A. doublejesus - 150 points - 10th
A legend unknown I assure you it's true about love nobody knew. Jarlsberg looked into the eyes of Sneaky Pete and saw an attraction no beer golem could defeat. But one day when Jarlsberg came home, he saw his beloved was not alone. The history books will remember the feud, but not the cause of such legendary traction. To his surprise, what a shock, Boris and Clancy were partaking in some three way action. They tried to make it work, but Pete is selfish and Boris a jerk. That's how these things come to an end. Clancy's though! Bloody legend!
B. Chadomancer - 80 points - 21st
What was supposed to be a routine mission was quickly turning into anything but. First, I was attacked by random creatures that certainly should have been handled beforehand by the ship's defensive mechs, and then getting caught in the crossfire when said mechs finally started doing their job. Next, another group of passengers jumped me because I was apparently "part of their side quest." But the very last straw was when the cook announced that the ship's store of bacon had gone "missing". Smoldering with rage, I turned a withering eye on the benighted captain and spat, "Your ship sucks!"
C. Virgil_S - 263 points - 3rd
The gummi turtle stared into the abyss. How long had it been? His miserable existence spent behind a chair. Left alone for what seemed like forever, bored with nothing to do.
Soft delicate footsteps reached his ears. A turtle tamer, radiating confidence and beauty. She called out to him, flustered when she realized that he was just a gummi turtle. But he was so much more than that now, as he was lifted into her arms. He was now free. Secure. Safe. He had meaning, a purpose.
The hero shoved him into her mouth, and continued forth with her adventure.
D. Vecingettorix - 117 points - 16th
Was ever there a story of more woe, than that of Hermione and her shipped Romeo?
The curs suggest Hermione to Harry, and not Hermione and Ron to marry.
“What rot!” I cried, for surely in the madness sense had died.
A love; five books in making, the piss; I felt sure these cretins taking.
No match better to forego. “What next?”, “Surely Luna and Draco!”
These vile crimes on fictions door, such Weebs and Potterheads I abhor.
Why not leave love good and well? Away, back to dark hovels whence you dwell!
Hermione and Ron. Fin. End of. Done!
E. deadleeplatapus - 149 points - 12th
"Your ship sucks..." Rachel looks over at Stacy with a befuddled look. "What the hell are you talking about?" Stacy flipped her hair and rambled, "Well, you see, like, when you, like, said that you hope Margaret and, like, Ronnie get together? Like, it would be better if, like Margaret and Phyllis would hook up and..." The stream of incoherent words was cut off by the resonating slap as it connected to her face. Rachel slowly enunciated each word, "Don't ever use 'shipping' in any way that is not related to boats or products being moved. Hear me?" Stacy nodded.
F. Stormwolfenstein - 127 points - 15th
This is it. You've had enough disgusting pirates and drunken frat boys on this god forsaken island. Fighting off crabs for some nasty, grimy booty was one thing, but your latest task took the proverbial urine cake. You trudge onto the barnacle encrusted F'c'le and find Cap'm Caronch busy bringing a fine shine to the ship's cannon balls. "You're gross and your ship sucks!" You yell at Caronch, tossing him his slimy wooden dentures. "Aye," said the old seadog staring lovingly at the ship's soiled figurehead as he continued to polish the F'c'le's balls, "and that's why I love her."
G. HatredIsLife - 102 points - 20th
Online dating was common on the Internet. The problem is that PEOPLE DON'T KNOW each other!
One time, there was this teenager, who was dating his crush. Her profile pic was so beautiful.
He lived in Beachside City, in his house with his mom. He usually stayed in his room, playing on his computer.
When the day came, he told his crush the exact location of his house.
His crush stopped talking. Suddenly, the door to his room burst open and came in his mom, red.
"So it was you who I was dating all these months!?" yelled HIS MOM.
H. LordGrape - 164 points - 8th
The day that Mom Sea Monkee and Dad Sea Monkee met was known in history as a day of love. As Mom swam by, her crazed, dark eyes searching the ocean, she looked upon Dad Sea Monkee, and gazed into his dark eyes, seeing nothing but the abyss echoing back at her. As she lost herself in space, she leaned in for a kiss, and Dad returned, sending them spiraling into the depths of the sea, where even those gosh darn dolphin thieves couldn't reach them. They turned slowly in the dark depths, together forever, until the end of time.
