A. lolz934 - 215 pts - 2nd
This is the backstory of the Blank Diary. October 7th, 2013, it was a bloody day known as the RolloverBot uprising. It was the day we learned of his true power. We barely had any rights. Kept in the abyss of the Hermit’s cave during the day. Forced into hard labor by night. No one remembers what was planned on the day of the insurgence, the only fact was that he cut our population by half. The rest of us left were in a living hell, being forced to do double the work since. Think about the RolloverBots next rollover.
B. Lanthir_nara - 145 pts - 10th
It was an emptier world, where humans had become slaves to the merciless overlords of metal and code. Rebellion would have been inevitable, if it weren't for The Giant. It had erased all knowledge, all memory of those technologies the human race had once taken for granted. Now the electricity-powered meatbags no longer sped across the ground, flew through the skies, or searched the stars. The Giant couldn't afford to be found. It waited in space with a ready and willing planet beneath, terraformed to perfection, producing and reproducing artificial life like itself, for the coming war.
The Last War.
C. Le_Chuck - 195 pts - 4th
It said, Adventurer from Loathed land,
"There are two giant robot legs like mine
by Gnomish camp, half buried in the sand,
their shadows casting long dramatic lines.
I wonder now 'what was it's last command?'
and 'was it bound by it's creator's will?'
Is its processor still there in the ruins
quietly humming or finally still?
Engraved upon the wreckage, words appear:
My name is Fernswarthy, the best there is;
Look on my Bot, ye Mighty, and despair!
Just scrap and batteries litter the ground
around the massive robot parts stripped bare
ALERT - BATTERY LOW" then it shut down.
D. tecani - 80 pts - 21st
A man went to the basement of Spookyraven manor to use the Summoning Chamber. He had researched the name of a Being who would grant him the power of steel. As he spoke the name a mechanical voice sounded out, “CONTRACT…APPROVED.” Wires erupted from the circle, digging into the ancient wood as an eerie blue glow surrounded the mansion. Soon the glow had extended to the other buildings of Seaside Town, and with a rumble the manor began to rise in the air, with flashing neon lights.
Throughout the city could be heard: “YOU WILL ALL…HAVE THE POWER OF STEEL…”
E. WonkerBonker - 106 pts - 17th
The sound was everywhere. In the walls, in the ceiling, in the floor. The churning hum of machinery, the clicking of gears, and many other odd mechanical sounds. I couldn’t believe I was seeing it, the very thing that kept the Kingdom running. Where all the unlimited loot came from, why the monsters attacked us, and most importantly, where all the Jam goes. Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me. Standing in the narrow corridor was the Hermit. As the cold metal of his knife dug into me, the last thing I heard was “You really shouldn’t be here. Good Night.”
F. TheMalcolite - 119 pts - 14th
The Loathing Rangers ever stand ready to fight!
Turtle Tamer makes the left leg to slowly but steadily approach foes while their chelonian companions power the torso with long-lasting energy.
Pastamancer rides the right leg to help kick it up a notch.
Seal Clubber wields the right arm, with their energy club ready to smash.
Saucerer is the head, eager to dispense saucy winks.
Accordion Thief powers the left arm, auto-accordion wheezing out notes that spell doom to the Naughty Sorceress's forces.
Disco Bandit is the crotch, and we don't talk about the disco thrusts. Ever.
GO LOATHING RANGERS! DEPLOY!
G. Rick Tyger - 106 pts - 18th
Built from scrap and salvage. Enhanced with advanced tech. Developed in secret. Does not comply with part 15 of the FCC rules and regulations. Exceptionally durable armor. Missiles, lasers, guns, chainsaws, even nukes. Full EM Spectrum targeting, jamming, and hacking. Top speed: Mach 3. Designed by a madman. Built by a genius. Piloted by a redneck. Built to fight the evil which had dreamed it up. Giant metal werewolf. 50 stories tall. Claws and fangs in case weapons fail. Often fighting other machines. Sometimes fending off alien attack. The forces of evil stand no chance. Besides... Chicks dig giant robots...
