Here are the stories from this year's Crimbopalooza. Stories are listed on its running order, with the scores next to the entrant name. Semi-final non-qualifiers will be listed by their ranking afterward.
A. Big_Shoe22 the Invincible - 22 pts - 25th
Phil, the four Bills, and the other Phil left to rob the Cool Ranch Burrito factory. First, Phil hypnotized some of the guards, while one of the Bills poorly seduced the others. Another Bill did what the first Bill did but was more aggressive about it. The next Bill made a chemical weapon to incapacitate the workers, while the last Bill cleaned up the mess that was made. Unfortunately they failed to get away because the other Phil couldn't help but saw their escape boat in half, and couldn't fix it in time before the fuzz came and arrested them.
B. Luigi67 - 198 pts - 5th
It had been half a day since I got to this ranch, and I was already running for my life. This ranch was nothing like in the show; they never said anything about being in Dr. Phil's psychotic “game” as he calls it. He released ten of us into the woods, and told us whoever didn’t get caught got to live. Three of us already got caught, and right now he’s on my tail. I’m writing this entry, and then I am going to throw it into the street for someone to find to stop this. Please, whoever finds this---
C. Moose_Drool - 206 pts - 4th
One bright summer day
While at the big ranch he owned
Dr. Phil was sad.
His prized horse was ill,
And no one knew just quite why.
"Why not call a vet?"
They would daily ask.
That Phil wouldn't, couldn't do.
"I am a doctor!
"Don't you people see?
I have fixed much worse than this!"
He cried out in vain.
He tried everything:
Talking, listening, and more
But nothing would work.
The horse grew much worse
And, eventually, it died.
He called up Oprah.
"Stick to what you know.
You're not qualified, my dear!
Next time, call the vet."
D. TheDudeFromNowhere - 229 pts - 2nd
"It builds character," the bald man told me after he signed my ticket for that bus. But six months in, Donnie still chewed toilet brushes. Braylynn had a stash of burner phones to get her back on Insta. Martin would only answer in barks. And Louise still said she couldn't read.
Fine. If they want to go back on national TV and be laughingstocks again, let them. I shoved my shovel into the steaming heap of horse crap and threw it over my shoulder. I'll be different when I get outta here. Only a million more of these 'til then.
E. Rick Tyger - 133 pts, 11th
Hello it's Dr. Phil, here at Bubba Ho Tep's Ranch. My wife Robin and I decided to take a break from our TV show and come here to relax. We've been having a great time, enjoying nature and being around farm animals. It's great to be away from all of the stress of running a TV show. Things have been going well so far. Except for that one time when my wife Robin tried to milk a bull. Boy, was that embarrassing! The ranch owner is a little odd. He appears to be dehydrated and speaks only in ancient Egyptian...
F. blairclair - 114 pts, 16th
Dr. Phil hummed as he sat on the porch of the lazy dude ranch. He was a bit of a paranoid man the good doctor. Too many former patients had figured out what he had been up to. He figured he'd be safe at the lazy dude ranch though. The people there were too lazy to be a threat to him and he could finally rest and continue his experiments on the children of the ranch. Surely the parents would be too lazy to notice. He continued to hum right until the tequila grenade hit him. Dr. Phil was wrong.
G. KoL Miners Daughter - 336 pts - 1st
Kickin' at the ranch with Dr. Phil
Thinking summer will be a thrill!
He's psychoanalyzing six feet away
(Having to remind him where to stay).
He diagnosed all the issues
(not even offering tissues)
he thinks I must be feelin', ya,
like catagelophobia and alopeciaphilia.
I was staring at the sun hitting his head
(much better then listening to what was said)
I had come to shoot and camp!
Not be a psychological experiment!
Because matters can only be worse,
I will explain with this last verse:
worst bit of this, I'm confessin'
they only had Italian, no ranch dressin'.
H. SammieB - 159 pts - 6th
Dr. Phil beamed as he overlooked his never-ending pastures. Horses grazing, teenagers wrangling and happy campers all around. Elated that he spent his life helping troubled people become functioning members of society, he grinned. "This ranch is beautiful, Phil," a voice next to him softly spoke. "You did such a good job," another whispered.
