Crimbopalooza 2016: Most Unforgettable Crimbo Moment
15 entries
Winner: Psymar, 106 points
Once upon a crimbo dreary
As I pondered weak and weary
Over a tome of clip art and manual of transcendent olfaction from days of yore
Suddenly there came a rapping
As of someone gently tapping
Tapping at my chamber door.
Quoth my tired self, “knock it off, I’m trying to sleep here.”.
I ignored; then came a clapping
Just to rouse me from my napping
In the hopes that maybe someday I’d actually get up and go answer the door.
Suddenly I let the cat in
And he started speaking latin
Quoth the kitten,
Estuans Interius Ira Vehementi, SEPHIROTH!
Summerpalooza 2017: The Necks Chapter
Winner: Phantax, 477 points
Now he knew what that constant sense of incompleteness that he felt was. Alexander stared at the monstrosity lying dead at his feet. It was like looking at a mirror, with one difference: where his neckstalk ended, a large fleshy structure protruded instead. Alexander turned away, shuddering. The sight was hideous, and yet! It was whole. Perfect. Entranced, he got down on all fours and crept towards the corpse and, in a single stroke, cut off the protrusion. Setting the bloody lump on his neckstalk, he began to look for his sewing kit. It was time to make some stitches.
Crimbopalooza 2017: A Lamb Sauce Crimbo
36 entries
Winner: TheSilhouette, 302 points
Once upon a time, there was an ugly barnacle! Oh no, but this isn't how this story goes; You see, the chef had always been a short-tempered perfectionist and such dilemmas are no match for his level of expertise... or so he thought. It was a warm Crimbo evening, Ramsay was preparing a fine meal and in order to up his game, he got some barnacles, cooked them up and upon serving, noticed LAMB SAUCE was missing!! So he served them without it! and everybody died, Why?, you ask, The sauce? Pfft, No!, It's because Barnacles are poisonous! THE END!
Summerpalooza 2018: Your Ship Sucks
35 entries
Winner: Aeshma, 270 points
The council had had enough. Having seen the crowds gather at the desert beach, destined for Kokomo, they chartered a private ship to the Frigid Northlands. But...
Soon after boarding the ship, the council were surrounded by seamen, and were forced to sleep on the poopdeck. They wanted to steal the ship's dinghy to escape, but they knew they'd have to walk the plank. Even worse, the fourth council member found some barnacles on his hull…
One night, out of nowhere, the Hermit approached the council and tossed one disassembled clover to each of them, “There’s no luck in hell.”
Crimbopalooza 2018: Your Fandom Sucks
25 entries
Winner: Prusias, 298 points
'Your fandom is trash'
He said relishing my disgust.
Its writers are rash
and its fans lack trust.'
I shrugged down my anger and gave him a sigh
As I prepared for the greatest ass-beating the world could spy.
'My fandom is shit?'
'We'll look at your fandom lickety split.'
'Well My Little Pony...um' I interrupted with a gaffe.
'Your obsession with ponies,
is whack, we can agree.'
'It must be a real malady,
for it's just beastiality.'
'Uh.. no it's not that.'
He said abash.
I reached over and gave him a pat.
'It's okay, your fandom is trash.'
Summerpalooza 2019: Make-Your-Own-Afterlife
Winner: Moon, 257 points
You know that feeling? Youre dreaming but suddenly WAKE UP inside the dream? Yes you do! Its called Lucid dreaming and in your last incarnation you practiced it so when you went to Valhalla just before drinking the stygian drink of eternal forget, you slipped the drink under your coat and didnt forget anything at all. You have seen the Eternal Cheese and know that you must destroy it finally once and for all. Hunted by the valhallian Police you fight your way through the kingdom not distracted by the naughty sorceress quest. To once and for all be free.
Crimbopalooza 2019: Get Me Outta This Party
32 entries
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 346 points
It was Crimbo Eve and there was a lot of cheer,
but my boyfriend Drake had drank too much beer.
And he was looking around this snowy night
thinking maybe, just maybe, a fight?
Oh, not the guy with the three handed sword!
Is Drake really that bored?
With the red cap and the fluffy white ball
this is not a good opponent, at all!
So thus I must leave, before the building falls
maybe I'll just tell him nature calls?
Since Drake is a dragon and his breath is alight
so he won't be happy without a Crimbo knight.