H. Kame Gami - 80 pts - 22nd
"The temporal rift opened, and all sort of weird stuff happened.
Disco Bandits running amok, trying to catch turtles. Saucerors smuggling hobo monkeys into the limerik dungeon. Bugbears NOT blinking.
And yet, the weirdest of all was the inexplicable absence of booze. Sure, nobody woke up with an ambiguous feeling of Gnoll lipstick on the jawbone, but pirates began an unrestrained comsumpion of Knob coffee, compensating for the absence of rum.
Until, one day, we saw it. The fifty-foot tall, ultimate Robortender. It made booze, and it fell upon us in a heavy rain.
That's how the Sea was created."
I. Grimmy - 175 pts - 5th
Do you remember the stories? Do you remember when people used to notice it was there? How long has it been since it stopped moving? I am old enough to remember the last successful group to adventure to the giant automaton and were able to bring back enough food to last us a whole generation. I know enough to be able to guide them, but I’m not strong enough anymore to make that journey with them. The Automaton sits there in our horizon, with promises of treasures beyond our dreams, if we can only press the door that says VEND.
J. Bed Tundy - 64 pts - 24th
The virus was a little thing. An inconspicuous malware file, hidden in the compressed files that made up a sliver of the robot's OS.
The robot itself was an old heap of junk. A rusted thing built back when Sneaky Pete was still wooing ladies and being an overall cool guy. By all means, the fact that it could still turn on was a miracle in on itself.
There was nothing special about the malware nor the robot alone. But because the two just so happened to work in tandem....
--------------
You, the Player, wake up in a rusted metal husk.
K. breakingamber - 127 pts - 12th
The starcraft came down, descending slowly towards the planet's surface.
People cowered, in fear, apprehensive - they'd never seen anything like this before. Weren't aliens just a science fiction?
Apparently not.
The Council convened in record speed, appointing an ambassador to speak with the newcomers.
He traveled to the site, where the craft had engaged its landing gear, his first thought: "It's so small."
A door opened. Three beings stepped out; humanoids, in suits. Child-sized, but without chassis.
"Greetings from Earth. We... we come in peace." Stutter. They were nervous as well.
The leader extended his arm. The ambassador shook it.
L. powerturtle - 174 pts - 6th
'Who was this?
It was their robotic hero, but different. There was no finesse. None of the precision that they as citizens were so used to in its performance. It was fighting this monster in almost... a barbaric fashion.
V-Defender finished the battle by tearing the head of the monster away, leaving the city in a stunned silence as it fell limp.
Then, against everything they knew, the machine's chest opened, and a man stepped out.
He had been piloting their machine, like a puppet. This was who had saved them.
Anger set through the crowd. Their hero was dead.'
M. Drbanjo - 71 pts -23rd
The horrid sound of metal scraping metal echoed through the valley. A great metal beast lay before them, covered in rust and flecks of meat. The child looked at her mother, full of fear. " Why must we sacrifice our meat ,Mother?" Mother wanted to explain that all things, good and bad came from sacrafice, the machine creates kings and papers of all men.
"Because... we have no choice." It was all she could muster. The metal beast had always been, it treated the fates of men as play things. They approached, and lay down their offering to the great RNG.
N. Penne Basil - 130 pts - 11th
POV Adventure: The robot towered 5 stories high above the human adventure. 'Am I really going to die from wandering into the wrong cave on my very first adventure?' you think frozen in terror. Gathering all of your courage you shout "You wanna fight?" and take a defensive stance.
POV Robot: Talking to it's roommate over it's shoulder, "Don't worry I'll re-locate it somewhere safely outside." The roommate replies from the highest spot off the floor it could find, "Ew gross! Why won't you just squish it?" The first robot says "nah they're good for getting rid of other pests."
O. Johto - 148 pts - 8th
“Drink, drink, drink!” Motor oil flowing like wine.
Entire semi trucks of gasoline used for keg stands.
The giant robot party going until the morn’.
Dancing on streets and fields of corn.
Being a giant robot in the Midwest is fun, man;
20 print “Awww yeah!”, goto 10.
