of all who look upon it! The Knob Gobblers, and the spectators' collective sanity, have been thoroughly crushed! I'm gonna go sit in a dark room and cry until I run out of tears.
L. Chadomancer:
It was a beautiful day in the Kingdom as spectators gathered along the River Styk to witness the First Annual Yak Hack: a kayak race down the river where anything goes! Camp Logging Camp was expected to have the upper hand in the Hack department, but hippies are known to be handy with an oar, so it was anyone's race. The frat boys started strong, but ended up doing more drinking than rowing, and we quickly left wallowing. In a last minute twist, the yetis came out of nowhere, threw the loggers into the hippies and took the gold! MAG-nificent!
M. Gary the Fifth:
The day of the Gnoll-Goblin Sandworm Race had arrived. Both racers stepped up to their drum machines, hooks in hand. As they turned up the bass, they heard a rush of sand in their ears, and next they knew, they were gliding over the sand. The Gnoll thumped his worm, speeding it up. This proved to be a fatal mistake. As the racers rounded the first turn, the Gnoll's worm whipped around too fast, flinging its rider into the distant dunes. That year, the Gnoll-Goblin Sandworm Race concluded with terrible tragedy for the Gnolls, and great victory for the Goblins.
N. Verdant Purple:
"Not the bongs!"
Tensions were already high at the biennial SuperHackyPong championship. Captain Greenlocks shuffled over to the Frat sidelines, bleary eyes ascowl.
"I said be careful, maaan! That was, like, the biggest bong pyramid ever!"
A smug grin crept over Alpha Chadbro Jockman's face; of course, he'd shattered them on purpose. The Frat had been eyeing the Hippies' prized cache of moxie weed for years. Their plans to seize it were finally in motion.
Once honest competition, the sportsmanly days of good-natured games were suddenly ancient history. War was in the air. The opening salvo had just been fired.
O. Derplingtons:
We all know Moneyball... now get ready for Meatball: the fake story of a real game's fake baseball team! In Loathing, baseball is a ritual where dead baseball bats of the Bat Hole are honored by returning their bodies to flight using manual propulsion. The kingdom's undead reign supreme thanks to centuries of experience (and killing/recruiting opponents). However, the upstart elementals have one last hope: the hockey elemental. Thinking quickly, it flipped its hockey stick upright, allowing it to smash homeruns, flipping the league on its head. Will underdogs overthrow the champions, or face defeat? See Meatball in theaters this Jarlsuary!
P. Rincathor:
Picture the scene - shirts versus skins face off in an epic game of Spookyraven Manor Haunted Billiards! It's winner-takes-all in a high-stakes game of 8-ball. The catch is that some of the balls are real, and some take on a ghostly mind of their own - spinning backward, falling through the table, and making terrible wailing and moaning sounds. Opponents knocked out of the contest immediately join the throngs of ghosts trying to guard the haunted pantry. The winner is entitled to take ownership of the manor and 2 million meat, as well as a fantastic feast fit for the gods.
Q. Nannachi:
WELCOME TO SUPER KOL-BALL!!
Merkin Gladiators Vs. Merkin Scholars! Is this even a fight??
But wait: The scholars are using angles to figure out the landing of the ball???
THEY GOT IT!!!
With simple mass to force calculations, they shift a bit to the left and tackle the attacker!!!
IT'S A TOUCHDOWN!!!
Gladiators are angry... They are bringing out their Mer-kin nets!!
SCHOLARS COUNTER ATTACK WITH DARK VISION!!!!
Crowd goes wild!
Everything is black... Announcer can't see. Crowd can't see. Gladiators can't see.
Scholars touched Down. And again. And again...
THEY WIN!
Rumour has it, No One saw this coming...
R. ScotlandsFinest:
The inaugural game of the KoL Haggis Hunt took place on the 13th of Febtober. All teams were given a day to hunt, find and capture the illusive Haggii. Equipped with only their wits and rare Scottish lure known as Tennents Lager, they were unleashed upon the wilderness.
RESULTS
#1. Pirate Posse - 0
#1. Constellation Brightsparks - 0
#1. El Vibrato Machinations - 0
#1. Dreadsylvanian Drunkards - 0
#1. Hey-Deze Harlequins - 0
#1. Gnomish Thugnerdomes - 0
#1. Elvish Earlobes - 0
#1. Tentacle Terrors - 0
#1. Crimbomination Cuties - 0
#1. Mer-Kin Marauders - 0
Deemed a massive failure, The Hunt was cancelled forever more.
S. theMalcolite:
Welcome, paying audience members! Valid goals are through the red hoops only and threes are wild here at the First Annual Poker Sportsball event, hosted right here at the Seaside Town Underground Stadium. Scheduled today is the first game of the first round of the Extreme Deathmatch Elimination Bracket, where the Poop Deck Swabbers will face off against Woldo's Warriors. The pirates are known for always having an ace up their sleeve and powder in their breeches, but can they overcome the leather straps and sharp blades of the Warriors? Place your bets now, and may the best team triumph!
T. KoL Miners Daughter:
It was a beautiful day at field,
camaraderie the council tried to build.
A game between orcettes and stonettes.
Boys gathered and placed bets.
Football: a game not well known,
was the ball ran? Kicked? Thrown?
This was meant to replace war?
Is that what they thought sports are for?
A broken nail, a cry: "Slut!"
A chill harshed by kick of butt.
Soon the game was a brawl!
Every player forgot the ball.
The game stopped with the fight,
the referee ran off in fright!
From a game of teams: a battle
which took out the island, and Seattle.
U. SpiritOfTheForest:
Coming to you live from the Typical Tavern; it seems that all this basic brawling has gotten a bit dull for its patrons, and they crave something more than simple punches. They have decided to kick it up a notch, so to speak, and turn their attention to... chessboxing?! Was the Plastered Frat Orc actually pursuing a major in Mathemathics? Will the Werecougar do the Ware Opening, or maybe the Lion Defense? Will the Rat Defense be utilized at some point? How about the Zukertort Opening: Drunken Cavalry Variation, followed by a swift rear uppercut? Tune in, let's find out!
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