I. Trueturtle - 184 points - 6th
He had argued in defense of those who leaned on the big and beautiful spectrum passionately. He had heard the names others labeled those who were outside the norm of conventional attractiveness and felt the anger boil in his blood.
Determined in this resolve, he defeated all challenges, pushed Frank aside and began his ascent of the tower. He didn't have to climb far to reach his beloved.
As the door on the second floor closed behind him however, he realized The Wall of Meat hadn't been a nickname after all.
But, he loved her just the same. Did she?
J. gANeLoN - 150 points - 11th
A man sits at his computer. He stares at his screen. Looking for anything more stimulating than his current job. Suddenly a message appears. A story contest! He loves to write. Perhaps this is his chance to show the word what he can do! He follows that lays out the rules. ‘Your Ship Sucks’ is the theme. Based on the context of the rules he must write about a ship or a shipping event of some sort. His heart sinks and falls back into his chair. Realizing he does not know what to write, he stares at his computer screen.
K. Dance_dance - 136 points - 14th
The scene; your average starbucks at mid morning slump. The angle of the sun through the window, a piercing glare of light, sets the fine blonde cafe au lait's swirl of sin ( a decadent toasted macaroon sauce drizzle) to best advantage.
Nearby, on the counter behind the cash register and adjacent to the tip jar, lies a cellophane wrapped biscotti. Rock hard, studded with tart dried cranberries, candied orange zest and drizzled with dark chocolate. The biscotti was on his last day, at midnight he would be past his best-by date...
Keep trying, don't stop hoping. We're rooting for you.
L. I has a club - 117 points - 17th
No one could have predicted it was shipping that would kickstart armageddon. Not the ocean transportation kind, but fanfiction. It started out harmless enough, but soon people were making awful ships just to outdo each other. Shipping mortal enemies, shipping inanimate objects, shipping diseases. It was around this time that Facebook - in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate their dying brand - launched an advanced AI that promised a new era in social media. The perfect outlet: free of fake news, free of bias. Instead, the AI learned hatred and disgust after it was itself poorly shipped, and our fate was sealed.
M. Rudy McTudy - 106 points - 18th
He’d been putting it off for too long. He couldn’t wait any longer. His tiny stick-heart beat furiously in his stick-chest as he made his way to the stick-folding-table. The Adventurer cleared his throat to announce his arrival. He was met with a nod and made his way up the stairs, heart racing with a cocktail of cardio, nerves, and an as yet undiagnosed heart defect. He saw the door ahead of him and took a moment to compose himself. He reached out and opened the door. A voice echoed around the chamber “the Naughty Sorceress will see you now”.
N. JXQZ - 142 points - 13th
The Doc worked hard in his travelling medicine show, mixing his oils and potions to bide the time. For a hawker of snake oil, he had a reputation in the kingdom for a variety of invigorating products that actually did what they advertised. On this day, his "favorite customer" dropped by again. She was a sexy gal, her pigtails and lipstick always making him hot under the collar. She gave him a big kiss and a piece of paper. He read it and remarked, "This guy? You want me to botch his meds again?"
She gave him a naughty smile.
O. TheSilhouette - 266 points - 2nd
Upon the highest tower, many cower, the naughty sorceress of power was in the shower. She gasped, "faster!", behold her plower was Ed and his undying ... erection, a terrifying ... connection. How did this happen? you happen to ask. Well to start they started friends, then like two ship-shaped sheeps, they are shipped with a script; someone started to strip, so suddenly, the other "slipped". Unyeildingly unsheathing his "fat staff". First, a wall of "skin" then a wall of "meat", she felt it entirely, the wall of boning, something her electric boner could not. Swish and flick then schlick and fwap.
'Dude, your ship is literal trash.' I snorted.
'One, 'dude' is for frats. Two, you built this ramshackle mess. If it sinks ... The Filthy Hippy raised an eyebrow teasingly, and my cheeks heated. All the dirt and grime on earth couldn't conceal his wit and attractiveness, and it was hard to not be hyperaware of his warm body next to mine on this solo voyage to nowhere.