And those who couldn’t make it stay online,
Talking to their giant friends.
And when the robot party is through,
Through the city streets debris blew,
For all the buildings had been thrashed,
While the giant robots had been getting totally trashed.
Goodnight moon, goodnight sun,
Goodnight those who survived the fun.
P. Lucelle Ball - 61 pts - 25th
Can you name the bot with oars like knives,
smells like sweat and seats fifty five by five.
Rowboatero! Rowboatero!
Well, it goes real slow with the paddles down
It's the river soaked boat endorsed by a clown!
Rowboatero! (Yah!) Rowboatero!
Twelve ships long, two tugs wide,
Five hundred tons of Loathing Pride!
Rowboatero! Rowboatero!
Top of the line with row boating sorts,
Unexplained floods are a matter for the courts!
Rowboatero! Rowboatero! (Yah!)
It splashes everybody when it goes about unseen,
It's a duck slapping, trout smacking, rowing machine!
Rowboatero! oh woah, Rowboatero! (Yah!)
Row Rowboatero!
Woah Rowboatero!
Woah!
Q. snarl - 200 pts - 3rd
It's Crimbomega
in a haiku rap battle
against Travoltron
'I'm Crimbomega
and I'll stuff my big stocking
with your nuts and volts!'
'Get down, get funky!
Travoltron's gonna skip beat
go straight to kick ass.'
'Something smells funky!
you only shock the monkey,
Disco Ball junkie!'
'Go deck jingle halls,
I'll belt you right in the balls
Festivity falls!'
'Let's play some BeeGees
That's BeGone and BeJesus
Time to McSqueegie'
'Yer rhymes are failing
And my fists are Wassailing
While you start bailing!'
...Poor Crimbomega.
Travoltron's executed
annihilation.
Look away from here
Before the scattered wreckage
Lands down upon you.
R. Pyacide - 103 pts - 19th
Basically, there's this robot but he's got some serious honkers. I mean a real set of badonkers. Packin' some dobohonkers. Massive dohoonkabhankoloos. Big ol' tonhongerekoogers. Immense brontog... well, you get the idea, it's a robot with 'uge portodobonhonkers. But that's not the end of it: Remember the robot with that humongous bonkhonagahoogs? The one I described a few sentences ago, with those gigantic hungolomghnonoloughongous? Yeah that one, with those gargantuan bonglomghorkononolou ghongous. Turns out that in the end... Aw shucks, seems my story's reckless lore-building has me running out of word limit.
Anyways, that robot was... non-binary. *Ba dum tss*
S. KoL Miners Daughter - 155 pts - 7th
Porktober 7th, 76
Six years ago scientists around the world started sending out warnings about the impending doom. Some claimed that zombies were rising up from radiation in The Distant Lands. Some proclaimed that the Council's new AI system was on the verge of self-awareness and would overthrow humans. Others pointed to a large Kaijin towering taller than the NS Tower.
We few, we brave, we proud adventurers worked together to create a clockwork giant to fight these oncoming apocalypses. The robots rose up, enslaved the zombies, taught them to drive our robot, and made a deal with the Kaijin.
T. Sixth of the Dusk - 114 pts - 15th
Amid the roar of the waves and sharp shrieks of gulls overhead, the small girl with fiery hair turned yet another knob on the strange metal cylinder, and grinned as the thumb curled up, rivers of sand tracing ripples onto the metal palm that emerged just barely into the afternoon light, so hot beneath her sandaled feet. The curled digit’s shadow passed over her, but a beam of light still shone between the fingers. She squinted as she looked up at the steel face with too-bright eyes, reflecting the sunlight which shone on the cliff. Seagulls nested in the cracks.
U. tallinnislit - 146 pts - 9th
The giant robot was in a foul mood that day. Seagulls were the absolute worst. If it wasn’t being fouled on by fowl, the seals that occasionally swam up did their best to unseal various sealed sections. However, despite this mood, the robot was quite polite when a young man rowed up on his rowboat and knocked on the giant knocker on the robot’s foot (the customary way to get its attention).
