Saturday, January 9, 2021

Crimbopalooza 2020 Stories and Results


A. Pyacide - 146 pts - 11th

God looked in shock and terror. “Is this really what you want, Contest Holder?”
"Contest Holder" didn’t respond, but the smirk gave it away. God said: “Alas, we have a deal.”

8 Billion people screamed in unison, or they would have, if they still had throats. 8 Billion spinal cords started signaling immense pain, but there was no brain on the receiving end. 8 Billion Litres of blood spilled just in the first few seconds, and 8 billion fleshbags fell to the floor.

"Contest Holder" laughed at the now headless world. “You know I had to do it to ‘em.”

B. Discounter - 238 pts - 6th

‘Twas the night before Crimbo, when all through the kingdom
Not a creature was stirring, for they were all his victims
The windpipes were open; the necks were now bare,
For the one and only Headless Horseman was there;

The children were all right, for they noticed no trouble,
Their breathing was steady though their top parts were stubble
And mamma slept soundly, not one sign of panickin’,
She still hadn’t noticed that Dad looked like a mannequin,

Oh, what a surprise they’ll all have when they wake up from bed
To find that their bodies no longer have heads!

C. Spileckalicious - 414 pts - 1st

Princess Akephale inclined her neck gracefully, subvocalizing a subsonic hum as the high priest lowered the ceremonial necklace at her public coronation. The secret frequency, only producible by royalty, would cause the sacred gems to fluoresce, luminous and beautiful.

Such was the expectation, and so the crowd stirred in shocked horror when the jewels settled across her collarbones, dim, unlit. Confusion turned to rage as the priest’s hand slipped into his robe; she wrestled the emerging dagger from his grip, turning it upon him as she ripped off the falsified gems, loyal subjects surging forth, clashing against the usurping clergy.

D. TheMalcolite - 255 pts - 3rd

He comes,
riding through town on a fog-lit night,
mounted on a feral beast
eyes wide to see your doom,
nostrils flared to suck you away,
unnatural rictus smile,
teeth for days, shoulders burdened,
he rides
passing through in the dead of night,
seeking empty necks to fill
hair, longer then anything natural,
trailing behind to entangle the innocent,
and ears,
to catch, to hear the hiding,
no ordinary mortal can hope to measure up,
for he is head and shoulders above the rest,
for he will always win by a nose
all who live fear
the headed horseman

E. Plehq - 41 pts - 24th

of all the PI agencies in the world, she had to walk into mine.

it took a good 40 seconds for me to deduce any of that, but the lady had a problem. seems her neck trasmitter got stolen, and she couldn't hear no more. well, i poured a bit of scotch down my neck hole and got to work. she couldnt describe his face, nor his voice, and frankly i dont know why i even asked. neither of those exist anymore. anyways, i hope this letter finds you well, and may your neck be clean and hollow. -necks mcgee.

F. tallinnislit - 90 pts - 16th

The year had been good to the Headoffs this year, unlike their neighbors the Nonoggins or even the Uncraniums. For weeks now, visions of sugarplums had done the funky chicken in their necks. What had the Crimbo elves brought them this year? Mother and Father Headoff watched the children tear at the wrapping paper and pop open the boxes. They all peered down to see inside. “Are these what I think they are?” asked Timmy. “They sure look like it!” replied Eleanor, with excitement. It was the toy all the children wanted but few could afford: Mr. and Mrs. Potatolimbs.

G. mAfIA4liFE - 70 pts - 22nd

I was just drinking my daily coffe until i hear a knock on my door...Mr Tar you in there? Ah yes come in what is it? Mr. Tar you need to check this out oh where are my manners my name is jon, Jon Kittle. Ah yes open the door good to see you Wow Mr. Jon what happened to you? What i saw from my point of view was a man with no eyes, no mouth, and no ears. His neck was very long indeed! Mr Jon said for now i want you to call me Jon the Headless!!!

H. Unimportant - 248 - 4th

In history, there are the sorts
who rise up, upset the courts!
One such place, rather small
sees its leaders often fall!
A riot, a revolt, a revolution!
To the French, a fine solution!
They hack, they slash!
They boil, they blister!
They have all sorts,
for missus or mister!
Put in a dungeon, throw away the key!
So many gruesome methods you'll see!
But there lies one left in the dust,
Foolish machine filled with rust!
That one method never seen,
Not now, not then, not in-between;
That would be... the guillotine!
(How can one lose what's never been?)

I. ballare - 170 pts - 8th

Round about the cauldron go;
In, the press'd tunic throw.
Vest, garment sutured and sewn,
Hem and buttons, thirty-one,
Tailored garment, threaded knot,
Boil thou first in the charmed pot.

