A. Edgelord77 - 148 pts - 7th
As of writing, I am on day 7 of working in the Cobb Knob Treasury. You can barely call this an office. Everyday our workplace is invaded by barbarians. For some reason they go up to our co-workers and shove a photocopier up their face. Upper management says that it is nothing to worry about. This whole thing is probably the company's way of punishing any coworkers that get out of line. I think I might embezzle their meat and leave to a mysterious island before their hitmen come after me. I might be able to live at peace there.
B. Fargblabble - 107 pts - 11th
deep within the hidden jungle...
the cubicle drone sighed as he looked over the box of writhing adders, which weren't adding up remotely to the figures that Tom in Accounting had sent over on a bone abacus. It was only now, that he noticed the hush that had fallen over the entire office. Where were the janitors, usually bustling about at this time of day? Then, before he'd much time to ponder this incongruity, his gaze happened to rise, tracing an upward arc, until locking eyes with a wild and fearsome visage perched atop the cubicle divider. Suddenly, Fargblabble pounced!
C. KoL Miners Daughter - 204 pts - 2nd
Barry Tone sat at his desk in accounting, watching the intunes follow their bosses to the music board meeting. His mother, Belle, had always said he should become a Dre doctor. Sighing he opened an earmail from his department ear titled "Some Notes." He started drifting off as they began to play.
He imagined retirement; living in The Bermuda, The Bahamas, find a pretty mama. Maybe Kokomo. That's where he'd like to go.
An intune dropping an accordion file broke him from his revelry. He smiled, knowing he would retire before long.
After all, he had made some sound investments.
D. WonkerBonker - 153 pts - 6th
T'was about 12 years back,
if memories do serve.
A dreary crimbo, I should say,
an office job at worst.
Signing papers-
Stamping waivers-
Coffee for the boss.
All were truly sad to see
what Crimbo had become.
Faxing memos-
Ringing pagers-
Stealing other's lunch.
Suddenly, the elves decreed
"This is just too much."
Be he old, drunk, disheveled,
They rallied to his call.
"Uncle Crimbo's back now, baby"
"CrimbCo? Not for long."
A fort had become the executive suite,
But the workers had broken their chains.
We rushed in and stole the hat.
Crimbo was saved that day.
-WonkerBonker
E. Lucelle Ball - 87 pts - 14th
It's not as glamorous as being in charge of the contest outside of the Naughty Sorceress Tower but somebody has to do it; Keeping track of where all these mortals are going on their new life, making sure they know it's not a good idea to go on their new life with what they bought at the astral shops or to suggest they should get something there. And these new life choices leave something to be desired. Seriously, who wants to come back into a zombie apocalypse or back into high school?
At least these astral hot dogs are delicious.
F. Chica Bandida - 210 pts - 1st
"Listen here, you self-important 'adventurer,' just because the 'esteemed' Council is happy with your work doesn't mean that I am!"
...
"What? Who am I?! WHO AM I?! I'm the office clerk who has to work for those fools! Do you have ANY idea how many item descriptions they make me come up with every single day? It's not like they write themselves, you know! And YOU. YOU'RE the one who's always discovering new things for them to-"
...
"You brought ANOTHER one? You know what? I quit! How's this for an item description?"
You acquire an item: Lament of the Scribe
G. Chadomancer - 170 pts - 3rd
Crimbo was hard in the offices of Midas & Sons. What do you get employees when you can turn literally anything into gold? Just signing the paperwork could set an intern up with enough to retire. The turn over rate was ridiculous. You'd hire somebody, do your best not to shake hands, give them their welcome packet, and suddenly they were off to the Bahamas. Last year's holiday party was a disaster. One too many drinks and suddenly the office was littered with golden accounts executives. Maybe this year, it would be best to send everybody a nice fruit basket.
H. ted the red - 61 pts - 17th
Once upon a time, there was an office building, in which stood many colorless cubicles.
And in one of these cells worked a character named Marvin.
Now, it is not exactly the real world that we know, but rather the office as eternal form; within this, the platonic abyss, Marvin is a standard office person, and is concerned with such things as paperclips.
It is trivium, realized as ultimate; and yet, from this, emerged Lillian, who appeared at the cubicle one day with a charming uncommon smile, and led Marvin by the hand, through an impossible shimmering door, into springtime.
I. heddd - 82 pts - 15th
“W-Wh-What!? Who in their right mind buys ten-thousand, ten-thousand, of these - what are they even called? My half-chewed gum resold on a fishing rod? What are you gonna do with that? Feed it to your dog and give it cancer, heart-attack and lung failure?”
I sighed, oh well, at least he paid me in full meat, because contrary to popular opinion, I absolutely do not accept your child-hood superman collectibles. Wait, what’s this? Oh don’t tell me… damn it! Rotten meat! Again!
“Get back here you good-for-nothing adventurer!” I yelled to no-one in particular.
I hate this job so much.
J. tallinnislit - 116 pts - 9th
"Attacking hard or hardly attacking, am I rite?" was the text from the MBA. What a tool, the Bean Counter thought, as he put his phone back in his pocket and poured a cup of hot, rancid joe. Now he had to think of a witty response in the next few minutes. The Bean Counter caught his own reflection in the glass coffee pot and flexed his massive sternocleidomastoid muscles. Hopefully that very new girl in the harem would notice him. The girl with the seal clubber club. The girl whose reflection he thought he saw sneaking up on him.
