Crimbopalooza 2024 Final

A. Funrmunt:

The Intra-Imperial Inquisition is a big maze. Seems simple, right? No. This maze is one-of-a-kind (mostly because we change it every event). The maze is designed to represent all of the kingdom, from fully aquatic sections reminiscent of The Sea to eXtreme icy regions replicating our grand mountains. Contestants will compete individually to escape. But they don't only need to find the door, they also need to discover the shrines within each of the sectors. These shrines contain keys, six of the seven are necessary to escape the maze and become the Champion, before they are left to become obstacles.

B. Soxfan196o:

Two teams got ready as zombies and pirates mounted on their broomsticks in the arena with hopes to capture the Quidditch Cup— Wait this is not Harry Potter and it is the wrong universe. In this whimsical world of the Kingdom of Loathing a different sport emerged: "Meatball Dodgeball."

The teams gathered and at the center of the field was a giant meatball, glistening and radiating a savory aroma that made players' mouths water. The objective was simple: dodge, duck, dip and dive in order to outlast and grab the meatball. Only two teams remained, and this was the final.

C. ThoughtfulScarf:

"Art is sport." the Pretentious Artist demands firmly to Susie, blocking the entrance for entering Loathing's Olympics.

"Sir, the other contestants are waiting, pleas-"

"Art is a sport. What of the athletes of the mind? Those who train their hands, their eyes, their souls to capture light, emotion, form, space on a canvas?"

"Sir pleas-"

"What if painters were all treated like the world-class athletes they are, competing not for medals, but for the acclaim of pushing culture forward in a single brushstroke? The craft of an artist is as much willpower as the muscle of a marathoner."

"Please leave."

D. Zanthia:

And as Abuela dropped the snowflake into the waters of the cove, a Crimbo miracle happened. Never before had the entire water surface around the pirate vessel frozen solid.

As the residents of the Land watched, Abuela pulled a bell rope, and a vast TOLL went out.

Ninja snowman assassins rollerskated from the North, which was a little odd as the skates were on their heads.

And from a gangplank, Obligatory Pirates leapt to the surface, on rollerblades.

Goals appeared at either side, and with a CLANG, a snow covered metal ball dropped from the sky.

ROLLERSNOWBALL season had begun!

E. Sauceror Vitalysis:

I couldn't afford to miss this shot. The Loathing Cup winner was in my hands. if I missed this shot, what would I tell my family at Crimbo? what would they think of me? Sauceror Vitalysis, the top 2 football player, is a disappointment? The stakes were too high. everything moved in slow motion as the last few milliseconds went down on the clock. I was just meters away from the goal. but in the last moment, I snapped out of it. I decided there was no time to think. I aimed best I could at the goal, and kicked.

F. Blobster111

Loathing Sports

The excitement of the Annual Undead Games had risen to an all time high, with this year including a new event. Lord Spookyraven hurled a wine-bomb into the air, signalling the beginning of the final event, Cannonball Chaos. Immediately, the athletes began firing their cannons as fast as they could at each other, pulverizing skeletons into dust and crushing the bodies of zombies. Vampires were (temporarily) exorcised with crude silver projectiles and ghosts were dissipated with showers of saltpeter. Eventually, a winner arose amongst these titans of the undead world. A little skeleton armed with a viking hat.

G. SirStabsaLot:

Evening sports fans! Councilman #3 here live from the loathing battle dome as we prepare to show off the first ever match of shadow rift showdown! The west plains Knob Goblins, versus the Southtown Warwelfs! worwolves? wolfmens? Whatever they are the furry giants are going wild (someone call security) and we're excited to see which side can fend off our horrible shadow monsters longer before running screaming like the little babies we know them to be! Honestly this should be a war crime, but most entertainment is! Today's show is sponsored by Guzzlr: Guzzle it up you shamless dog you!

H. LysVail:

Here she comes, The seducing evil in the tower aboveground.

She steps into Seas to conquer.

No one oppose her, all enchanted by beauty.

