Crimbopalooza 2025 Results

 

Crimbopalooza 2025 Final

A. Anaeri

They told us to stop the sun. Easy; just reason with a god mid-death. Our ship trembles as dawn cracks, yolk-bright and boiling. Someone prays; another laughs. The captain lights a Crimbo candle, as if wax could outshine a star. We move closer, our hull peeling like burnt paper. I see wings in the light; angels or ash, I can't tell. We launch the net. For a moment, the world holds its breath, listening. Then the sky screams, and all the light turns inside out. I think we were never meant to win. Maybe we were just meant to witness.

B. Foul Demon

"Yikes! The Sun over the Kingdom is about to turn into a supernova! We need to neutralize the danger!

Let's see, what do we need:

- Asbestos spaceship: check.

- At least Very Extremely Unthinkable High hot resistance: check.

- Space Helmet: check.

- Adventurers, who are actually stupid enough to risk their lives: of course check.

The heroic and charismatic leader of the group, Foul Demon, had a brilliant idea:

- Let's change the polarity of the neutron flow!

And so they did. And the mood of the supernova went from super to neutral, and it didn't go boom. And there was much rejoicing."

C. Chadomancer

It grew a little hotter every day. The daylight was growing... strange. Scientists said it was a matter of time before our sun went nova, but maybe we could do something. They formed a team. Because of my experience with volatile incidents, I was on it. They built many ships before they figured out how to keep one from melting before it got close enough to complete the mission: Teflon Ore. Up we went. Words cannot describe the heat. Finally, we passed the event horizon. There's the problem. We turned it of, then turned it on again. Click. Kingdom: Saved.

D. Funrmunt

The Sun was too hot. It was an issue that puzzled scientists for years, until one genius suggested that, like people, the Sun might cool down with am ice cream.

So there we were, seven people on a voyage to the sun with the most important cargo ever, a tub of ice cram and a waffle cone.

Being so close to the sun, the heat was penetrating the insulation. I started wondering whether the ice cram would even reach the surface, but we sent it nonetheless, and humanity's last hope for survival was on its way to save us all.

E .TrueTurtle

There has been strange signs from the Star. We thought it was just an unprecedented mass solar flare. So we sent a voyage to the Sun.

Hours later, Captain Susan of the spaceship "Darkest Day"; as new alarms blared and her people screamed in terror, could only think of bees.

Worker Bees, when preparing for their young to hatch, would gather food and make sure sustenance was around them as they hatched.

How else could what she was seeing be explained, as the beast that crawled out of the now empty Star has just feasted on it's first morsal, Mercury?

F. Poopyfartbutt

Captain Moron called the Sun "just a big campfire." His crew, equipped with marshmallows and swagger, launched their ship, and soon the Sun filled their view. "Prepare for roasting!" Moron bellowed, waving a skewer. In a flash, the marshmallows vaporized, then so did the paint of the ship, and with that, the crew's optimism. As the ship became a glowing streak, Moron laughed: "At least we'll be the brightest shooting star anyone's ever seen!" People later marveled at the bright streak across the sky, never knowing it was a doomed expedition, proof that ignorance can burn you alive. The end.

G. powerturtle

Entry #13 Log

"They said once the end would encroach upon this world it would be like a cold embrace. Never could they have expected such a thing to happen to our star. Our mission is the first and last of its kind. We make this journey not for ourselves, but for those we desire to see another day. If we succeed we don't expect to make it back. To stop the birth of that creature nested within the Sun, we now approach its event horizon, it's numbing knowing this is all about to end. Goodbye."

Captain Peter Final Entry

H. CheeseyPickle

The Sun is about 150 million kilometers from Earth.

On average, a person burns 60 kilocalories walking a kilometer.

Therefore, to walk to the Sun, you'd need to consume 9 teracalories.

A McDonald's cheeseburger contains 313 kilocalories.

Thus, you'd need around 29 million cheeseburgers to walk to the Sun.

Every year, McDonald's sells 2.4 billion burgers.