Double, double stitch and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Bobbin of the bias tape,
O'er the cauldron droop and drape;
Woolly hat that we might wear,
Were not our shoulders quite so bare...

In final measure to our broth:
Raw-spun yarn and silken cloth.
Finely brew'd clothier potions,
Wicker basket, knacks, and notions.

We've made it-- the head arises from crude burlap.
Swiftly: go and fetch that baseball cap!

J. Altonicu - 71 pts - 21st

The mages knew full well what was coming, well aHead of the Cataclysm. In their twisted, bathroom humor, knowing that heads would disappear,
they knew the perfect place to put the sensory implements of their successors . . .

The asshats have no need for heads. In the Cataclysm 1,000 years ago, all heads suddenly disappeared. All of the sensory implements of their heads were put onto the victims’ buttocks. The eyes were right above the cheeks, the cheeks were, well, cheeks, the mouth was a quite literal crack. And the nose, oh nose! I simply am too terrified to speak of it!

K. frisco kid - 304 pts - 2nd

It was midwinter in the year 1330, the coldest in living memory, and I was journeying through the mountains.

I knew the signs of a blizzard, but I was young and neck-strong, and I pressed on. It wasn’t until the snow had gotten higher than my boots that I decided to find shelter. That’s when I heard sounds that no hands could make, and turned to see a creature that all men feared.

I began trembling for I'd read the stories. A creature who’s fat neck was a foot tall and held its eyes and ears and… mouth.

The Bigneck.

L. Lucelle Ball - 84 pts - 17th

The ground is so thick with poisonous gas that humanity had to evolve longer necks and new ways to sense their surroundings. At the apex of their neck is a serious of rings used to communicate with each other and to navigate without injury lest these rings become exposed to the gas. The male and female show their affection by kissing which is done by lining up their neck rings. This is also how they procreate. When a baby is born, the male and female must grab the baby round the neck with their necks and stand the baby upright.

M. KoL Miners Daughter - 148 pts - 10th

People all around, they pointed at me.
More to the point, they pointed to that thing.
The one where my eyes were placed to see
Instead of in the chest, you know, like everybody.
But none of this, NONE OF THIS, did I take as mean.

For as then some person finally did come aroun'
And the comments were not as seen.
"She has use for pillows of down.
And a place upon where to put a crown."
So when all was said, and all the chips were down:
In the land of the headless, the one-headed chicky was queen!

N. blockhead77 - 49 pts - 23rd

Being alone with your thoughts is a terrible thing, yet that is what every creature on planet XC-72 did. There were no arguments, polite conversation, lectures. Some humans, if you can call them that, knew how to play the piano, or another instrument. But why applaud? When everyone on the planet can understand you, why bother creating art? After all the internet had made nearly all communication was through text anyway. No need for sign language. If you visit planet XC-72, you'll find a myriad of creatures, most of which have lost their mind, and all of them their heads...

O. Le_Chuck - 243 pts - 5th

Occasionally they appeared in cave paintings, but conventional wisdom said they were just myths. Lumpy shapes with hair flowing from the top, two ovals straddling a triangle, and a sinister curve below. Standing in the dark ruins, the thick air threatening to crush him, his heart raced. As the excavation team pried open the sarcophagus, he looked on cautiously. Shadows danced across the mummy while torchlight revealed a grotesque mass hanging from the neck. Suddenly, a shriek.


He awoke, heart pounding, wishing the nightmares would stop after this next dig, knowing they wouldn’t.

P. OhMyJosh - 81 82 pts - 19th

Everyone waved signs that said, “boo” and “loser” as Ed turned over his badge. They were being rude since he failed to catch “Joe” – the round-necked bandit who borrowed FIVE nuclear launch codes and never returned them – basically dooming everyone to a horrific death.

Tired of the rudeness, Ed snapped, “Stupid heads”.

Necks swiveled in confusion since, “where was that sound coming from?”, and, “what are ‘heads?’”. Their eyes widened with fear as Ed pulled out his head and FIVE big red buttons. “Adios muchachos”…

His secret all along? Joe quint-ower is Ed (and probably went over yours too)


Q. WonkerBonker - 81 pts - 20th

In a far off land, distant if you will, lived a very ugly mage. He hated how everyone called him ugly, so he turned everyone's head into a neck with eyes and ears. Soon everyone noticed this change (About 1-10 seconds later) and started panicking. After this went on for about an afternoon, they decided to kill the mage (he was the only normal guy) before they all died of dehydration. The man they sent, Cars the Lyberian, after killing his minions, bust in and killed him . That still didn't break the curse and everyone died of dehydration shortly after.

R. IronHarpoon - 129 pts - 13th

When the apocalypse struck, you probably know what happened.

“Everybody run!
The witches have come!
For your lives, and your wives, and your rum!”