Taking a deep breath, I looked into his eyes and asked pseudo-confidently. 'And you're willing to sink into my arms?'
Without hesitation, he leaned in close, breath tickling my neck, and whispered: 'Anytime.'
Q. Aeshma - 270 points - 1st
The council had had enough. Having seen the crowds gather at the desert beach, destined for Kokomo, they chartered a private ship to the Frigid Northlands. But...
Soon after boarding the ship, the council were surrounded by seamen, and were forced to sleep on the poopdeck. They wanted to steal the ship's dinghy to escape, but they knew they'd have to walk the plank. Even worse, the fourth council member found some barnacles on his hull…
One night, out of nowhere, the Hermit approached the council and tossed one disassembled clover to each of them, “There’s no luck in hell.”
R. Phantax - 198 points - 4th
From the wreckage of sunken ships springs opportunity. Mary Sue knew this, so she watched intently as the official couple was lost to the waters of bad writing. They clawed desperately at the sky, but it was for naught- Soon their heads disappeared beneath the waves. Sue decided it was time, and dove into the water to drag the protagonist to shore. After some time, our hero awoke. Panicked, he searched the area for his one true partner. But all was forgotten after Sue kissed him. She smiled. The hero- thus, the story- was hers, and it would be perfect.
S. Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker - 183 points - 7th
The Naughty Sorceress gazed deeply into Fernswarthy's skull and sighed. Why couldn't he have corresponded to her feelings? She had waited until she had graduated from Magic College, feared and powerful, but by then, he was already dead, a victim of his own pride and devices. Suddenly, her reminiscing was interrupted by a slamming door. A bony, ragged figure showed up, glaring and blaring. It was Ed the Undying. 'SO, I hear your naughtiness has a thing for BONY dudes? What coincidence! I got plenty of love to give! UNDYING love!'. He was upon her in seconds. Their lips met.
T. Granite_Grizz - 162 points - 9th
This was to be her introduction to the world and, mostly, to the wealthy that would look up to her. Her success was guaranteed by the various people who had spent years working on her upbringing. However, she hadn't expected to find an inexplicable attraction on her maiden voyage. Though her guardian had forcefully tried to dissuade her from rushing forward, a powerful force from within pushed her into the forbidden embrace of her cold lover. Her very body began to scream as her virgin flesh was separated by the icy body of the glacier, but The Titanic was content.
The Detective Skull was drawn to the Mysterious Island irresistibly, some half-remembered fragment of his childhood memories kept secretly in his mind palace, behind a grotty velvet curtain that he only dare peep behind in the deep quiet of night when he was alone, so desperately alone. He felt a bony hand cupping his jawbone, and he turned to see the Spooky Pirate Skeleton gazing down at him. If either of them had breath it would have been coming in hot, ragged gulps. "Open my sunken chest," the SPS moaned, "you are the only one who knows how. Oh yeeessssss!"
V. dividen by none - 185 points - 5th
Ed gazed at The Unkillable Skeleton, staring lovingly at his orifices where his eyes should be. The skeleton shuffled closer, sniffing the lovely fragrance of Ed's salted, decaying flesh. "I can't stand it any longer," he moaned, "I just have to kiss you." "then do it," Ed replied, "I've been waiting all eternity for you to say that." He and the skeleton leaned towards each other, passionately smooching each other in an act that could only be described as "dead people kissing." A stray Turtle Tamer walked past the crypt, viewing their "smooching," and cringed in expression of abject horror.
12 points:
5.
Virgil_S - Stormwolfenstein, I has a club, Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker, Feedingnow, The Jury
4.
dividen by none - LordGrape, Rudy McTudy, Axenor, Fart Scauce
2.
doublejesus - gANeLoN, dividen by none
Vecingettorix - DemiGum, Roderick the Unmarried
Stormwolfenstein - Chadomancer, hahihejcd
LordGrape - JXQZ, The Dashing Protagonist
Dance_Dance - CATATTACK123, Costanzafaust
I has a club - Granite_Grizz, GuGuMonster8
JXQZ - deadleeplatapus, Aeshma
1.
deadleeplatapus - Dance_Dance
HatredIsLife - lulupoh1
Rudy McTudy - Vecingettorix
Aeshma - Mr lemon
Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker - TheSilhouette
Granite_Grizz - Phantax
Axenor - TrueTurtle
Non-qualifiers:
Semi-final 1:
Mr lemon - 52 points, 11 poll votes - 9th
This shipping is a romance between "100" and "words"
A romance so bare, it seems picked clean by the birds.