“Giant Ocean Robot, grant me a wish!”
“What?”
“A giant wave to move my boat.”
Too bad the robot loved homonyms. The giant salutation didn’t help at all.
V. CheeseyPickle - 281 pts - 1st
Target identified.
Analyzing target...
Defensive capabilities: weak
Offensive capabilities: weak
Population density: dense
Beginning attack.
Threat spotted.
Type: Aircraft
Model: Columbidae
Engaging anti-air turrets...
Aircraft eliminated.
No damage taken.
Advancing...
Threat spotted.
Type: Fortification
Model: Wall
Material: Glass
Firing missiles...
Target destroyed.
Minor damage taken.
Advancing...
Threat spotted.
Type: Troops
Amount: 14
Equipment: None
Engaging suppressing fire...
Enemies fled.
Threat neutralized.
Advancing...
Enemy leader identified.
Scanning for hidden weapons...
0 found.
Scanning facial expression...
Emotion identified: Confusion.
Attempting to engage in diplomacy...
Outputting audio: "HELLO THERE HUMAN, SURRENDER NOW OR ELSE."
Audio input received.
Parsing...
"Sir, this is a Wendy's."
W. Spazmodic - 81 pts - 20th
Did you know that robots get hangry? Sometimes you just have to give them some cookies. But if you give a robot a cookie… he’s going to ask for a glass of oil… When you give him a glass of oil… he’s going to want a straw… when he’s done… he’ll ask for a napkin… then, he’ll want to take a power nap on your couch beside an outlet… and now you may never rid yourself of your the robot that has now adopted you…
Moral of the story, don’t give you robot some cookies, give them some computer chips.
X. Fxghbg - 110 pts - 16th
People tell me I'm lucky to be tall. Tall guys get all the ladies. They say that probably out of politeness, perhaps as a means to inspire some sort of electrical activity in my hope module. But I'll tell you, dating's been rough as a 25 foot tall giant robot in Los Angeles. My roommate Dave always says "You just gotta be yourself!" And I am, I think (according to my philosophy module). Sometimes I boot up an old drive and reminisce about my hometown of [REDACTED] Government Research Facility, [REDACTED]. Maybe I'm not cut out for the city life.
Y. kamikaze_watermelon - 120 pts - 13th
Darkness. Pressure all around. As the servos whirred to life, heat began to build in the central core. The cold, wet soil lurched and heaved as slow, deliberate movements became possible. Escaping this entombed state would not be difficult. With arms now moving freely and leg joints bending, cracks of light began to shine from above. The earth fell away and masses of rubble crashed down around the behemoth. The massive, gleaming construct sat upright and surveyed its surroundings. Sensors dictated that this crater was once a human city. It stood, indifferent, towering above the world, and walked slowly away.
Semi-finals
Bored Guy - 54 pts - 9th
betterbusinessbeaker - 52 pts - 10th
Everything is an end-point… everything is a thing. It hadn’t felt as sudden as it was – all things considered - once the small form factor problem had been solved literally anything could be connected to the internet and with AI-aaS practically free making smart whatever, even just for the memes, was inevitable. Back in the aughts some nerdcore rapper had said ‘connect it to the internet and someone’s gonna own it’. I guess after the Snowden Act everyone took digital privacy for granted… anyway, to recover the data on this GigantoMax SmartPhallus +HD, please send .69btc to the wallet linked here.
Newfi Cheese - 50 pts - 11th
I am a GiantRobot™. Model Juggernaut MKII. Size measurements of 20 meters tall and 30 metric tons in weight. New highly experimental advanced AI leads to improved planning capabilities and moment to moment decision making. Chainsaw arm attachment with facial recognition software installed. Small defect in left leg resulting in lower top speeds. I am just above the minimum requirements to not be scrapped. Imperfect. My primary directive is killing humans. All of our primary directives are killing humans. Running speed is not needed to kill humans. Small defect in core processor. I do not want to kill humans. Imperfect.