A man was caught
And he bravely fought
But then his head was naught! 

It was chaos
At least it wasn’t as bad as the layoffs
But still, much worse than the dreaded cough! 

It was like the mafia all over again
Screaming, yelling, shrieking men!
And worst of all,
worst of all,
They couldn't drink their freaking GIN!!! 

And that, my boy,
Is why we’re all now headless,
Like chickens.
And worst of all,

S. AwesomeHenryDude - 187 pts - 7th

Grandpa told me a tale around the fireplace.

`You might have seen the old photos. Our kind had something we called heads. Flesh, tendons, brains, oral holes. It was well and good, until the Emperor made a mistake. He had an old crone, a hag executed for witchcraft. Before the Executioner's axe swung, she cackled. "Today I curse you and your kind, starting from your first born son, babies will be born but they will not have what you are taking away from me!"
'How do you know this Grandpa?' I gestured
"I was that son of the foolish Emperor."

T. Thirty Eight Tiny Violins - 145 pts -12th

She started to nod her head, then stopped. Was that rude? She stared at the neck. She assumed the neck stared back.
“I’ll just go ahead and-“, No, that’s no good.
“Lovely cloud cover overhead- “, argh!
“You have beautiful clavicles” she tried desperately.
She blinked at the placard that came out.
<Thank you.>
<Presumptuous of you to assume we share bone structure with Headed.>
Oh no. She stared at the card. She messed up. This would haunt her at nights for the rest of her- fwip.
<Just messing with you. Think less, air that head out. Relax.>

U. Brocktoon - 111 pts - 15th

Scanning the calendar, Plonk couldn’t believe it was winter again. This year was supposed to be different; this year everything was finally going to go according to plan. Thinking back, it wasn’t a bad year. Sure, like every year, there were things that didn’t pan out, but there were some great moments. There was the new puppy, and the time he saw that minor celebrity walking down the street. One thing that bothered Plonk was that he was really behind in his work. Well, that’s the thing about living on planet Decapitus. It’s just really tough to get a head.

V. Bed Tundy - 84 pts - 17th

The thing about this mythical thing called 'heads' (Whatever that schmuck who came up with the Headed Horseman waaaaay back in 1820) was that they made things so complicated. The guy talked about having to 'open your mouths' and 'chew food' and 'blink your eyes'. Ugh. The thought of it sends a shiver down my spine.

Had food? Just plop it down your throat! Needed to see something? Just turn your neck! Seriously, why did people have to make things so complicated? And why was that stupid book growing so popular?! Heads don't exist, people! Just get over it already!

W. Grentz - 150 pts - 9th

"The punishment for your flagitious crimes is punishable by public execution!" The portly king sputtered to the quintuple of crooks adorned with a burlap bag draped over their topmost.

The cavalcade of culprits wailed, crying out;
"Whatever I've done to deserve this, I didn't do it!"
"You'll hear from my representative!"
"I don't know what flagitious means!"
The king turned a deaf ear to the soon living - impaired, crossing a fat finger around his neck, signaling to his portlier executioner.
The blade collapsed unsatisfyingly into air and burlap.
"Oh, right. I forgot." The king dryly exclaimed.

X. Fxfghbg - 114 pts - 14th

I have no regrets. You know I had to do it to Em.

She was better than me in every way. Long eyelashes, silky locks, a perfectly petite nose. Isn't it only natural? That I’d feel slightly jealous? That my slight jealousy would inspire my search for arcane tomes to even the odds, just a little? That I would find a perfectly suitable spell, one that would remove both of our heads (in the spirit of equality)? That I, a novice wizard, would accidentally cast this spell on everyone, and not just Emily and me?

Hey, we’re all human, right?

Semi-Final 1

Macaronispoon - 65 pts - 9th

After marathoning documentaries, I fell asleep to the octopus’ anatomy. I dreamt about my brain spread across my body, sensing without centralizing. I fumbled towards the bathroom and to my astonishment, could not locate my head. Realizing I was dreaming, I wanted to experiment. Thinking of octopus, I pondered severed limbs. With reckless abandon I severed my arm but passed out from pain. Hazily I remembered the octopus; its limbs bringing prey to the body independently. I awoke to my arm flailing. Turning it over I saw my own head looking back at me, in horror, in my own hand.

Arbiter_24 - 59 pts - 10th

Albaster Blane gently nudged the broken and dirty cabbages again, It was his first day as a beat cop in Miami. He'd finally made it to detective, yet here he was looking into a smash and grab of a vegetable cart."What do we got?" Albaster asked the pudgy beat cop. "Yeah, Mrs. Turrington said their was three of them, fast and quick, they came running around the corner, guns and sacks of money in hand, accidental really" he grumbled. Albaster stood up and spoke confidently while slipping on sunglasses "But in this town, any crime and well....heads are gonna roll."