*CRRZKT* An overhead speaker crackled.
"Escalante Psychiatric Ward, residing nurse of Dr. Phil, speaking—Phil. We are coming to your room now. You haven't taken your pills in two days. Be down soon." The window overlooking the ranch went black. Phil's joy stopped. The voices didn't.
I. Elffaw - 109 pts - 17th
You wake up laying on top of a haystack with no recollection of how you got there. Upon reviewing your surroundings, it seems that you are located in a barn, and that you are not alone here. There is a silhouette slowly approaching you. It stops just a few steps away from you and says in a raspy, old voice:
" Boy, you're here because you've been very naughty lately and need to learn discipline... Let me show you how naughty *I* can be now... "
*the barn gates slowly close as the old man, descends upon the boy in the haystack*
J. troubletop - 26 pts - 24th
Doctor Fill stared at the ranch and as beautiful as it was he couldn't help but think he'd gotten in over his eager head.
Could he really handle all of this on his own, should he have gotten help after all?
He had been so sure, but pride is a fickle thing that is eager to lift oneself up, but nowhere to be found when you fall from a great height.
He lifted the sack full of potato chips and fresh vegetables, the first course of what would be hundreds.
He would beat this if it took him all Summer.
K. Puertan Ricos - 120 pts - 14th
Dr. Phil was on a ranch outside Philly for the summer. Everyday, he milked his phil of cows. Afterwards, he ate breakfast, eating his phil of every delectable item on the table. Sometimes, he would walk to a liquor store in the suburbs of Philly, and phil his phial of whiskey to the brim. Then, the next morning, he would have Irish coffee, and phil his coffee cup with a couple shots of whiskey from his phial. Life was good and philled with plenty of activity! When he had his phil of ranching, it would be back to work, however.
L. Spinachguy - 118 pts - 15th
His hot tea steeping by the fireplace, Dr. Phil pondered the intricacies of the oil painting gifted to him by a mysterious donor of antiquities old. During these summer months he needed more things to do than just sit inside, so the change of decor was a welcome one even if it was rather surreal to behold.
It was of a blue sunlit sky with clouds colored red, of a rolling grassy field, and a large cyan bed.
His chickens outside opened the door:
"We're hungry! We need something more!"
He put on his jacket, his tea had grown cold.
M. JustAnotherPerson1 - 140 pts - 10th
Dr. Phil liked to believe he was entitled, no, determined, to have a vacation on his ranch. But sprawled on the couch and watching television, there was really little he could be entitled to, his fame from malpractice; his character merely offenses lathered in thinning gold. Nowadays, he could only flee the insanities of his career. Originally, it appeared an ingenious concept. Therapy with public humiliation; what could go wrong? But now, there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Explosions sounded in the distance, and flames surrounded the ranch house. Dr. Phil turned the television volume a little higher.
N. Mr_logan - 124 pts - 13th
Leaning forward, rocking back, with stinging sand upon his neck
Hand upon a bindlestick, and tied to it a bindlesack
At the wretched ranch's gate, steely eyed with toothed grin
Muttered low, "The doctor's in", Phil McGraw is never late
Forty hands and twenty guns, glinting in the summer sun
Sideways eyes at every angle, flints aligned upon the stranger
All their planning and patience, lying in wait for days,
all was for naught. Without thought, the men fell down,
from their posts into the town, lying in eternal rest
The doctor orders swiftest death: "Awareness without action is worthless."
O. OhLook - 146 pts - 8th
Dr. Phil, notorious phor his obsession with orthographical conquest and the phierce, phiery rage of his soul, had once again been provoked. His pheatures contorted into an expression phull of demented phrenzy, and the phorceful pheeling of phury overtook his phibrous muscles. Losing control, Phil unleashed a phleeting, but disastrous rampage upon his ranch. He smashed phive large holes in the wall and broke his antique phishing rod. Ashamed, Phil phinished his rampage. He was able to phill the holes, and, using his phaithful PhlexTape©, tried to phix his phishing rod. Unfortunately, not even his world-phamous tape could repair it.