A single slice of cheese takes a half cup of milk to make.

You'd need 150 million gallons of milk to make 2.4 billion cheeseburgers.

Compared to jet fuel, which planes burn at 3 gallons per kilometer, milk is 3 times more efficient.

QED

I. Ryu Gin Verboten Revanant

Testing one...two...

This is Ryu Gin, Sealclubber on all frequencies. My co-pilot Phillip, an alcoholic Disco Bandit who's been drowning himself in vodka since take-off, has proven useless. It's up to me to save the Kingdom once again. Just another Northlander with no fear of death. The Council seemed really happy to hear that last part, actually. Actually it's pretty messed up now that I've read the fine print. I am currently at vector zero mark fifteen...a collision course. If anyone is receiving, have them send my reward to Hangk. I'm about to earn every meat stack.

Over and out.

J. Trick Deck

Sunamageddon hit the Kingdom when the sun announced it was "about to go kablooey" in a voice that sounded like a tipsy opera singer. Naturally, the King drafted me and three other adventurers who failed their Saving Throw vs. Responsibility.

We boarded Royal Sun-Stopper, a flying stepladder held aloft by duct tape and hope, and climbed into the sky.

The sun wasn't exploding, it just had "severe burnout".

So we offered it the traditional remedy: a motivational poster and a lukewarm energy drink.

The sun sighed, dimmed, and agreed not to explode today.

We earned 3 XP & mild sunburns.

K. Zabula

Nobody thought anything of it when the first lions started to climb atop each other, as they roared and snarled and climbed higher and higher.

Further and further did the tower get along, the base of the lions was smashed into the ground, yet the lions did not fall, their tower swayed this and that way, but it was impossible to topple.

The first Lion to reach space roared triumpantly, knowing it was still a long way, he couldnt move anymore. After that more lions conquered what few humans could, until finally their eternally enemy lay before them, the sun.

L. Nannachi

I always buy raffle tickets. And finally, I won: a one-way mission to save the kingdom. So, there I was, plastered with sunblock and armed with ALL the buckets of water... I fly there; it's hot. The water from the buckets evaporates. Hell, everything does. The heat is unbearable. What was I thinking?? Buckets? Really? As I get more delirious, I decide to park the rocket under a sign saying "SWITCH OFF HERE"... Am I dreaming?? I turn the switch off. BOOM. Sun is back to normal. Day is saved. But me?? I'm stuck there. No fuel to go back...

M. Psyko

'System Alert. External temperature at critical limits.'

The warning blares over the security system of Voyager Class Eden. It has been 2 years since the best of the Kingdom had begun their mission to prevent the sun going Supernova.

The warning repeats.

No one responds. There is no rush of activity. The oxygen system failure months before already extinguished all hope of a reprieve for the planet below.

A silence falls over the bridge as the warning system circuits fry. The ship drifts, carrying humanity's last hope towards its final resting place which gave our Kingdom life for so long.

N. Kol Miners Daughter

The sun's burning too hot

doomsday certainly near!

The council knew not a lot,

yet could feel the sear!

A plan hatched

an idea made

adventurers batched

schemes laid!

"Adventures come and

save the Kingdom whole!

Or all will be sand!

A terrible toll!"

Ready for fame

and the items drop

many came

a fresh crop!

"In a rocket, we'll

place you brave heroes

won't be long 'til

you're no longer zeroes!"

Shot to the sun

they're rocketed!

Homes, and treasure,

left was pocketed.

"Now we've gotten rid

of problem number one:

What do we do

about that blasted sun?"

O. Shellshocker Shen

Once upon a midday summer,

the heat frustrated Trevor;

He's had enough of this bummer,

and decided to end it forever.

He bolted onto his boat some boosters,

in his mission to end this weather;

people think he's off his rocker,

but Trevor thinks he knows better.

He built a ramp with metal and timber,

and wheels, to store after;

He wore his suit of leather,

to withstand the atmospheric pressure.