'Your form! Challenge our leader!' a monkee, said.

But. What's this?

<clues> pops into her mind. She realized she can't speak; she fumbled.

"Beat her, Dad!" the monkee said.

Looking at her reflection, she got angry.

She tried to murmur <spell> but nothing.

She Dempsey roll her way to strike dad down, barrages come yet it can't penetrate Dad.

Dad didn't even move yet like a balloon popping.

Her figure popped, transforming into phase -.

'DOWN!'

I. Kame Crush:

In the kingdom, residents hold certain events at times. One event is a golf tournament: but it's the entire kingdom. In this, they will have to evade obstacles such as the monsters encountered in it, defend themselves against alleged loitering charges (some of them might even have to finish in prison and hit the ball off the prisoners' slop! Ewwww) and try finish this death-defying, intense, and very comical course across the kingdom! Who will win? That will obviously be the council so who will lose first? You or the monsters running that course like their lives depend on it.

J. Borntoclubseals:

"You! Catch!" an imp hurled me a rock, and shouted, "Attention, the Annual Loathing Sports has commenced! Beat his crap or crap his beat, and take his badge to win 100 million meat!"

Suddenly, wave of living (and non-living) things rushed towards me. Quickly, I grabbed the imp, flipped him, and screamed, "Bash my head or tail?"

"Head!"

The imp landed on his tails, and everything stopped. "Aw man," dejected, they turn to return. "Wait!" I flung the imp into the mob. "Make the imp limp or gimp! Winning side gets 100 blimp!" I declared, skedaddling as they howled warcry.

K. Murnjendoof:

Welcome back, folks! If you're just tuning in, I'm John Sportscaster with tonight's game. We've got one heck of a game lined up for you tonight. The Knob Goblin Knob Gobblers will be facing off against The Innumerable Tentacles Of Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl. Looks like the game is starting, and-- what a development, folks! Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl has opened its horrible eye and is casting despair directly into the minds of all who look upon it! The Knob Gobblers, and the spectators' collective sanity, have been thoroughly crushed! I'm gonna go sit in a dark room and cry until I run out of tears.

L. Chadomancer:

It was a beautiful day in the Kingdom as spectators gathered along the River Styk to witness the First Annual Yak Hack: a kayak race down the river where anything goes! Camp Logging Camp was expected to have the upper hand in the Hack department, but hippies are known to be handy with an oar, so it was anyone's race. The frat boys started strong, but ended up doing more drinking than rowing, and we quickly left wallowing. In a last minute twist, the yetis came out of nowhere, threw the loggers into the hippies and took the gold! MAG-nificent!

M. Gary the Fifth:

The day of the Gnoll-Goblin Sandworm Race had arrived. Both racers stepped up to their drum machines, hooks in hand. As they turned up the bass, they heard a rush of sand in their ears, and next they knew, they were gliding over the sand. The Gnoll thumped his worm, speeding it up. This proved to be a fatal mistake. As the racers rounded the first turn, the Gnoll's worm whipped around too fast, flinging its rider into the distant dunes. That year, the Gnoll-Goblin Sandworm Race concluded with terrible tragedy for the Gnolls, and great victory for the Goblins.

N. Verdant Purple: 

"Not the bongs!"

Tensions were already high at the biennial SuperHackyPong championship. Captain Greenlocks shuffled over to the Frat sidelines, bleary eyes ascowl.

"I said be careful, maaan! That was, like, the biggest bong pyramid ever!"

A smug grin crept over Alpha Chadbro Jockman's face; of course, he'd shattered them on purpose. The Frat had been eyeing the Hippies' prized cache of moxie weed for years. Their plans to seize it were finally in motion.

Once honest competition, the sportsmanly days of good-natured games were suddenly ancient history. War was in the air. The opening salvo had just been fired.

