A. Mister Saturday Afternoon - 212 pts - 5th
Twas the save point before battle, When I expected to be out,
Surely a healer would be needed, Without even a doubt.
But we went forth, without even a care,
And for the upcoming boss, I was sure to be there.
Fighter was ready, armored up and resigned
While visions of fire danced through Wiz's mind
And Thief in his brig'dine, and I with my bow
Were wond'ring ourselves just how this would go
When after the fight there were none left saved
We respawned as usual, a change much craved
But I'm stuck in this party, the player depraved
B. KoL Miners Daughter 224 - 346 pts - 1st
It was Crimbo Eve and there was a lot of cheer,
but my boyfriend Drake had drank too much beer.
And he was looking around this snowy night
thinking maybe, just maybe, a fight?
Oh, not the guy with the three handed sword!
Is Drake really that bored?
With the red cap and the fluffy white ball
this is not a good opponent, at all!
So thus I must leave, before the building falls
maybe I'll just tell him nature calls?
Since Drake is a dragon and his breath is alight
so he won't be happy without a Crimbo knight.
C. Seilyth - 137 pts - 13th
Blur of lights invade my sight, laughter echoes through my ears. The noise around me feels so distant yet so close, I stumble blindly, a cool breeze slaps my face. I gasp for much needed air, I drop to my knees. When I open my eyes again I see my reflection, my stomach churns and I let it all out, I see people swimming away, laughter, screaming. My reflection is hidden among chunks of half-digested food. A familiar warmth and scent wraps around me as I feel myself being pulled up and helped into a car “Let’s go home bud.”
D. thatlittleredheadedgirl - 148 pts - 11th
I sit in the corner…waiting. People mill around me, all speaking English but…the words sound foreign. The circumstances of this party worry me; why did I come to this Crimbopalooza party anyways? The host is a distant acquaintance of a friend, and I know nobody there. I drift off into my own thoughts, losing all sense of time and space. “I have arrived to rescue you from this social hell,” a familiar voice states. I clear my head of the daydreams and look up. The smiling face of my friend Goose meets me as we walk into the evening stars.
E. Rick Tyger - 109 pts - 16th
Why did I agree to accompany my wife to this party? I don’t know these people. It’s too loud in here. Are they staring at me? What if they try to talk to me? What if they get mad that I don’t drink? What if one of them tries hitting on my wife? What if one of them tries hitting on me? What if they have knives, or guns? Not good. I’d rather leave than have to hurt them. Where’s my wife? Oh, there she is. Sorry, dear. I just can’t do this. We’re going home. Run for the door.
F. Lord President - 220 pts - 4th
I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Some spooky cat lady asked me if that rag smelled like "catnip"... I woke up in this strange place. There's a festive mood around me... Are those conga rats with fruit hats? What kind of lemon party is this? But wait, what if this is some sort of wicked Safari ritual where people get turned into party animals? The door appears to be locked from outside with a tangle of rat tails. There's no escape, but I refuse to be converted. Let me out of here right meow!
G. Lucelle Ball - 91 pts - 18th
You might think it's a laugh for every house to look identical but next time give better directions. I'm at this other party where everyone is just the slightest bit creepy. One person is staring at me with what she must think is lust but it's more like drooling bewilderment. Another old geezer has got me mixed up with somebody else and proceeds to tell me lewd stories in the form of limericks. I quickly devise a cunning escape plan so that I can get to my true destination. Therefore, it's with great satisfaction that I leap out this window.
H. Cratmanghetti - 89 pts - 19th
Pearl, the coolest gal in Loathing, insisted that I come to this "Crimbo Party." Why did I agree to this? After we arrived, she immediately got caught up in pissing off dudes and flirting with girls. Now, I’m alone, surrounded by raging partygoers. The music is so loud, I wish my ears would just rot off. I decide that I’ve had enough when some drunk stumbles over and drools all over my bandages. Does anyone realize how hard it is to find bandages like these nowadays? Screw this party. I'm going back to my pyramid. At least there, it's quiet.
I. blockhead77 - 80 pts - 22nd
I don't want to be here.
This party is dull,
That's probably why the turnout is small.
I wish to leave
Others may wish I stay
they'll have to live with dismay.