He pulled the lever, and with a jitter,

off he flew! Higher, higher!;

straight into the giant orb of fire,

and that was the end of Sun-Mad Trevor.

P. Who_Are0You

"Arrr, the sun be angry!" Our pirate ship, the SS Yolo, flew straight for it. "Man the cannon's!" the Cap'n yelled.

We loaded our many cannons with tiny bottles of Thrive Sunscreen. The first mate scratched his head. "Cap'n, this ain't nearly enough?"

"It's all they had on sale, anyway. FIRE!" the captain yelled.

We fired. Pathetically wasted into the emptiness void.

Before we could complain, Gary snatched a bottle. "Well, 'tis be a waste," he declared, slathering it on his arms. "I'll not get a burn, at least!"

The world below? Charcoal. But Gary's skin? Perfect like Pirates Treasure.

Q. SirStabsalot

The perfect crew had been assembled, ready to defend the earth from its oldest mortal enemy: the sun, which had inexplicably decided to kill the whole solar system in a fit of blind rage, and they would do so by crashing into it with the best technology available.

"All right men, women, chickens and Jerry (hi jerry (Hi!)) we've been training for months. we've only got 117 years before the world is engulfed in solar hellfire and we can't trust the next generation to remember to do this before its too late. Everyone got their popcorn and industrial grade freezers?"

R. Derplingtons

You grimace under your volcano mining suit inside the steam-powered rocket. Well, 500k is 500k. Wait, that's not that mu-

Takeoff!

Last night's emergency margarita sloshes around as you ascend beyond the astral plane.

You open the hatch, taking heavy breaths from your elf-guard scuba tank. Even here, the exploding sun's heat was unbearable.

You retrieve hundreds of limes and coconuts from your backpack, then push them together and away. A flash of darkness and light blinds you as a swarm of tiny black holes floats away.

...how will you stop the black holes? Eh, they'll pay you again.

S. potatolimerance

"Okay, pep talk. This is going to work, I promise. You've got Goggles of Loathing and Lava-Proof Pants on, you used SPF 451 lip balm, Mom gave you Hot Sweat, you synthesized Yummy Tummy beans for sublime hot resistance, and we even found someone to sell you an Industrial Fire Extinguisher to foam yourself. You good?"

"I'm ready."

"LAUNCH!"

The crowd cheers, PotatoLimerance is officially on the surface of the sun cooking up a final Crimbo side dish, a huge twice baked potato...until

"Um, guys, how are we going to get them back from the sun?"

womp, womp.

T. amoebalady

You're late--had to wait for your pilot to finish their standard run. "Be faster, Jenkens!" you think loudly. Couldn't be helped, and at least your steam-powered model rocketship's on its way now. You worry about its hot resistance as sweat drips off your brow. Is it enough? Only one chance. Light blazes through the cabin as you reach your mark and training takes over.

"Engage towel turbans!" you shout. "Release bridge!" (grateful for that non-ascender). "Deploy ice house!"

The sun enters the house. It freezes moments before exploding. Success!

And this newest Museum display warms the land.

U. Zanthia

The crew of the Flying Caipiranha were almost at the nova sun.

It was a race between them and the crew of Rocket Skirt wearing elves organised by Tammy to get there and extinguish it before it melted all the candy in the Kingdom

Captain Marvin Sunny performed a final check on the FLUDA.

As the proximity alarm klaxon filled the airlock, the crew opened the door, shook hands one final time. And stepped out.

Marvin looked straight ahead.

Into the grinning faces of the elven horde.

And spat out the immortal words:

Elven. That's ridiculous. It's not even sunny.

V. Soxfan196o

The sky was a molten furnace screaming as if a giant swallowed a lite bright and belched out a rainbow from the castle in the sky. The air was screamed a like an inferno across the heavens. The Seaside Town was ablaze and "The Council of Loathing" summoned me, soxfan196o a level 255 Pastamancer, to join an elite squad of adventurers including a Sauceror, Disco Bandit, Accordion Thief, and Seal Clubber. We flew by the sun to stop it from exploding on our meat-powered Bricko Airship. At the blazing core, I played my spaghetti-box banjo and the sun chilled out.