O. Derplingtons:

We all know Moneyball... now get ready for Meatball: the fake story of a real game's fake baseball team! In Loathing, baseball is a ritual where dead baseball bats of the Bat Hole are honored by returning their bodies to flight using manual propulsion. The kingdom's undead reign supreme thanks to centuries of experience (and killing/recruiting opponents). However, the upstart elementals have one last hope: the hockey elemental. Thinking quickly, it flipped its hockey stick upright, allowing it to smash homeruns, flipping the league on its head. Will underdogs overthrow the champions, or face defeat? See Meatball in theaters this Jarlsuary!

P. Rincathor:

Picture the scene - shirts versus skins face off in an epic game of Spookyraven Manor Haunted Billiards! It's winner-takes-all in a high-stakes game of 8-ball. The catch is that some of the balls are real, and some take on a ghostly mind of their own - spinning backward, falling through the table, and making terrible wailing and moaning sounds. Opponents knocked out of the contest immediately join the throngs of ghosts trying to guard the haunted pantry. The winner is entitled to take ownership of the manor and 2 million meat, as well as a fantastic feast fit for the gods.

Q. Nannachi:

WELCOME TO SUPER KOL-BALL!!

Merkin Gladiators Vs. Merkin Scholars! Is this even a fight??

But wait: The scholars are using angles to figure out the landing of the ball???

THEY GOT IT!!!

With simple mass to force calculations, they shift a bit to the left and tackle the attacker!!!

IT'S A TOUCHDOWN!!!

Gladiators are angry... They are bringing out their Mer-kin nets!!

SCHOLARS COUNTER ATTACK WITH DARK VISION!!!!

Crowd goes wild!

Everything is black... Announcer can't see. Crowd can't see. Gladiators can't see.

Scholars touched Down. And again. And again...

THEY WIN!

Rumour has it, No One saw this coming...

R. ScotlandsFinest:

The inaugural game of the KoL Haggis Hunt took place on the 13th of Febtober. All teams were given a day to hunt, find and capture the illusive Haggii. Equipped with only their wits and rare Scottish lure known as Tennents Lager, they were unleashed upon the wilderness.

RESULTS

#1. Pirate Posse - 0

#1. Constellation Brightsparks - 0

#1. El Vibrato Machinations - 0

#1. Dreadsylvanian Drunkards - 0

#1. Hey-Deze Harlequins - 0

#1. Gnomish Thugnerdomes - 0

#1. Elvish Earlobes - 0

#1. Tentacle Terrors - 0

#1. Crimbomination Cuties - 0

#1. Mer-Kin Marauders - 0

Deemed a massive failure, The Hunt was cancelled forever more.

S. theMalcolite:

Welcome, paying audience members! Valid goals are through the red hoops only and threes are wild here at the First Annual Poker Sportsball event, hosted right here at the Seaside Town Underground Stadium. Scheduled today is the first game of the first round of the Extreme Deathmatch Elimination Bracket, where the Poop Deck Swabbers will face off against Woldo's Warriors. The pirates are known for always having an ace up their sleeve and powder in their breeches, but can they overcome the leather straps and sharp blades of the Warriors? Place your bets now, and may the best team triumph!

T. KoL Miners Daughter:

It was a beautiful day at field,

camaraderie the council tried to build.

A game between orcettes and stonettes.

Boys gathered and placed bets.

Football: a game not well known,

was the ball ran? Kicked? Thrown?

This was meant to replace war?

Is that what they thought sports are for?

A broken nail, a cry: "Slut!"

A chill harshed by kick of butt.

Soon the game was a brawl!

Every player forgot the ball.

The game stopped with the fight,

the referee ran off in fright!

From a game of teams: a battle

which took out the island, and Seattle.

U. SpiritOfTheForest:

Coming to you live from the Typical Tavern; it seems that all this basic brawling has gotten a bit dull for its patrons, and they crave something more than simple punches. They have decided to kick it up a notch, so to speak, and turn their attention to... chessboxing?! Was the Plastered Frat Orc actually pursuing a major in Mathemathics? Will the Werecougar do the Ware Opening, or maybe the Lion Defense? Will the Rat Defense be utilized at some point? How about the Zukertort Opening: Drunken Cavalry Variation, followed by a swift rear uppercut? Tune in, let's find out!