As I leave
I am confronted by Steve
"Hey what's the rush?"
I tell him to quit making a fuss
To make my escape
I dash into the back yard,
nearly tripping on a rake,
but when I think I'm in the clear
I find myself staring,
at a deer
When I finally leave,
Much worse for wear
I look as if I was mauled by a bear.
J. Rgarz1 - 143 pts - 12th
How did I get here, I was just looking for the bathroom! I swear I couldn’t have taken a wrong turn down this hallway? oh no that’s not right, yup seems I ended up in some surprise party again. This time in the closet? I always tell my roommates I don’t like celebrating birthdays, especially when they packed everyone inside of this small cramped closet. I know they just want me to have a good time so I try to enjoy it. Oh no everyone’s staring at me again I wish they stopped. Wait are these skeletons in the closet?
K. MystroMan - 155 pts - 10th
A normal party, they said it would be. It was everything but. It started off normal, but it quickly digressed. For one thing, everyone was wearing robes. And there was a weird table. they forced me onto it, and I screamed. I quickly ran, but the second I left the house, I was seemingly teleported back in. I tried to fight. They quickly overwhelmed me. Then they got me back on the table. One said "Uncle will be proud," and suddenly, I realized what they were. The cult of Crimbo. Don Pygoscelis's right, Crimbo's not gonna be Jolly this year.
L. idk anything - 211 pts - 6th
Once upon a midnight cheery, while I listened, bored and weary,
To a trite fan theory related to comic book movie lore.
While I nodded, nearly napping, DMX on speakers rapping,
About drugs, game and trapping, I started towards the door.
"I have to go now," I muttered, heading out the party door.
"Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly, I remember, it was in the bleak December;
As I walked out to the car I forgot my coat upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From a party surcease of sorrow... nevermore.
M. heroic Kol player - 81 pts - 21st
Dan WAS my friend and had dragged me into a party as a plus 1. He had convinced me there would be no alcohol (I can’t handle the stuff) and that I would have a great time. As it turns out “beer doesn’t count” and he totally didn’t need to bring a friend to get into the party. After I found out I had had enough of Dan’s crap. At this point Dan can go hug a cactus with everyone else at the party. The door never looked so good and neither did the bus pulling up to the stop.
N. Tobyous - 269 pts - 3rd
"G lad to be here, Mark"
E nticing offer, coming to the party
T hough my expectations flopped
M ark said there'd be friends
E ven though none of them are
O ver by the stove,
U nfazed, guys are smoking weed,
T he smell of it, damn ghastly
O ne of them's offered me some
F uck, I want to stay sober
T his is not what Christmas is for
H eck, I could be with family
I 'm getting out of here;
S o help me god, I'm leaving
P low through a room of drunks,
A iming for the door,
R ight past a hall of trash,
T o freedom, I go!
Y ou're out, Toby.
O. Judalin - 186 pts - 7th
Four months sober. Four months sober.
I had to come to this reunion so my parents could pretend they’re perfect in front of the rich side of the family.
Four months sober.
Four months since I hurt my wife. She stayed with me, but I had to stop.
Four months sober.
But drinking is what my family does. It’s tradition.
My dad presses a bottle of Jameson into my hand and winks.
My heart thuds so loudly.
No.
No.
No.
I tell my wife we need to leave.
I tell my wife I love her.
Four months, one day sober.
P. Azrezazel - 82 pts - 20th
The party starts. I've put on a 'cool kid's' act for the last few years, and I regret it. The parties are horrible. I only was 'cool' because in school, it was essential to survive. But the parties were horrible. All the cool kids are tied up, vomiting, in comas, thanks to the booze. Everyone's partying like nothing’s wrong, and yet everything is completely wrong. It is painful being here. I bolt to the nearest opening. Window? Sufficient. I leap out and blot to the streets below. But everyone looks at me, when they can’t see what’s happening to themselves.