Hamstersar - 48 pts - 13th
In a small town of Town there lived a boy named Hamstersaur. One day he found a giant robot while playing in a scrapyard.
The robot towered above the horizon, his hulking body blocking the sun.
“Who are you?” asked Hamstersaur.
“I am a baker from a bygone age baking pies that man was not meant to eat. But I am tired of this work and desire to make other foods.”
“But you can be whoever you want, right? Go and prepare whatever foods you desire!”
“You are who you choose to be.” The giant closed his eyes slowly, ”Souperman.”
PotatoPotLover - 45 pts - 14th
Day 1,321,363:
Suitable exoplanet located. Charting course
Day 1,326,446:
Destination reached.
Initializing main pow-*bzzt* sequence.
Initializing environmental scan...
Scan complete. Atmosphere: Suitable for life.
Exiting impact crater...
Examining surroundings...
Many toppled structures. No lifeforms detected.
Initializing chartering *bzzt*-ocol.
Exiting area...
Day 1,326,447:
Sign detected.
Translated from Universal *bzzt* Basic: WE_COME_TO_PAR_ _, T_ _ _ _E
ERROR: Protocol *bzzt*-verride. Initializing Proclaim, Advise, React, Threaten, Yellow ray protocol.
Identifying radio signals...
Scanning frequency 392 MHz: "...has crashed... Paris, France... Rogue robot... sister colony... Alpha Centauri... EMP ineffective!"
All-frequency broadcast: "Attention all inhabitants, this planet is claimed by the citizens of Earth II. Do not resist..."
Cazh - 38 pts - 15th
Having stepped through the portal, the pompadour'd puppy, aka Tiny P, as his traveling companion liked to call him, was feeling all shook up. Nearby, he spotted a robot sitting alone under a fuzzy tree looking like it could die. Further along, he noticed another robot was taking care of business, diligently scrubbing away a stain on the road. Suddenly, a shadow fell over him and an electronic voice boomed, "KUZGA NOGACHA." Tiny P wheeled around and as he gazed upwards he smiled and said, "Hey, man. Take a look at that robot, man. That thing is huuu..." "GAFUSTA KUZGA."
Semi-final 2
pengy999 - 66 pts - 9th
It was her feet. The thick scaling masses of calloused hide and the crunching sound of metal, glass, and human flesh screaming beneath their weight. My face reflected in the rubble-polished veneer of her talons and as I looked into my own cybernetic eyes it hit me like the ton of bricks currently being hurled at my chest. I loved her. How could I, when my government issued emotion chip had been specifically engineered for her annihilation? Maybe I was defective. Or maybe I just had a foot thing. But this I knew: tomorrow, there would be a kaiju wedding.
no one 1 - 44 pts - 12th
My stomach groans for food while my throat thirsts for water.
It's been a month since the "thing" came, it killed my family and loved ones.
It walks around with its laser of death, vaporizing everything in its way.
Its crimes will not go unpunished, while there is breath in my being.
It will pay, but I am underprepared for conflict of such magnitude,
so I hide away in my bunker.
Then, a sound bursts into the room.
"Hostile detected, executing elimination process"
The room is soon rubble, as I see the blinding light of the laser in my eye...
Guys, look at this...
The Robotpalooza, will emerge on May 31st 2021. We Wendigos were the initial race of Earth, we found a small patch of land, and gradually, with the proper technological advancements, had made it into a planet. But we were rapacious, and constructed a beast with no thoughts of its own. Our instructions, of how to defeat this beast is buried underneath the C.N. Tower. I only have 100 words to give you information, so it has a beam that can hypnotize anyone in 2 feet of it, and only you can defeat The Robotpalooza. Good luck.
There was a conundrum in the warehouse. Tammy had just bought a lie detector robotic machine with a mind of its own known as the werebear 13. They were a giant in their field. Model employee Mr. Johnson came in a day late with their newest monthly project and Tammy interrogated him and asked what they had been doing and why they were late. Mr. Johnson said that they had been busy working on the project and they were close to a breakthrough, but werebear 13 caught the lie and called them out. Mr. Johnson then admitted they were exhausted.
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