Game Review: Voleur

Poker cribbage. Not the most accurate way to describe Voleur, but you are forgiven for thinking it looks like it. It's mechanistically a last-trick-only piquet but with scoring based on poker-like hands.

Two players are dealt six cards and discards two each. Then a card is placed face-up for trump. Eldest hand leads and players must follow suit, if they can't they must trump otherwise may play any card, highest trump card or card of suit led wins the trick. Tricks aren't collected and are placed before the players. 

The winner of the last trick wins the value of his hand. You only score for one combination of cards but you can replace a card with the trump indicator to make a better combination. A basic combination scores while a special combination steals the points from your opponent (scores can't go lower than zero). First to 40 points wins. Unusually the deal continues with the remainder of the deck until it runs out, only then is the whole deck reshuffled.

Cribbage comparisons are thin, but strategy in discarding (albeit less consequential) and skillful card play remain. Should you discard for a high-scoring hand or a likely winner? After all, a high-value hand is nothing if it can't win even a trick.

Playing to win the last trick requires an approach different from simply winning a majority of them. Most last-trick games are luck-heavy and this is no different, the four tricks offset by only having two players.

A fine mix of games resulting in its own thing, though it does need to raise its stakes some more.

Game Review: Digging Graves

An interesting find in the 2024 traditional deck contest, a vying game with an unusual mechanic. In Digging Graves you bet on having the highest single card in your hand. Players ante, cards are dealt, then two betting rounds where betting consists of discarding a card first then staking. Highest card wins, ties broken by suit so the pot is never split. Whenever you discard a spade you are given another card.

How can you make a single card showdown interesting? The same way poker did: having more cards available for each player. Unlike most forms of poker in this game hand sizes can get uneven though having more cards isn't doesn't matter in the showdown. More cards does mean more bluffing power in the betting, so do the discards you make.

Discards are open information so you can do even more bluffing with what you discard, not just using it to get rid of low cards. The adding up of information for each round doesn't take a lot from betting, remember that the cards do not lie but the player can.

If you need a quick betting game for dealer's choice, this one works great for three rounds of betting.

A couple of variations are given, one is by comparing pairs and the other is where if you discard a spade you must keep discarding until your discard is no longer a spade. These give way different approaches to betting.

Review: Base of Spades

Base of Spades is Gregg Jewell's puzzler disguised with a theme for the 2024 traditional playing card contest, where you rearrange a row of cards to match them and score within a range. 

To bring down the defenses of the tyrannical Ace of Spades (whose only appearance is to take part in the pun), you must rally your nine even-numbered cards (kingdoms) by matching them with nine odd-numbered cards (champions) by suit. Every turn a commander dictates how a champion of a suit can move on the line, after a move another commander takes charge.

Once you match all cards by suit, you then make an attack based on how many matches total seven. You flip down the card that equals this total if it's still face up. Commanders can give champions optional movement range adjustments depending on how many defenses are down.

Taking down three cards of the defense is a win, a bigger win if it's one of each row of the pyramid. Once the deck of commanders is used up you shuffle it again, retiring a random card. If you use up all your turns this way without hitting three you lose.

Doing all this in 21 turns seems daunting, but matching suits is rather easy if you think of the other cards that shift to make room of your move. The extra moves you get whenever you take down a card means fewer moves thanks to additional options and thus finer moves

The goal is not to make as many sevens as possible, but you can't just match suits willy-nilly. If you have seen any skill-based arcade game that counts for example the number of spins a ball rolls around a circuit this game sort of works like that, overshoot or undershoot this six-number range and you've wasted moves.

There is a reference sheet for commander movements, the only real external piece of equipment. The gameplay is simple and works as a puzzle.

Game Review: River Rats

Poker games where you play solo are banking games where ultimately it's only you against the banker, the other people around the table are there not there to play with you and in most cases that sounds illegal. Can poker even be a cooperative game?