K. JoeyX - 91 pts - 13th
Jerome showed up late for the Kobb's Knob white elephant swap. He hated these things. Over-eager co-workers, drunk middle manager suck-ups, and Jerome, who, given his druthers, would rather hide out in the handicapped stall until it was time to leave. He knew the Treasury party would be boring, in spite of being across the hall from the Harem. Honestly, the Harem creeped him out, too.
Jerome walked over to the keg and kept walking. His last act as 'part of the team' was to light a road flare and toss it onto his boss's desk. Merry Crimbo to all.
L. Soxfan196o - 111 pts - 10th
Boy, I hate Mondays. Getting out of bed was a drag. I am only awake due to the Knob Coffee I bought from the mall that has cup with my name spelt wrong. I just parked and paid fifty thousand meet just to walk across the wrong side of the tracks for what feels like eternity to work in a the thinknerd warehouse where all of my coworkers are being replaced by robots. At least I will not have to deal with office banter when they leave. Wait? Where is everyone? Darn forgot it was Boozember 7—; Feast of Boris.
M. spemtijn - 135 pts - 8th
Life was fine working the coffers, but when I saw the penguins advertising a cashier position with pay higher than any number I’d ever heard, I had to check it out.
Workplace? Not the best, swelteringly hot, but profits more than made up for it.
Every day, adventurers threw unbelievable amounts at us for whatever dusty old junk we pulled out of the stash today. Never found out where it came from, never mattered. I could’ve probably embezzled millions and it wouldn’t have made a dent!
Was infiltrating the mafia a safe idea? Probably not.
Has it paid off? Definitely.
N. snarl - 159 pts - 4th
Goblin Accountant
Bob at the Hidden Office
Building said to me:
'Let's trade your hidden
calculator for this: my
boring binder clip'
'Sure thing, Bob, why not?'
And so I did, then watched him
trade it for hot lunch.
You know how this goes,
Soon enough he'd traded up
for entire Building
He heads to top floor
Knocks on big boss office door:
'What you gonna trade?'
'Well, Bob, how 'bout my...
Secret Tropical Island?'
'Woohoo!,' Bob agreed.
'Arrivederci!
Sayonara!' he shouted
Exiting stage left.
And that's the story
Of how we got rid of Bob
who kept stealing milk.
O. The_Revolving_Fan - 158 pts - 5th
"So in essence it's quite nice. Great job security btw, wink wink"
"Did you just say wink wink. Out loud. In an Italian accent?"
"Italian?"
"Ah too early for that. Please continue"
"So the commute's a little rough.."
"It's in the middle of the desert."
"Don't worry there's a bus line"
"Bus?"
"Oops too early....About your medical benefits, lets just say you can't die even if you wanted to"
"How's boss?"
"Ed's quite nice. Be professional and you're gonna be here for a long time. wink"
A cat plays with some bandages as I sign my on-boarding agreement in blood.
P. BlitzyBoi - 51 pts - 19th
Another day, another boring waste of my life... you thought to yourself, sitting, typing, another GLORIOUS day at the worst job ever.
"Dude, did you see that copier!? it was off the charts dude!" your annoyingly ecstatic coworker shouts in your ear.
“Seriously bra! It's off the chain!” He continues shouting about random office supplies being excellent until it's time to go, you pack up your computer, your half-eaten lunch, and your oversized water bottle before blowing this popsicle stand!
You head to your home where you can finally relax and have a well-deserved beer.
Today was hard, real hard.
Q. Mistico - 99 pts - 12th
Baldzebub shook his horned head. 'Bad Moon LLC has standards. This is part of it.'
Mistico sighed in his cluttered, claw-raked cubicle. ‘I just don't understand why-'
Baldzebub coughed a little brimstone. 'Are you telling me you can’t do your job?'
'No, but-'
'Fine. Now sort and file those documents and shut up about the cat.' Baldzebub gave a pointed look, drank his cold coffee and slouched away.
Mistico scowled and then looked at the black cat, who casually strolled over to the stack of papers to be filed and then urinated on them without the least change of expression.
R. Soupert - 66 pts -16th
INTERN
Do I think Soupert is qualified to run this office?
(INTERN looks away awkwardly and fiddles with shirt)
-Scene Cuts to SOUPERT in a large meeting room, watched by their subordinates-
SOUPERT
I don't know how to tell all of you this... I spent the allotted raise amount from corporate on novelty soup items to decorate your cubicles
(EMPLOYEES start clamoring loudly while SOUPERT cringes)
SOUPERT
I could've spent that money on strippers you know! You all should be grateful!
EMPLOYEE 1
That raise was supposed to pay my wife's hospital bills!
-cuts back to INTERN-
INTERN
Um... No.
S. THrip - 54 pts - 18th
I sat at the desk, staring at the pile of papers that had just been dumped on the desk. I slipped the top paper off and looked at it, hoping it was something interesting-
It was blank with a crude crayon drawing of a washing machine on it. Another client wanted their meat laundered. I sighed and leaned back. Was this why I came to the Kingdom? To launder meat? No! I came to fight evil!
“... Screw this noise! I quit! Peace!” I yelled, storming out and flipping the bird to my coworkers, grabbing a saucepan on my way out.
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