W. efot

"Mission status check. Hermit?"

"Propulsion system of banjo strings fueled by catsup is a go."

"Uncle P?"

"Our fancy tuxedo spacesuits are on point."

"Swagger Jack?"

"Huggler radio communication system tested and retested."

"Taco Dan?"

"I don't know why you want them eating my food in a small enclosed space but it's packed and ready."

"Armory and Leggory guy?"

"Weapons locked and loaded. That sun won't know what hit it."

"Meatsmith?"

"Sir, we've tried everything (well, meat anyway) and no shielding material in the Kingdom can withstand the sun's heat. Recommend aborting the mission."

"Screw it, we'll go at night."

X. Painterguy

We are going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship.

Saucegeysering through the Hole in the Sky!

The sun's about to explode!

Adventurers come on board, get ready to fight the sun!

Burnt meat you may find. The sun's ready to explode!

All moxious, magical, and beefy guys are ready to fight the sun!

We are riding a vessel made from junk, more junk, and pasta.

Let's hope we don't turn into linguini!

Build up your hot resistance, we are closing the distance.

Being barbecued. No thank you!

With the sweat of our brow the day will be ours.

Y. ScotlandsFinest

When it was discovered that the Naughty Sorceress had diminished the sun. A plan was made. Gather the greatest of the classes and send them forth.

The crowds gathered to watch as the Council gave the adventurers the go-ahead.

The Turtle Tamer blessed the Sauceror, the Pastamancer cast a healing cocoon.

The Accordion Thief played and the Disco Bandit danced.

The Seal Clubber bellowed "Batter Up!" and hit the Sauceror so hard, he flew into orbit and towards the sun.

He eventually reached his target.

The Sauceror pulled his wand and smiled.

*POP*

And the Sun turned into a sausage.

Game Review: Against the Clock

Against the Clock is a solitaire race where you race against yourself in a rally course complete with time bonuses and penalties, it takes as much skill and favorable circumstances as an actual drive.

The track is split into three parts, and the path is a line of cards. Along the track you try to go as close as possible to the value of each card on the way with the cards in your arsenal, representing your controls. Three piles for three gears with separate boosts and brakes comprise your car's gearbox that you play on the track, boosts and brakes letting you add or subtract your running total by one. You can opt to move to the next card even if you're short of matching the number, though this does incur some penalties.

Matching the current card's value lets you go to the next one unscathed; matching it with one card earns a time bonus. If you have less than the current card and decide to move on, the difference becomes a time penalty, using more than three cards gives you an extra penalty, 16 penalties lead to a DSQ. If you ever bust you get damaged and also incur a penalty, three damages and it's a DNF. 

If you complete the first part of the track, the other two parts have shorter tracks but you have fewer brakes and boosts available for you. If you manage to complete the track your score is your time bonuses minus your penalties.

Like most push your luck games this is best played at a fast pace but with the amount of strategy involved you can't go too fast, rather fitting for a rally. Your cards are limited but so is any room for error, the main tradeoff being between pushing your luck or cutting your losses cause in a way it's better to take penalties than get into another wreck.

Note the types of cards that make up the track as in later parts you'll have more high cards on hand than what the track has while generally the other two piles have about the same number of cards on them. Some card counting is useful but it's mostly a matter of not ending up in a situation where you have no choice but to bust.

A fast-paced and thrilling solitaire for those who like to risk it on every turn.

Game Review: Candles & Cannons

Candles & Cannons is almost single-player Battleship: the theme is about firing cannons into the ocean and you would want to sink adversaries and mark your treasure. The difference comes in the card values determining whether your score will sink or swim.

The tableau is two fields for the shore and the ocean. You control the shore cards with its titular candles and cannons. Starting with one lit candle you swap cards up to three times before cannons fire. To light a candle you swap it with a lit one and each lit candle lights up the same square on the ocean grid. You can also the other cards with each other, wherever a lit candle goes the relevant square lights up and stays lit.