In River Rats you take on two of them either alone or as a team like on a casino table where the goal is to have a higher hand, but there are no bets and actual card play is involved; there are even abilities each side can use.

Each player takes an ace that gives them an ability they can activate, or if you play a card of your suit you can use that power instead, the enemy also has a king up their sleeve and rats' suits also give them an ability that affects the table.

Players draw a card from the deck or a face-up market and play cards to form a hand. Once the river is laid down, it's showdown time, and all cards are shown. Whoever wins places the other team in debt, any side that gets 5 debt is out of the game. When you beat an enemy rat you get an extra advantage.

To make gameplay more than just playing for the best possible hand, the value on a debt card signifies the hand you need to make to acquire a joker, which you can use as a true wild card.

Interestingly, solitaire play doesn't require any different preparations from the multiplayer game and yet the gameplay can differ depending on the number of players, with co-op being a coordinating of powers while solitaire play is more tactical with only one available set of abilities in play to use against another. Solo play is just drawing and playing the five best cards you can make while making best use of your abilities. In co-op no one is allowed to divulge card information and with more abilities in play the team must reach their goal together as soon as their hand is made.

The risk in acquiring jokers is akin to a platformer: is it worth risking a wrong move to get a bonus? For higher debts the difficulty of the hand is itself the risk, for lower debts it's possibly losing the round (The lowest debts require a straight, though the requirement has to match exactly).

Beating the first enemy means a boon on the second round, though the second enemy is otherwise the same save for a different ability. Would it be better if the second enemy has a stronger fight for a level 2 is not something I'm ready to answer, as it is there are enough abilities to have to check.

At least it's more than simply playing out cards to make a hand, and already things are happening on the table that aren't beyond your control, just by that alone it's way more involved than any game at the casino that isn't outright poker.

Chadomancer: Where? WHERE does it say "If I stick my head through the partition again, you'll chop it off"?

muRnjENDoof: "the kid sitting next to me on the bus when he sees me playing a game on my phone:"

Rishi Sunak: Joko had an ability to look at problems from other angles and achieved amazing results

zANThia: And suddenly the concept of pivot tables was invented.
mATHeQUALS5: "And if I press this button here, the guillotine activates"
Don_Domat: "Oooooh, look! Some selling a min-priced IotM."

antic THE FEARless: Another day at work with Mr. Fantastic
vrdt: Jannet my evil double is crawling out of the mirror... again
Gawea: Oh, you're in luck! It says here these heads are buy one get one free!

Sinnaj63: Taking instructions after a computer mouse shortage very literally, tech support is now happening exclusively through computer mouseholes
lYNNIElIlY: "Look, have to head out after this, alright?"

	2			1		2	1			1			7
2					3	1	3		1				10
			1			3							4
		1		2	1			3		3			10
	3		2				2	1	3	2			13
			3						2				5
1	1												2
		2											2
													0
					2								2
3		3		3				2					11

 

Chadomancer: I asked God to show me a sign. This is what I got. Could have been worse.
amoebalady: "Ha! Kids these days think they're so smart. Steal all my rulers, will they? They didn't call me the MacGyver of Mobile City for nothing! This lesson WILL CONTINUE!"

Waimless: For astrological mathematics, Professor Rakesh likes to pull out the BIG ruler.

s8n8ataco: "So as you can see, the slope of the line continues indefinitely in either direction."

bLOCKhEaD77: Now you see kids, contrary to what jschlatt says, road signs are, in fact, free.

Zanthia: The Ho Chi Minh sign fell again. Mr. Dong was finding this pretty hanoi-ing!

dOctOr clAW: Remember that time you asked why a "yard stick" is only three feet?
Soxfan196o: My old work went out of business and I kept the sign for this purpose.

littlebitofSonshine: Yawn hes showing of his ruler again
Rishi Sunak: Ho Chi Minh rules, OK?

Sinnaj63: Caption: The ruler has decreed that all rulers shall decree the rulers decree

sdugicus: Wanna join in a chorus of the Amerasian blues? When it's Christmas out in Ho Chi Minh City