32 entries
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 346 points
It was Crimbo Eve and there was a lot of cheer,
but my boyfriend Drake had drank too much beer.
And he was looking around this snowy night
thinking maybe, just maybe, a fight?
Oh, not the guy with the three handed sword!
Is Drake really that bored?
With the red cap and the fluffy white ball
this is not a good opponent, at all!
So thus I must leave, before the building falls
maybe I'll just tell him nature calls?
Since Drake is a dragon and his breath is alight
so he won't be happy without a Crimbo knight.
Summerpalooza 2020: A Summer at the Ranch
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 336 points
Kickin' at the ranch with Dr. Phil
Thinking summer will be a thrill!
He's psychoanalyzing six feet away
(Having to remind him where to stay).
He diagnosed all the issues
(not even offering tissues)
he thinks I must be feelin', ya,
like catagelophobia and alopeciaphilia.
I was staring at the sun hitting his head
(much better then listening to what was said)
I had come to shoot and camp!
Not be a psychological experiment!
Because matters can only be worse,
I will explain with this last verse:
worst bit of this, I'm confessin'
they only had Italian, no ranch dressin'.
Crimbopalooza 2020: The Necks Chapter 2: You Know I Had to Do It to Em Edition
Winner: Spileckalicious, 414 points
Princess Akephale inclined her neck gracefully, subvocalizing a subsonic hum as the high priest lowered the ceremonial necklace at her public coronation. The secret frequency, only producible by royalty, would cause the sacred gems to fluoresce, luminous and beautiful.
Such was the expectation, and so the crowd stirred in shocked horror when the jewels settled across her collarbones, dim, unlit. Confusion turned to rage as the priest’s hand slipped into his robe; she wrestled the emerging dagger from his grip, turning it upon him as she ripped off the falsified gems, loyal subjects surging forth, clashing against the usurping clergy.
Summerpalooza 2021: Giant Robotpalooza
Winner: CheeseyPickle, 281 points
Target identified.
Analyzing target...
Defensive capabilities: weak
Offensive capabilities: weak
Population density: dense
Beginning attack.
Threat spotted.
Type: Aircraft
Model: Columbidae
Engaging anti-air turrets...
Aircraft eliminated.
No damage taken.
Advancing...
Threat spotted.
Type: Fortification
Model: Wall
Material: Glass
Firing missiles...
Target destroyed.
Minor damage taken.
Advancing...
Threat spotted.
Type: Troops
Amount: 14
Equipment: None
Engaging suppressing fire...
Enemies fled.
Threat neutralized.
Advancing...
Enemy leader identified.
Scanning for hidden weapons...
0 found.
Scanning facial expression...
Emotion identified: Confusion.
Attempting to engage in diplomacy...
Outputting audio: "HELLO THERE HUMAN, SURRENDER NOW OR ELSE."
Audio input received.
Parsing...
"Sir, this is a Wendy's."
Crimbopalooza 2021: It Ain't That Scary
Winner: snarl, 212 points
Tale told in haiku
(Warning of shocking reveal):
The Lumberjack's Scare
The lumberjack strolled
home late one dark evening
through Clearcut Meadows
From rickety shack
a keening song: 'When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
Doomed soul, he entered
dim domicile. 'When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
The eerie refrain
echoes down hall. 'When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
Across creaky floor
closed door tempting: 'When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
A lavatory!
Echoes from loo: 'When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
Three ants on floating
turd are singing: ''When the log
rolls over we'll die.'
Summerpalooza 2022: Kickstart Me!
Winner: Chadomancer, 235 points
Introducing the brand new funeral craze that's sweeping the nation: One Last Fling! We will take your earthly remains, condense them down into a biodegradable ball roughly the size of a cannonball, and fling them from a trebuchet towards the designated target zone! Now your loved ones can have the satisfaction of sending you off in high flying style. Choose from different options like: The Garden Starter, The Fishy Feast, The Smoke Bomb, or the Streaming Screamer! Don't let your celebration of life be boring. Make it fun for everyone! With One Last Fling! The last ride of your life!
Crimbopalooza 2022: Office AUpalooza
Winner: Chica Bandida, 210 points
"Listen here, you self-important 'adventurer,' just because the 'esteemed' Council is happy with your work doesn't mean that I am!"
...