Q: Big_Shoe22 The Invincible - 109 pts -15th
Uncle Buck promised Tortellinis the Pastamancer and his friends lots of Uncle Bucks as party favors if they to his party. As they went inside the shack, The door slammed behind them, and there was Uncle Buck. “Hey kids!! Welcome to the TICKLE PARTY!!”, Uncle Buck then pressed a button and activated his cloning machine, and countless Tickle-me Emilios swarmed out of it and attacked the group of friends. Tortellinis cowered away as his friends got tickled alive to death by Uncle Buck and his Emilios. With no escape possible, Tortellinis only survived by ascending at the last possible moment.
R: Dreaduccine Afraido - 99 pts - 17th
There's music and the smell of beer clings to the walls. There's something I need to get outta this party. I can't leave without it, but nobody can see me in the crowd of rambunctious partygoers. I float around the edges of the dance floor and try to get a drink to seem more approachable, but can't get my hands on one. I feel so lonely despite the crowd; my business goes unfinished. Everyone looks right through me. This purgatory I'm in is unbearable. At this point, it just seems impossible for a ghost to get met at a party
S: Lincoln Home - 132 pts - 14th
A drunk, unemployed gnob goblin arrives to the Typical Tavern's Crimbopalooza party. Beer goggles equipped, he buys margaritas for a werecougar and says "Let's get more personal." Suddenly, a skeleton stops his drinking and rushes them. They hide in a broom closet but the skeleton busts in and grabs the woman. Upset, the goblin sits at the bar next to a 7-foot dwarf that says, "Desperate I understand, but you didn’t have to try to romance the beer-soaked mop." Removing the beer goggles, he sees the "werecougar" was in fact a mop. The embarrassed goblin sneaks out of the party.
T: eaSy Money - 179 pts - 8th
Sitting in a corner sipping tea
My only friend is a Crimbo tree
Neverending Party is quite nice
But invitation ain't min-price
Home, home, home! I wanna go...
Home, home, home! I wanna go...
Strangers all around me, -hic- -hic- -hic-
To get outta here, gotta be quick
"Anyone wanna fight me?" Tammy calls
I simply just don't have the balls
Eavesdropping conversations isn't lit
Carols some are singing aren't well writ
Home, home, home! I wanna go...
Home, home, home! I wanna go...
Strangers all around me, -hic- -hic- -hic-
Made it out the front door, that was slick
U: RedSasami - 160 pts - 9th
An Introverts Guide to: Escaping Social Gatherings. Always remember! 1) Smile: If you’re not smiling you’re not having fun making YOU a potential group focus. 2) Keep it Full: Always have a cup with some liquid in it! An empty cup prompts ridicule and psychopaths who test concoctions on the unwitting. 3) Keep Your Phone Charged: This is just a good idea AND you can pretend to check a text which prompts you to “make a call” that requires quiet and privacy. The perfect opportunity to casually walk down the sidewalk and GTFO. Enjoy being someone who goes to parties!
V: Sacez - 300 pts - 2nd
There once was an adventurous lad
Who was as mad as a hat-ter
Saving Kingdoms was his job
Dragged to The Club
With an eye slightly sloppy
The lad was always as drunk as a lark
No more punch was served to him
But a punch he did throw
And started a fight in the Copperhead
The lad hated the Club
But he wanted a punch
And Shen would pay for it
Sneaked out the back
A desperate Shen
Pursued by the furious lad
He never caught Shen
But he did leave the Club
And stumbled into a Neverending Party!
Non-qualifiers (ranked by entrant score):
Semi-final 1:
ChunkyGnocchi - 60 pts - 9th
Sensitive was he:
(His very whiff was clarity to the feast--scones, cakes, pies, roasts--
Every laugh remembered; every vibration felt, every step analyzed,
and attempted escape from.
But he can't... yet.
So he moved, around and against a wall, and again, and again. He squeaked, softer than softly, almost panicking, searching, moving--
A little girl caught a gift tipping, yelping softly at the gentle thud, the box's flaps parting, revealing a bundle of paper streamers, and a tiny pup.
--ah, exit. The party inside was a feast to sense, but he'd rather not stay.
Maybe this would be better.)
efot - 59 pts - 10th
We used to be the party of fiscal responsibility. We used to be the party of free trade. We used to be the party of family values. We used to favor keeping Russia in check. Our leaders were serious. Now the deficit is skyrocketing. We support tariffs that hurt ourselves. We are fine with a thrice married, twice divorced man covering up his dalliance with a porn star...while we separate families at the border and put kids in cages. We are making Russia great again. Our leader is a clown. We are a circus. Get me outta this party!