After three swaps cannons next to lit candles fire, landing on the same spots on the ocean grid, revealing any hitherto face-down cards. If it hits a pirate the cannon cards on it must be equal or greater to score, if it hits a piece of treasure it must be lower than the treasure or both sink to the discard pile.

After firing cannons a candle is relit then the other lit candles burn out. Grids are refilled when possible but the game only ends if it's impossible to relight a candle. Points are given for shot pirated and salvaged treasure and points are deducted for any sunken(discarded) treasure and any cards left on the ocean grid.

Make the most of the information available as you will have to take risks with what your cannons shoot. The game penalizes for missed cards as much as wrong hits so just having something to hit is better than leaving too many ocean cards at the end of the game. 

The two types of targets still play differently enough even if in any case hitting a card in one shot is better. You will have to fire at unknown cards so it's worth making the most of what you do know, candles can only show so much.

Ending the game is rather arbitrary and the late game doesn't have a sense of cleaning up as one might expect.

Summerpalooza 2025 Results

Chadsworthy: "When you've mastered the art of flatulentce, you can use it for propulsion." - 2 pts, 2 vts

Poopyfartbutt:

Me after 6 shots: gravity can't tell me what to do.

Him: what the hell kind of science experiment is this?

- 3 pts

CheeseyPickle: Behold! Pants on wheels! - 7 pts

Pope Puree: "Damn, white privilege is crazy" - 17 pts

dietotenh: "...When you divide by 0." - 2 pts, 1 vt
Ipskulin: "When the swamp ass has reached its limit" - 0 pts

Shakara: [slide whistle] - 19 pts
verDAnt puRplE: Gravity? Where we're going we don't need gravity. - 5 pts

Lyssa OwO: oklahoma - 3 pts

PAINterguy: When you hit the "hee hee" just right - 2 pts, 2 vts

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Zanthia: When Chef Marco realised what they meant by "Can you do the beets for the staff party".

SirStabsaLot: order up: one pan seared bass dropped in fresh beats!

Soxfan196o: when they tell the chef he needs to be the elvis impersonator and the dj
Avandor: DJ Remy moved on from cooking food to beats
Voryn: "When your hair is brighter than your future"

OctogenariCherub: "Though his coworkers shunned his act, Swedish Chef Mafia was the most successful Muppet endeavor of the 2009-2013 period."

Chadsworthy: Dr. Clayton Forrester before he turned to a life of torturing employees with crappy movies

LordVenom: let this man cook

Skent: 3d food printing at it's best

Painterguy: Hades if he part-timed as a DJ

Game review: Swamp

Swamp is a quick puzzle game for the 2025 traditional deck contest that is akin to peg solitaire with cards. The grid of cards in play represents a swamp of animals that feed on each other, and as one animal gets eaten in this ecosystem another appears (you draw a card onto the layout), with the goal of finishing off the deck without causing ecological failure.

Clubs represent bears, Spades represent hippos and Hearts represent hogs, the three predators that eat not only each other but also the prey: ducks in the form of face-down cards (diamonds when drawn are placed face down.) On each turn you move a card one space to eat it, then place a new card on the space. Clubs only move vertically and eat spades, spades only move horizontally and eat hearts, hearts move in any direction and eat clubs but only if next to another heart before moving. All three animals mentioned eat ducks. If three clubs appear in a row horizontally, three spades vertically you lose, you also lose if you run out of legal moves.

Mobility is key; cards aren't as mobile as you think and it's easy to become restricted as the small field combined with movement restrictions can cause gridlock where you least expect it. Managing the number of animals in play matters when an imbalance either means not enough cards of a type to eat (and move cards to) or a bigger risk of losing through a three-in-a-row.

Mildly puzzling yet surprisingly chaotic, it's a real jungle out there.

