A. lakings14 - 120 pts - 9th
Are you tired of all the kinks, bends, and leaks springing up from your hose every time you water your garden plants and trees? Not to mention lugging around that heavy rubber and recoiling it after every use? Well tire no more! Introducing the all new Cordless Hose, brought to you by your friends from Nozzel. This innovative technology does away with that bothersome cord that comes standard with traditional hoses to save you time, energy, and frustration. So order yours today and don't miss out on the future of gardening.
(Hose sold separately, some assembly required, water not included).
B. Kill3rQu33n - 152 pts - 6th
Having rich people problems? Upset about people begging you for meat all the time?
Making you profile private only makes it worse?
Worry no more!
The Poor lOOks Randomizer (POOR) is the solution for you!
No matter what your real outfits and familiars are, POOR is overlaid on top of them and makes your profile look so lame that even the biggest begz00r would feel sorry for you.
POOR overlay can be tuned for level, max meat budget, and seniority to make your profile look more reliable and tune the number of times you are called a loser per day.
C. MathEquals5 - 149 pts - 7th
Are you tired of being walked all over by your family and friends? Sounds like you need a very special product to show them what's what. Introducing, the Bouncy Boi. Simply attach the Bouncy Boi to your chest, then when unpleasant people ask you for favors that you want to say no to, but you don't know how, the Bouncy Boi will simply yeet them away. No longer shall you worry about business meetings, weird dates, or Brian. The Bouncy Boi will send them flying before you can say, "Fuck off, Brian!" Bouncy Boi! Send the bumbling bozos bouncing today!
D. Chadomancer - 235 pts -1st
Introducing the brand new funeral craze that's sweeping the nation: One Last Fling! We will take your earthly remains, condense them down into a biodegradable ball roughly the size of a cannonball, and fling them from a trebuchet towards the designated target zone! Now your loved ones can have the satisfaction of sending you off in high flying style. Choose from different options like: The Garden Starter, The Fishy Feast, The Smoke Bomb, or the Streaming Screamer! Don't let your celebration of life be boring. Make it fun for everyone! With One Last Fling! The last ride of your life!
E. Bed Tundy - 77 pts - 16th
Have you ever wanted to be good at playing Kingdom of Loathing? Have you ever wanted to consecutively win things like Gold Stars and Silver Moons for special challenge paths with ease? Have you ever wanted to have enough turns to turn the storyline into something resembling an accordion in a single day with ease?
Well you can't. But you can pay us Meat to do it for you. We accept in-game payments of ten thousand Meat and up.
Brought to you by Piece Of Shit LTD, pay now for a special referral on a Special Challenge Path Leaderboard Position.
F. avuncula - 92 pts - 14th
They said it couldn't be done. And they still do!
I've pored over a textbook I found in my neighbor's trash, and I'm convinced I can make a perpetual motion device! "So long" smoggy fossil fuels! "Bye-bye" bills! "Au revoir" accepted physical laws!
I'm only $1000 away from finishing this fabulous contraption, and that means I'm only $10 from leaving you alone. Yes, at just the $10 level, I will stop asking for money, whether you're an old high school classmate, someone I used to know's ex-girlfriend, or my own brother! Plus a water bottle with my face on it!
G. WonkerBonker - 99 pts - 12th
Scam Kickstarter Generator
Have you ever wanted to get rich quick off of poor stupid sods invent the future, but couldn't think of anything to pump and dump invent? Well, worry no more! For only an upfront payment of $3000 (And a $50,000 shipping fee), you can get your very own Kickstarter Idea Generator! Guaranteed to generate only the finest Useless Garbage inventions, you too can create wonders! But act fast, because right now, if you donate $1000 to our Kickstarter, you can obtain one of these wonderful machines at launch for merely one-third the price! Buy Now, Not Later!
H. the_eternal_paradox - 42 pts - 21st
Party too calm? Class too boring? Date too silent?
Say good-bye to drab and awkward situations with our newest invention: the Can of Laughter®, containing only the most contagious sounds of glee! Pop open the lid and snort, chuckle, and guffaw along with the endless flood of joy. Now you can tell bad jokes and always be well received, charm even your most annoying enemies, and be the star of every celebration you attend, all thanks to the Can of Laughter®!
Remember: if you Laugh, then it must be Fun®!
Caution: overuse may lead to addiction and unending, painful laughter.
I. Potatopoulet - 103 pts - 11th
Tired of getting bitten by lethally venomous snakes every time you take a nature walk?
Tired of coyotes robbing you blind at gunpoint the moment you take a step into the woods?
Introducing Decirprevo Animal Repellent!
The world's strongest military-grade chemical repellant known to man!
Just one spray of one of these cans ensures that you won't see, hear or smell any rabid animals within a three mile radius guaranteed!