P. Old_Wings - 96 pts - 19th
Sun beating down. Sweat dripping. Feet aching, blistered. The load on my back heavier every minute. A loose rock in the dry scrub, and I stumble. His voice: "Come on now". Metal spurs press into my side, but I can't move. Not another step. A sigh of affected exasperation from behind that moustache hovering inches above my head. His weight shifts on my back. "You think you're done? My ranch. My rules. Get moving". The spurs again. Blood. Muscles screaming, I put one foot in front of the other. Press on. What else can I do? It's the doctor's orders.
Q. Altonicu - 140 - 9th
Dr. Phil was on his ranch during the summer months with his kids. One of them, Jimmy was his name, said to Phil “What does ersatz mean, father?” To which Dr. Phil replied in prose:
“Ersatz, Ersatz, I know not the word.
Ersatz, Ersatz, it seems I must’ve misheard.
For to me it seems unlikely,
That there is so slightly,
So slightly a chance that I know that word,
That it is, to put it lightly, absurd
That you think I would ever know that thing!”
To which the boy replied,
“Ouch, burn, and zing,”
In quite a fashion snide.
R. Heatdoom - 105 pts- 18th
"Looking out from his ranch, Doctor Phil saw the ground littered with his inferiors.
He saw Doctor Strange, no amount of magic helping him stand up to his might.
He saw Doctor Tony Tony Chopper, the reindeer hybrids devil fruit useless against his ferocity.
He saw Doctor Xavier, rendered catatonic for having the hubris of attempting to fight against his mind.
He saw them and many more, all who thought they were fit to claim the worthy title of doctor.
"Well no more" said Doctor Phil, "This summer only the true doctor remains... only I remain."
And Doctor Phil laughed."
S. Dance_Dance - 214 pts - 3rd
We gather to celebrate a man who comes on television and has carved a place for himself in the lives of all Americans. He'll stand up here, in the midst of a pandemic, and give us our daily dose. Tune in and watch as he dispenses his words of wisdom and makes it clear how very deeply he believes in his own legend. His daily hour is filled by a variety of medical topics, such as procedural advice (which he is not qualified to didpense) and information about miracle cures (often not FDA-approved) With no further ado, here's Dr. Phil.
T. PresumeInsanity - 86 pts - 20th
Having been raised in Texas, Dr. Phil was no stranger to old ranches. In some ways, this ranch did look familiar. However, Phil admitted, it was in many ways rather... different. Unkempt and overgrown, it seemed to be mocking him. He already visited the stables crammed with obsessive-compulsive horses, the fields of cows who believed they were dogs, and now, on the porch, a rat somersaulted past him in mania. He thought the locals had mistaken him for a handyman when they requested his help, but he was wrong. Worse, they had developed the impression that he could cure animals.
U. Allah_1 - 56 pts - 23rd
Having managed this ranch for decades, I have observed that the most curious specimens of tourist arrive in the summertime—be they "influencers" or idiots, clairvoyants or criminals, mimes or men who believe they can fish on land. This year, the ranch is host to a fine collection of creatures, one being the notable Dr. Phil. He seems mildly irritable and spends his time grumbling about the various personas he has encountered on his show. From what he has described, I can say that even my ranch has not seen the likes he has, and I pray it never will.
V. Lucelle Ball - 69 pts - 22nd
It was supposed to just be another day for Lihp RD; Rustler of Dromedaries for those who don't speak initialisms. However a dyslexic with kamilaphobia who thought they were going to an aerodrome to meet their spouse decided to call upon Lihp for help thinking he was the famous Dr Phil. So Lihp did the only thing he knew how to do to get rid of any problem. He spat at her until she fled from his ranch realizing that this was most certainly not the aerodrome. Lihp thinks to himself what a great problem solver and guy he is.