Zanthia: Lettuce pray....
Chadomancer: Your camouflage is off to a nice start, Wayne, but remember to match your WHOLE wardrobe to your surroundings.
LordVenom: the start of the trees taking over all hail the OverGod Maple
Big dAdDy grImm: you can always tell which kids didnt read the presentation for the group project

TurtlesPhi: Yes, We are very normal totally human beings. We are definitely not here to take over earth.
Kalebb: "At the galactic Aroboratory, Jackie Chan realizes that the Lorax was trying to protect us from the trees"

littleBitOfSonshine: Not cute,and we can still see you. Said in a droll voice.

Khlaharah: Just leaving around
Avandor: And with your negative modifiers to your stealth roll... yeah, they see you.
Anaeri: Local courtroom drama heats up as Tree #2 takes the stand

Chadomancer:  Dude flexed so hard, his abs popped right off. - 7 pts

Vhar07:  POV, You realize that your a character in a soon to be amazing book(Hope the book goes well:) - 3 pts

Funrmunt: "God help me if I hear another gutless or spineless joke" - 8 pts

Unconventionable:  "I'm nothing without my clothes" - 8 pts

Kalebb: 0% bodyfat? That's cute. Try 0% body, noob. - 14 pts

Voryn: "even after doing one push-up and pretending it was a full workout." - 2 pts

nisemono: "I'm too sexy for my car" - 0 pts

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(drawn by Shuratoshi)

 

Tyberos: If none of us move, none of us can be the father! - 3 pts, 2 vts

MathEquals5: Who is able to solve #7? - 12 pts

Unconventionable: I don't think the witness protection plan is going to work out so well - 10 pts

sYdney rebik: achoo - 3 pts, 3 vts
Soxfan196o: Don't look it's Medusa in disguise. - 3 pts, 3 vts
JaMa: 

Looking Left

Cause She Aint Right

Looking Right

Cause She Left

- 2 pts

NotSoFastKiddo: album cover photoshoot to the new boy band "Backstreet off-direction" - 10 pts

Chadsworthy: Photoshoot for the upcoming cover for the latest album from the new boy band "Not In The Face" - 8 pts
As_the_palace_burns: "And we're gonna hold this stretch for 30 seconds..." - 3 pts, 2 vts

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Voryn: Meow-nd over matter - 7 pts, 4 vts

Soxfan196o: Are you done taking pictures for instagram. I am tired holding up the greens screen while wearing this green body suit - 0 pts

Vhar07: The UFO's that the goverment is trying to hide be like - 8 pts

Skent: together we will take over the world - 9 pts
Avandor: Before you can eat the bird, you must become the bird. - 7 pts, 3 vts

TurtlesPhi: I thought he'd find the crows nest earlier... - 0 pts
Chadsworthy: Just take the shot, Todd! I can't hold this pose forever! - 10 pts

Jack In The Box: check in out, this cat is in a basket - 5 pts, 1 3

Big dAdDy grImm: THIS is why teenage boys think that girlfriends are MAGICAL - 0 pts

Zanthia: Boring. Seen one levitating cat, you've seen them all. Photograph something else! - 5 pts, 0 3's
Unconventionable: "Every time they get the camera out, the cat just has to be the center of attention" - 15 pts

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Minkseru: thats the last time I order a comb online - 0 pts
Chadsworthy:  There's your problem right there. Your power supply isn't connected. - 12 pts
Zanthia: Early model of the KFConsole being tested. - 1 pt
potatolimerance: YOU WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD A CHICKEN - 14 pts, 6 vts
Graelk: when you overcock your pc - 5 pts

liTTlebITofSonshine: Check out my new computer guard, he's also a alarm clock.! - 2 pts
Soxfan196o: I think my computer has been running a fowl - 9 pts
Avandor: Your WHAT is stuck in your computer? - 14 pts, 7 vts
MathEquals5: Is the cock looking for a hard drive? - 3 pts
TurtlesPhi: why does my PC make so many weird noises? - 2 pts
Voryn: When your PC has real processing power... but keeps overheating at sunrise. - 4 pts

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