"What? Who am I?! WHO AM I?! I'm the office clerk who has to work for those fools! Do you have ANY idea how many item descriptions they make me come up with every single day? It's not like they write themselves, you know! And YOU. YOU'RE the one who's always discovering new things for them to-"
...
"You brought ANOTHER one? You know what? I quit! How's this for an item description?"
You acquire an item: Lament of the Scribe
Summerpalooza 2023: Shadowing over Loathing
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 317 points
*ring*
Bloodshot eyes stared at the ringing device upon the wall.
*ring*
It should not sound! It is not connected!
*ring*
A cold feeling spread through her as her hand moved towards the receiver.
*ring*
Room growing darker! Shadows moving in!
*ring*
"Stop it!" Her words echoed off the increasingly claustrophobic walls.
*ring*
"Stop it." This time whispered in a croaked voice, her hand grasped onto the reciever.
*ring*
She pulled the receiver from the cradle, brought it to her ear. A voice, hers, choked with fear: "H-hello?"
"Hello. This a collect call of 'Cthulhu.' Do you accept the charges?"
Crimbopalooza 2023: Crimbo Lore: Behind the Mists
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 305 points
'Twas the week after Crimbo
Trainbot's attack fresh
Elves lay scattered akimbo
with torn-apart flesh.
"These parts! Such waste!" Tammy decried
"Instead of leaving them dead,
I'll make them alive!
That arm! A brain? In head!"
"Electricty! Thread!
I'll sew them back again.
Lighting from clouds shed:
Restarting hearts then!"
"I'll make tireless robots
designed elven bodies!
Who'll tie perfect bowknots
and know the naughty!"
Auntie gently took her
to special padded cells.
They had a special nook, her
home between noelles.
Tammy whispered, in limbo,
when they turned off the light
"Merry Crimbo to all!
Have a good night!"
Summerpalooza 2024: Big Box Summerpalooza 2024 - Coming to a Theater Near You!
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 236 points
I see you on this lift, sir,
your a movie executive.
I have this screenplay, see.
It is one you won't believe!
It contains drama, plenty of adventure!
A song number with dancing asparagus'!
Plus there's many another thing,
of which you'd never guess!
There's a Sorceress, she's naughty,
She's as sexy and evil as can be!
There is a brave hero! Of the people!
She is mighty, stealthy and magicky!
I have the script, it is all ready!
It'd really make a great toilet read!
So... shall we start shooting Tuesday?
Please, please, buy it! This I do plead!
Crimbopalooza 2024: Loathing Sports
Winner: KoL Miners Daughter, 312 points
It was a beautiful day at field,
camaraderie the council tried to build.
A game between orcettes and stonettes.
Boys gathered and placed bets.
Football: a game not well known,
was the ball ran? Kicked? Thrown?
This was meant to replace war?
Is that what they thought sports are for?
A broken nail, a cry: "Slut!"
A chill harshed by kick of butt.
Soon the game was a brawl!
Every player forgot the ball.
The game stopped with the fight,
the referee ran off in fright!
From a game of teams: a battle
which took out the island, and Seattle.
Summerpalooza 2025: The Life of a Dinsey Adult
Winner: Alesthos, 398 points
"In piles of junk, I make my bed,
With plastic bags to rest my head.
I ride the Stench Express with glee,
Laughing as flocks of seagulls flee.
Life is grand in Dinseyland,
Between the rats and flies I stand.
Even though... wait, something's amiss, my destiny can't be just this!
Here I stand in line, ignored,
Only my rats to call me lord.
Dinseyland's filth is my buffet,
Gilded with flies, I'll have my way.
Waiting, scheming, clutching bags,
One day they'll bow to my trash-rags!
My turn to board the Stench Express,
Ascension nears...
Name? Take a guess."
Crimbopalooza 2025: A Voyage to the Sun
Winner: Anaeri, 340 points
They told us to stop the sun. Easy; just reason with a god mid-death. Our ship trembles as dawn cracks, yolk-bright and boiling. Someone prays; another laughs. The captain lights a Crimbo candle, as if wax could outshine a star. We move closer, our hull peeling like burnt paper. I see wings in the light; angels or ash, I can't tell. We launch the net. For a moment, the world holds its breath, listening. Then the sky screams, and all the light turns inside out. I think we were never meant to win. Maybe we were just meant to witness.
No comments:
Post a Comment