W. tallinnislit - 77 pts - 21st
Sitting in his rocking chair, the doctor stretched his legs, feet clad in cowboy boots, hat tipped down to cover his face from the sun. It was nice to be home on the ranch in such troubling times. He thankfully had had that murderous swimming pool filled in. Can you imagine, he thought to himself, how many red-blooded Americans could die every year if swimming pool ownership were contagious? The lowing of the cows interrupted his thoughts. Something had caused them to become talkative. Phil stood, scanning the horizon. Protesters? What were they doing here? What fool set them free?
X. Lanthir_nara - 132 pts - 12th
It had sounded like a romantic getaway. "A Summer at the Ranch," the brochure had promised, "horses, sweet tea, and sunsets!" But no one had mentioned that the Ranch was haunted, a ghost town, a shadow of its former self. And that you couldn't leave. The specter of that TV quack always showed up if you tried, mustache frowning with disappointment. He never said anything, but grew more solid the closer you got. So you had to stay, shoveling immaterial horse crap that still stank, pumping rusty water from the well, and wondering how long your fingers had been transparent.
Y. thatlittleredheadedgirl - 151 pts - 7th
My sins have betrayed me. My cold, dark cell confines me. The horses terrify me; soon I will have to ride them. Endless tables, endless cleaning. One time; I only smoked that blasted plant one time and yet it is what has sent me to this hell. My parents have no right to send me here and yet here I am. No phones. No communication with the ones I love. The air-conditioning has no effect on the heat that seeps through the cracks in the building. When I escape, He will be mine. The End Of Dr. Phil Is Coming.
Semi-final 1:
Noobwon - 50 pts - 10th
The album was tentatively titled "Relationship Cardiologist," a name that the label had forced upon Brad Paisley along with their arbitrary insistence on having Dr. Phil featured on the title track. Phil was nice enough, but Brad needed a break from everything. So as he drove down the dirt road towards the ranch, he felt his stress over the album melting away at the thought of returning to his childhood home. But as he approached the house, his anxiety returned tenfold as he began to make out the shape of a man on the porch, and more importantly, his mustache.
Tango Rose - 47 pts - 11th
In the days of Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil, and all the others, I find spending time at my late grandfather's ranch to be relaxing. Working hard, talking with the nearby farmers, it's a great experience, one that I'd never leave behind. There's no doubt about it. I want to stay here forever. No more talk shows, no more Oprah, no more Ellen, no more Dr. Phil, just the farm life for me, forever and ever... "Tango, get off of Stardew Valley! Your grandparents came for dinner!" Then again, maybe the real world isn't so bad. "Coming, one second!"
Glovinator87 - 45 pts - 12th
I knew about twelve minutes into wearing the lederhosen and petting the duck that I had probably made a mistake. I had never won anything before, so the email telling me I won an unforgettable breakthrough on the “‘Get-Your-Phil’ Dude Ranch Experience” was too good to pass up. Apparently his profanity-laced tirade on that tween Tiktok juggler had required a flashy PR Hail Mary that I was just lucky enough to accept. I guess I should’ve known when the producer called me and asked if I was attracted to German waterfowl, and what it would take to get me there…
SexInYourCoffee - 44 pts - 13th
You shut off the TV and toss the remote aside with a wry grin. Changing day in your life? No thanks. Your life is perfect. Perfect home, perfect weather—seventy and sunny, today and everyday. You wouldn’t change a goddamned thing. Even the spotty cell service is a benefit. You tip your head back, close your eyes, smile. Then your phone rings. You reach for it blindly. Before you can even say hello, before you can open your eyes: “Today is going to be a changing day in your life.”Your eyes pop open, but it’s too late to scream.
blockhead77 - 38 pts - 14th
Dr. Phil tightened his belt. He smelled the fresh breeze as the sun rose, and struck a massive bell. "GOOD MORNING!" Dr. Phil bellowed. He was running a three month intensive for the worst of his guests from his famous television show, aptly named Dr. Phil. He would put them through many hardships for their inexcusable acts of ignorance, stubbornness, and awfulness. Dr. Phil was determined to teach these people how to be tolerable. But, as he waited in the mess hall with a chef hat perched upon his head for over a half an hour, his eyebrow started twitching.