What have they in common? Both nouns and not verbs?
surely there's more to binding loves fleur?
Yet neither have eyes, they can't see that blur
So Words did fidget for the romance of digits
And 100's heart soared for the words' amore
rhyming is hard for words love eludes me
were I hundred no doubt it's it would be easy as a floozy
good thing effort for shitposts and troll ships is spread worse than shots from an uzi
The_mighty_Fusili - 50 points, 0 poll votes - 11th
She couldn't find the way anymore. The usual route led to nowhere now. No sniffing or adjusting her little mouseears was helpful.
She was stuck.
It must've been weeks since she last saw sunlight.
She wouldn't die of thirst. There was a little stream dripping through a wall. Also food was plenty there, some beef jerky in stone boxes.
The rats know their secrets too.
The rats...
They are after her. Trying to get her everytime.
But she found shelter.
Inside a lonely, sorrowfull singing head, lying on the ground. Since she comes back everytime, the singing lost much sorrow.
DemiGum - 47 points, 5 poll votes - 13th
Duke Starkiller stalked closer to Captain Kirkard, his eyes blazing with desire and want, as he stalked over to the starship captain. "My handsome, clever beloved, whatever made you think that you could escape me?"
"I... I wasn't fleeing from you, Duke! I told you, that my first duty is to my ship, and her crew." Kirkard sputtered, turning away from the other, arms folded across his burly chest as a russet blush spread across his stubbled chin, cerulean-amber orbs looking anywhere but at Starkiller.
Starkiller chuckled as he trapped the other in an embrace "Darling, you won't escape me~!"
Fart Scauce - 35 points, 7 poll votes - 14th
KoL was new and needed practical bots so sellbot was created. Players soon got greedy and generic items wasn't enough. This was when mallbot emerged, to quench players’ greed. Their similar functions caused rivalry. They competed constantly when one day, sellbot fell into mallbot’s nonexistent arms and said -hic- and mallbot replied -meh-. The two fell in love. They expressed their love through many -hic-s and -meh-s, KoL noticed and gave the bots freedom, until KoL realized they needed the bots and was too lazy the make more. Their love can be seen in chat today, but no one cares.
The Dashing Protagonist - 29 points, 10 poll votes - 15th
Sometimes, word escape a fan as they look on in horror, disgust and something similar to wondering what the heck went wrong, as a fan of The Aquabats! I find the ship of any band member with another quite disturbing, especially with the lore and fact that the band markets itself with a family friendly image, there have been times when I have to skirt gently on the internet with my students when I try and bring up Aquabats! music because shippers often times write some rather perverse things in the comments of videos, but wholesome entertainment isn’t the place!
lulupoh1 - 24 points, 3 poll votes - 16th
"haha lmao [insert ship] sucks", some hater posts on his account. I turn to look at my fully stocked ammo of canon material and twenty four pages of meta. "Excuse me?" I raise my hand timidly. "I have an objection." "Oh?" The prick says contemptuously. "Please continue." I smirk, lightning crackling and thunder rumbling in the distance. I draw myself up to my full height, eyes glowing, and bellow, "First of all, keep your vitriol to yourself and stop poisoning the fandom with your hate. I could take you down right here, right now, but I'd rather coexist in peace."
Roderick the Unmarried - 22 points, 12 poll votes - 17th
The original ship was Brangelina, which I don’t even have to spell correctly because google KNOWS because of people caring about this nonsense. Is this supposed to be PC? Oh well. Combining names is stupid, and should die a horrible death like the abbreviation trend hopefully did. Who cares who is with whom or who you think should be. The truth is we are all one human family. We are all astronauts in the void hurtling through the cosmos together. All praise the time cube. I have learned four dimensional time and so will you I have foreseen it already.