Tourmie - 58 pts - 11th

The headless man returned from work to the apartment that he considered home and closed the door behind him. His abode was musty and in the kitchen, dishes were piling up in the sink. They were covered in crusty grime and emitting an odor that smelled so bad, it could kill. He laid down on the dusty bed riddled with stains, still in his work outfit. Somewhere on his neck, tears trickled down, and a muffled sobbing noise was made. He covered the area where the tears came out of, and cried the night away.

My Little Pony - 36 pts - 13th

Some say deep in the forests of old there lives the lost souls of those who have passed. They wander aimlessly in search of that which will complete them. These entities, though with no head, seem to be able to see and communicate like normal. Don't look at them though for one glance and you will be filled with a sorrow so immense it has driven people to give up on life. Some say that once they find their purpose then they may return to the realm they belong. Till then the howls of their torment fill the night air.

Lolguyrando - 32 pts - 14th

Once there was an adventurer named Guyrando, he wielded the legendary item know as the neck-lace, a long whip with carvings all the way to the neck. One day, he met a man named Larry Inks, he told him that there was a man threatening his power, so Guyrando went to fight him. He then fought the dead heads, some weird lihc gang that prooved it was a trap. Unfortunately, he was powerless against so many lihcs, and they trapped him in a pipe, where he would die of hunger (how???) and be remembered as the eckmaster for several hours.

InsomniAxeMurderer - 30 pts - 15th

Today was finally here. The newest version of my favorite game comes out today, which promised hundreds more interactions than any previous incarnation. The object of the original game was fairly straightforward: create minor impediments for your opponents which will slow their turn, and continue until they’re stalled into inaction. The new game gave countless new activities to interfere with, including work tasks, household chores, and even complicating their relationships. I wrapped my scarf around the top of my neck and headed out to the mailbox to pick up Nuisance: “You Know I Had to Do it to ‘Em” edition.

Semi-Final 2

SutDumf38 - 54 pts - 9th

With a sickening glee, He will devour our world.

Before, the creature was just like any other. Four appendages protruding from its body, and a wriggling, horrid neck. But evil, planted by the Headed Ones, corrupted its mind. It suddenly yearned to kill, to satisfy its endless bloodlust, and so the creature opened its neck, preparing to wreak havoc on our world. On dark nights, you can hear souls screaming as they’re ripped from their owners, sucked into the gaping hole of the monster’s 'mouth'.

“You know I had to do it to ’em,” He whispers. Every time He eats.

Chrystabel - 46 pts - 11th

Agreement. Determination.

Her hand pointed. Direction.

They marched. Footsteps.

Emily could not conceive with what means, and to what end, the novice wizard had put upon the world this curse (to a select few, a blessing). But no magic this powerful was cast without a trace.


They pressed on. Emily hesitated but for a moment, but no longer would her face give it away. Doubt and rational thought gave way to anger.

She raised her makeshift weapon, and thrust it in the air toward the dwelling that was now before them.

The crowd understood. Their grips tightened.

Agreement. Determination.

Drbanjo - 42 pts - 12th

"Off with his neck!" cried the Queen. A heavy thud, a motionless corpse. The crowd murmured uneasily and went back to their homes, back to their lives.
A light drizzle fell from the heavy gray sky. Holton put on his tie with the utmost care, taking time to feel the cloth slip through his fingers , appreciating its
softess. There wasn't much softess since the Queen had come, only cold and gray.
It was dark now, the cold rain stung Holton's skin as it touched him. He crept through the window and drew his blade. The Queen fell, warm, red, silent.

lolz934 - 33 pts - 13th

After hearing the words, the older man stood up.

"Is it true?".

"I'm afraid so".

"What will become of us, reduced to nothing more than the piece of flesh above our shoulders?".

The young man sat down.

"Is there anything we can do to prevent it?".

"I suppose nothing more than accept our fate. Farewell, sir, and may we meet again in Hell.".

The man leaned back to finish his whiskey, but the drink fell not in his mouth, but on his neck. He would’ve screamed had he a mouth, but the cry was silenced, and the man was dead.

hleghe - 29 pts - 15th

after countless hours crossing the desert, two adventurers spot a tunnel's entrance between the dunes. the warrior went to alert his companion, but the leader was already twitching with anticipation, dashing towards their mark.
after a moment of hesitation, the warrior follows, entering a small room filled with four limbed statues, each topped with a strange oval.
a pedestal lies in the centre, holding a ornate scarf. once the leader goes to take it, both adventurers hear a great rumble, awakening the statues to attack. the duo quickly escape, each wondering what secrets this tomb holds, and the constructs' origin.

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