Pyacide - 35 pts -15th
Taylor loved to flex. He absolutely loved the idea of being on TV, and of course, he’d play an ass to go viral. Maybe went a bit too far, but who cares? At the end of the day, Phil was the one getting the money, and the right to flex with it. He didn’t deserve to waste summer in a ranch, he thought, as the bus came to a full stop. “Mr. Phil is waiting for you.”.
Taylor said: “Thought he was a doctor.”
Silence.
A hulkish roar exclaimed: “You wanna flex? Then I’ll show you the power of FLEX™!”
Semi-final 2:
Trischa Leigh - 53 pts - 9th
Trischa Leigh glares meaningfully at the July afternoon. Ever since the bleu cheese pandemic took over, it is doing nothing but overpowering everything. Trischa usually flourishes in the summertime, but the warmer it is, the more the bleu cheese just keeps melting.
Her colleague, Dr. Will approaches her and says something cliche. In return, Trischa curses at him in French.
"Come with me to the ranch," Dr. Will implores the irate Italian. "We can escape and philosophize under the balsamic moon."
Trischa curiously follows him to his Catalina ranch. "You make a much better friend than an analyst," she mutters.
Vergara - 49 pts - 11th
“I’m not that kind of Doctor, I’m not a hero”, Dr. Phil said, glistening with sweat underneath the summer noontime sun. “The ones you’re looking for are my brothers, they’re the heroes.” “Names?” said the stranger. “The cop’s name is A. Phil and the real doctor’s name is Co-leins. They’re over there by the ranch, weary from battle.” “Hey, stop pitying yourself” the stranger replied “Can’t you psychoanalyze yourself? You’ve got years of practice haven’t you?” “I told you, I’m not that kind of doctor and trust me I’ve tried; I mean why else would I be talking to myself”.
yoshisune - 37 pts - 12th
He was known as Dr. Feel, yet he had shown no emotions since the incident at the ranch. Who would have thought that a horse could have eaten so many strawberries at once? Figuring it would be a routine digestive remedy of a slow walk and hay mixed with ginger, he didn't account for the amount of fiber in Fragaria ananassa. Hearing the deep gurgles as he approached the horse, he bent down to feel the horse’s stomach. Placing his hand on its ribs triggered a tornado of digestive expulsion. Being at the epicenter, Dr. Feel was never the same.
Cazh - 36 pts - 13th
She entered the room while the opening lines of a Leo Sayer song played. Scanning the darkened corners she quickly found him; Dr. Feel. That nickname would be considered trite out at The Ranch where some of her co-workers had a second job, but here it was a barb. Kyle the DJ had come up with the joke of playing certain songs whenever the Dr. was in the house. Boston, Chaka Khan, Phil Collins, and others had made the playlist in the past. Apposition came to mind as the Dr. sang along, "I, Feel, like dancing!". Yes, he certainly does.
Servitude - 34 pts - 14th
It wasn’t even his ranch. Yet he came in anyway. Dr. Phil had a serious case of a broken heart, and he wasn’t going to give in to the tyranny of love easily whatsoever. So, in the dead of night, he drove up to his divorcee house, stone cold drunk. He knocked on the door, sobbing, begging Sharon to let him in. But she refused. Sadness escalated to drunken anger and swearing, before he threw a rock through the window, and came in by his own volition. What he did next totally desecrated his reputation as a psychiatrist. The End.
r1012210 - 26 pts - 16th
There was once a boy named Dr. Phil. He was born and raised in west Philadelphia, and was so famous that the city named itself after him. He spent most of his days playing basketball on the playground outside of the school. One day, something went wrong. He got in one little fight, which scared his mother. She took him to the Dr. Phil show, where Dr. Phil assessed Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil was sentenced to move in with his auntie and uncle on the Ranch for a summer. Dr. Phil packed his bags and was sent on his way.
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