It also functions very well as ipecac, butane fuel and windshield fluid!
So sell your family! Sell your house! Sell your Soul! And invest it all into Decirprevo Animal Repellent!
J. Quelzie - 16 pts - 23rd
Straight from the Tavern Cellar comes... the new BOOZETRAP!!!
From age-old forgotten bottles masterfully crafted by our dedicated mouse collaborators, the final answer to all your rodent troubles is here!
If your Rat Faucet is a-dripping, BOOZETRAP!!! goes swinging - Bart Ender, CEO
Never mind that expensive cheese, our Typical Tavern Swill secret recipe will get you and the other vermin at home in a drunken stupor FOREVAH
With BOOZETRAP!!! an (inebriated) exterminator is me, actually, cause I did come up with the stuff
(Lightspeed Voiceover): BOOZETRAP!!! was inspired by a RL clannie misadventure. His accidental invention is now my profit!
K. Mario McNoodle - 110 pts - 10th
Have you ever had a problem that you were stressed out about? Literally anything that made you upset? Worry no more with Company Co.'s newest product: Just Don't!
With this new product you can make any problem go away! Worried about an exam? Just Don't! Depressed about the general state of humanity? Just Don't! Excited about a new videogame? Actually, do that.
It even works on other people! Worried about that annoying friend who keeps asking to come over, and NO, I don't want to see your weird scabs, Jeremy! Just, uh, Don't!
Buy one now for only (var=bankAccountBalance+1) dollars!
L. efot - 41 pts - 22nd
Kingdom of Loathing residents: have you ever wanted to visit Conspiracy Island? I'm sure we all have. While the mall is selling single day passes, that's probably not good enough for a true travel connoisseur. What you need is your very own charter! Not only will it give you permanent access to the island, it lets you turn around and sell the single day passes to other su...per travelers. So contribute to this fundraiser, and the proceeds will be used to purchase a Conspiracy Island charter. How will this charter be shared among the project's many backers? That's a secret.
M. The Turtle Guy - 93 pts - 13th
If you’re finding your gait to be far, FAR too slow,
Then put on these Running Bands™ and give it a go.
One end ‘round your ankle and the other, your toe,
The bands will constrict and your speed, then, will grow.
You’ll zoom, glide, and soar, and you’ll feel so fantastic,
And marvel in wonder of this thin, weak elastic.
With our new invention, you’ll be quick, swift, and fleet,
By wrapping these two rubber bands ‘round your feet.
So, if I have convinced you then please, don’t delay,
Call us right now and get your own bands today.
N. The Original GW - 70 pts -17th
Remember how Jesus walked on water? no? take my word for it.
Now you can walk on water too!
Have you seen people walking through the snow with tennis racquets on their feet and thought ' that looks cool'?
Well, now you can be an early investor into new “Boat shoes”! (not the hipster ones)
Your feet may be wet. And cold. But don’t worry!
A mini boat on each foot will displace enough water to let you walk on the surface. Just like Jesus did one time.
Pledge more to improve your foot boats, upgrade to a foot yacht!
O. Pastamancer Wrier - 10 pts - 25th
Want more power to your adventuring career? We've got you covered.
Introducing: QuestAlert.
Our team here at SKAMtech work with adventurers Kingdom-wide to support our heroes.
The tech is simple. QuestAlert is a small device you can wear around your belt like an accessory. Just the simple press of a button sends over one of our trained professionals to take care of quests for you!* Let us take care of the heavy lifting out there.
QuestAlert -- "Adventuring at the click of a button!"
*Exceptions may apply. SKAMtech is not responsible for legal disputes between adventurers, the Council, or health concerns.
P. Arashmin - 181 pts - 3rd
"Oh no! I thought this was gazpacho soup, but it's hot!"
This ever happen to you? Sometimes you've just eaten something spicy, and crave the cold caress of tomatoes and cucumbers, but that soup in reach is deceptively warmer than the steam lines tell you.
Worry no more! Introducing: The Scoup! Dunk it right in, and wait just ten seconds. No change? It's all good to eat! But if you see metal bubbles, then it's too hot! Our friend 'mercury' has a low melting point, and will jump to task to tell you when the soup's too warm. Order today!
Q. Aeshma - 167 pts - 4th
Remember the time that...? No? Oh boy, have I got something for you!
New from Smacme, the Memo-Re-Memberer! That’s right, you can remember the memory you’ve forgotten! How does it work? We can’t tell you but we can show you! To be one of the first brains to see this, just fund the Memo-Re-Memberer today!
Your donations will help us to help others to remember all the stuff they’ve forgotten to remember! Funders get a special video from our Chief Memory Officer, access to our FAQs, also, you get a bib! That’s right - catch your drool and crumbs in style!