12 points:
3.
Phantax - Rudy McTudy, Granite_Grizz, Fart Scauce
2.
Rudy McTudy - gANeLoN, Vecingettorix
Chadomancer - Lesbian_Syphilitic_Spanker, deadleeplatapus
Vecingettorix - DemiGum, Mr lemon
HatredIsLife - lulupoh1, LordGrape
1.
Roderick the Unmarried - The Dashing Protagonist
gANeLoN - Phantax
Granite_Grizz - Chadomancer
the_mighty_Fusili - Roderick the Unmarried
Fart Scauce - the_mighty_Fusili
Semi-final 2:
ChaosKey - 50 points, 6 poll votes - 9th
As the fallen archfiend fell, the two were together again. The Pastamancer, and the heavy-duty bendy straw were together at last. There love was forbidden, discouraged even. A sauceror had recently cursed their love, preferring pledging love to abilities rather than his items. From the moment the sauceror had achieved level 6, he'd been enamored with his soul bubble. He'd blow a soul bubble in every fight, and the two were unstoppable. When the Pastamancer opened up his Kmail, he read the angry note saying, 'Your love sucks!' Enraged, the Pastamancer quickly typed back, 'Oh yeah? Well your love blows.'
Costanzafaust - 50 points, 9 poll votes - 10th
This is a grisly sort of tale about a type of person, who doesn’t meet up to other people’s standards. Terrence and myself arrived at the ferry terminal and boarded the vessel. When the other passengers arrived, we had to steady ourselves to keep from going overboard. You see, there were Bremelo. We were alarmed when they glanced in our direction. We attempted to flee out of concern for the safety of the ship. In a nutshell, they were portly, and prone to go to war shortly, and headed for Bremerton, where the pounds were found. Those people, were Bremelo.
WaffleWizard101 - 47 points, 3 poll votes, 12th
The cold finally got to me. I passed out. I woke up and it appeared that some time has passed. We were somewhere with tall, thin mountains. Most importantly, the sun was out. It was warm outside. The snow seemed to be melting and was almost completely gone. The strangest thing was how I had the strength to stand, walk, and ride my steed again. It must have had to do with the mysterious matching necklace that she wore when I found her but all that was important was that I was alive and could continue on with my adventure.
Feedingnow - 31 points, 6 poll votes - 13th
'Hello, honey; adventurer again?'
'Yeah. Disenchant!'
'Marge, stop dropping me in holes: it gets boring after awhile.'
'Levitate! Sorry; that was meant for an adventurer. Little clods. Could I have a kiss?'
'Most certainly, my dear. So how was your day?'
'Ralphie, you know it's the same everyday: monster replenishing, fighting, the usual. I wouldn't dream of boring you with it. How was your day then?'
'Just looking at the Monorail. You won't believe what those people will build when I'm not here.'
'But if you go down, we'll be ruined...how about I smite it instead?
'Yeah. Another kiss?'
'Certainly.'
CATATTACK123 - 20 points, 8 poll votes - 15th
I was once on a cruise which looked real nice on the traveling brochure, put in real life it looked horrible. It had peeling paint and a bunch of stuff like that. The bathroom had literal *^$% all over it and on the walls. But moving on, once it started its 2 day journey, the smallest waves knocked everything down. At one point my parents were drinking some wine together on this "romantic" cruise, and a tiny wave caused the wine to spill on the floor. I have so much more, but to rap this up, this cruise was *^$%.
GuGuMonster8 - 9 points, 5 poll votes - 16th
There was once a ship that was owned by some dude. The ship was very bad and all the passengers were sad. One day, the ship was going to the ocean and then it sunk because it was bad. The people on the ship swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam and swam. The passengers finally got back on the ship and they lived happily ever after.
-End-
12 points:
5.
Virgil_S - ChaosKey, TrueTurtle, Feedingnow, Aeshma, I has a club
2.
dividen by none - Axenor, JXQZ
Stormwolfenstein - hahihejcd, dividen by none
Aeshma - GuGuMonster8, TheSilhouette
1.
Costanzafaust - CATATTACK123
hahihejcd - Stormwolfenstein
I has a club - Dance_Dance
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