The_Dragon - 49 pts - 11th
I can see through the window this party will suck. Eggnog, carols, and a bunch of drunk idiots. Not my scene. Christmas just seems like an excuse for people to eat too much food and beg for stuff without feeling guilty these days. Maybe I'm a grinch.
"Hey! It's good to see you!" says someone I barely recognize. Did I meet him at last years event? I look around quickly for an escape and fail.
"Uh...hey....?" I say grasping for a name, but luckily he is quickly distracted. Thank God. This isn't the first time I wished IRL had "/gofuckyourself".
SoggyDoggy - 35 pts - 14th
A merry Crimbo was heard
As was the reindeer herd,
Stampeding and elf-eating and wine
'Am airy bimbo,' said drunkard-one
'Like holy cheese, mine Curd.'
Impeding in my pantogram, fine.'
Some goof with balls played
In pool with a spade,
Tonight is a shovel night!
With sound like Hey Deze
I grabbed my car keys
And muttered, 'this is shite!'
Unlike the stoners before myself
I turned to stone, blue
First taking a small card
From my shelf, clip art
And I whine, whine, whine
Replace my mark of retard
Resting on the ground I,
In a bout, play Roundabout.
LewisMCYouTube - 15 pts - 15th
onse upon a time there was a boy who lived in a small town where he was invited to the annual party of the year. he went to the party and there was a person there who was very rude to the boy and; so the boy said he wants to leave. he wented to the party maker and he said that he was very happy with the party and he was happy that it existed but he felt a bit ill and sleepy so he wanted to leave. and so he leafted and had sleep at home. the end
Semi-final 2:
Brocktoon - 54 pts - 9th
A wise philosopher once told us that there “ain’t no party like a west coast party ‘cause a west coast party don’t stop.” Friends, I’ve been to exactly one party on the west coast and, that was more than enough. My friend hadn’t been in school all week, and then my mom announced I was going to a party at his house. Everyone was going for games, food, and chicken pox. Wait, I hadn’t had chicken pox! I didn’t want chicken pox! I yelled for someone to please get me outta this party, but all I got was a rash.
Tango Rose - 45 pts - 10th
Why am I here!? I’ve been faking coolness for at least a year now. Got to the yearly Crimbopalooza party. But I don’t belong here. This place is a mess. At least three members of the “popular” frat are unconscious, duct-taped upside down to the wall. The place looks like it could be turned into a calendar shoot like the ones in the clan rooms. I think I’m the only one who isn’t wasted on drugs and alcohol. I’ve just been standing around with an empty cup. This place is a mess. I need to leave. …Am I hearing sirens?
Abelzumi - 40 pts -11th
More pale faces are turning towards me, some of them upside down. The organ grates against my ears as the talking dies down. It’s too risky to reach for the stake hidden behind my polyester cape. I know where the doors are and I can sense figures swooping down to block them. Plastic numbs my gums.
I'd cast the spell correctly. I know the scents by heart. But it’s not enough. The count scrapes the red line running down his chin and smirks. He swirls his glass and asks me again.
“C’mon, Abelzumi,” he says, “why don’t you smile more?”
TaPol - 36 pts - 15th
My chances of finding Jimbo are slim. Between the enormous number of people here and the immense size of this place, I'm sure I could be searching for hours and never find him. Ewww. Gross. I'm glad it's too dark to see what I just stepped in, but it momentarily made my foot slide sideways as though I was slipping on ice, yet was soft and squishy like, urgh, I hate to think. Whoa.... What is this place? It's a hidden sanctuary of some kind. Dim lighting, cold drinks, jazz music.... No way...VR KoL. I ..... "TaPol..... TaPol...... wake up."
A1 Steak Sauce - 30 pts - 15th
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of parties, it was the age of naps, it was the epoch of beer, it was the epoch of oxygenarianism, it was the season of Exploathing, it was the season of Crimbo, it was the spring of kegstands, it was the winter of party fouls, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going to Valhalla, we were all going the other way — in short, the party was so far unappealing, and I wanted to leave, so I did.
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