R. Loathbred - 60 pts - 19th
Tired of fantasizing of devouring the delectable, yet tantalizingly inedible soaps that plague fancy restaurants and Grandma's house? While many have attempted to replicate soap in an edible form, its cleansing characteristics are always forfeit in exchange for consumability. I however, know soap deserves to be savored in its God intended form, and have concocted an elixir to counteract the vomiting, diarrhea, and nausea it occasionally causes. Anyone else would never let such precious information escape even their dying breath, but I, blinded by love and generosity, am inclined to allow the unenlightened experience "The Unbarred Feast�" (kickstarter link below)
S. KoL Miners Daughter - 205 pts - 2nd
A carnival barker appears
(looking quite advanced in years)
He holds out a device
(it's shiny and nice)
with a stand and some gears
"Ladies and gents, girls and boys!
forget watches, drop those toys!
The Kickstart Kickstarter's here!
Support it now, choose a tier!
Start that kickstart with poise!"
"Just kick the kickstart
and it will do its part
setting up rewards,
connecting the cords,
and making a cart!"
"So invest now, no fears!
It'll be ready in ten short years!
(Invest a million for the prototype!
Unlike others we say no to hype!)
Start kickstarting with your peers!
T. tallinnislit - 86 pts - 15th
Don't you hate not knowing where you are and what you're doing? You need the Dipstick Triptych, a triple-sized familiar of handy facts!
Ability: Tells you roughly what level you are right now, percentage of HP and of MP you still might have. Accuracy not guaranteed.
Throne: It also gives your class.
Hatchling: Unopened triptych.
Familiar-specific equipment: Frame.
Tiered rewards as follows!
1000 meat: 3 screenshots of the unopened triptych
10,000 meat: the first reward and 3 SteamCards of the mailer's choosing
100,000 meat: the first two rewards and your name in the Dipstick Hall of Fame
Don't be late!
U. Soxfan196o - 16 pts - 24th
Welcome, boys and girls, pastamancers and turtle tamers. Do I have something for you. You have seen our informercial and our sharktank episode where we showcased the dinsey sox (as made famous by soxfan196o), but now, after hitting the big time, I introduce you to the Micky Mouse Glove. As seen on your tv by your beloved dinsey characters, this is the only glove that will fit any hand big or small. For 100 meat, I will personally come to your door and deliver the dinsey Micky Mouse glove as I show you the magic of dinsey with a slap.
V. Annoying Turtle - 64 pts - 18th
Upon a time there was a turtle who. (-deep breath-) WAS A COOL, AWESOME,DINOSAUR RIDER. So the tale begins of our brave hero up to some mischief in the great kingdom of loathing. "AHAHA" said the turtle who at birth was chosen to be named Jim.(THats Right " Turtle Jim") He had placed a bomb where the rival turtle Annoying turtle had made a burrow. THey had a deep rivalry so deep that the moment AT(Annoying turtle) Hatched, Jim had a FRICKING full on GPS on him,so when AT went to sleep
Jim assassinated him. No one noticed until...
W. Irrat - 159 pts - 5th
Reality and debts getting you down? Games becoming your escape?
Well, I have some great news for you!
My team is working on a project utilizing Argumented Reality to replace unwanted visuals, with its own system!
Money? We'll show it as our fictional game currency Shawits! We'll even link it to your bank account!
Go to work and level up! Unlock cosmetics! Replace your boss with a cartoon hissing snake!
This project lets you see the entire world as a game, and reskin everything into a gamelike atmosphere!
Coupled with our recently released skinsuit, you don't even need a partner!
X. Kopi11 - 60 pts - 19th
Sick of having to slink away, dejected and defeated after getting your teeth knocked in by a monster? Well with the all new Carcass Carry Cart©, you don't have to! Simply wheel this Cart around with you everywhere you go, and when you inevitably get your daylights knocked out, the Carcass Carry Cart© will haul you all the way back to your campsite! This item is a hit amongst the Loathing community, and seeing as it only takes 2 pulls to get this from Hagnk's, it's obvious why! Get yours today! (WARNING: Resting at the campsite costs an additional adventure).
Y. snarl - 145 pts - 8th
Kickstart me, Gamers,
Through new Kingdom of Loving:
A kind, gentle game!
Kickstart me, Patrons,
From beginning to its end,
'Tii no cashflow's left.
Play straight from the heart,
Be righteous, forthright, upright.
In new Kingdom's light.
You'll make love to beast
(Not like that you filthy perv)
spread 'joy' all around.
Join my Kickstarter:
Throw cash money right to me
and help spread the love.
Level One funders
get appreciation from
my Mom through Twitter.
Level Ten Cash Whales
Access my sister's OnlyFans
site 'Wholesome Mama'.
Kingdom of Loving
'A well-meant person is you!'
Make this dream come true.
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